From a Pebble to a Stone

My love.

2012-01-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

We're teaching him how to love, and he's teaching us, too.
It's quite amazing, actually.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-04T11:25:00.001-07:00

Samuel has been home for nearly 6 weeks. Hard to believe. It seems like he's been with us for much longer - almost like he's always been with us, but it also seems like he just arrived yesterday.

He's amazing. He gets happier every day. He's curious, funny, very "chirpy", very active and definitely an extrovert. He loves to close doors, wave, mimic sounds we make (currently working on "yee-haw!") and pull up on everything in sight - the dangerous stuff is of course the most fun. He's a great eater and a pretty good sleeper - we think - we don't have anything to compare it to.

We're doing well. Adjusting to all this "new", and of course wondering in many cases if we're doing the "right" things: Should he go to sleep in our arms while we're rocking him, or can he go to sleep in his crib? He used to fall asleep right away while being rocked - now, he just wants to play. Should we put him down with a bottle? Everyone says no - but it's the only way he'll sleep. How can we soothe him besides a bottle? Many, many sleep questions! Why does he wake some nights and not others? Are we feeding him the right amount? Is he bonding? Are we all bonding? Is the dog OK? How will things change when I go back to work? Can we please go to Costa Rica? I could go on here for hours, but will spare you! I remind myself, after all, it has only been 6 weeks! We're doing great.

Happy New Year!

Pics from week #2!

2011-12-10T19:19:00.001-07:00

A few pics from our first 5 days!

2011-11-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

We're all doing well. The boys are both trying to adjust to new timezone, Samuel is trying to adjust to everything, Jackson is trying to adjust to life with Samuel and I am trying to adjust to all of this adjustment! And, of course, to take care of my 3 boys.

The highlights have been seeing my husband become a daddy, seeing Samuel's laughter and joy, bath time and naked-boy time right before bath time, all of Samuel's hysterical sounds - he's very very chirpy and makes the funniest noises, and Samuel sleeping in my arms. Of course challenges, too, but we're - as I said - adjusting!

One More American!

2011-11-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

Details and more photos to follow...busy loving on my son and husband. Suffice to say all is well in the Stone household!

How am I supposed to sleep???

2011-11-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

Just talked to Terry in Frankfurt for about 3 minutes. Samuel was gibbering and cooing in the background the entire time. That's the first time I've heard my son gibber or coo! OMG. It's starting to feel real! SO EXCITED. So glad my mom's here.

Landing in Frankfurt in 32 minutes!

2011-11-23T20:22:00.001-07:00

The trip is about 1/3 of the way over, the boys land in Frankfurt in just over :30 minutes, then have a (ugh) 8-hour layover, before the final and direct flight to Denver!

AHHHHHH!

Now it's just a (long) plane trip!

2011-11-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

The embassy appointment went well! Now it's a matter of picking up the Visa, a few 10-hour flights with an 8-hour layover in Frankfurt, and my baby and my baby will be home!

No new pics. Daddy has been a *little* busy, so nothing new sent since they picked him up on Saturday. But all sounds like it's going well! Samuel is eating well (can't get enough, poor little wee thing), sleeping well, playing well and apparently pooping a lot! I can't wait to have them BOTH in my arms.

1057 days. That's a long pregnancy.

Honesty

2011-11-21T17:11:00.003-07:00

Yes, I'm excited.
Yes, I'm scared to death.
Yes, I feel more grateful for my husband, mom and dad than ever. And Jackson, too.

Tomorrow is Embassy Day!

2011-11-20T20:53:00.001-07:00

Actually, Terry & Samuel's appointment is in just over a couple of hours, because they're already in tomorrow.

I have been instructed that it's critical that I post at least daily, so I will be better this week! Here's the news from today.

The first day away from the orphanage went great! Samuel is apparently quite a clown, and gets his second wind after dinner. Terry isn't happy with the poopy diaper situation. Samuel slept well for close to 9 hours, Papa and Daddy didn't sleep much at all.

The escape:

First meal:

Papa & Samuel:

My handsome boys:

Three generations:

Update!

2011-11-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

A quick update. My dad arrived in Ethiopia today to help Terry bring Samuel home. (Although it was a tough choice, we had to decide to send my dad instead of me for some personal reasons.)

Tomorrow, they'll pick up Samuel from the orphanage and hand over a 45-pound duffel bag of shoes as a donation for the orphanage.

On Monday, Terry has his appointment with Samuel at the US Embassy.

On Wednesday, Terry will pick up Samuel's visa, then the 3 guys fly out late that night.

On Thursday, November 24 (Thanksgiving day!) at 2:10pm, they land in Denver! And this PEBBLE will have become a STONE!

Here are a few more pics.

Introducing Samuel August Stone!!

2011-11-17T04:39:00.002-07:00

Our I-600 decision came in at 4:06am! We are thrilled to introduce our son.

Samuel should be arriving on Colorado ground with his daddy and poppa around 2pm on Thanksgiving day. Quick email sent to families, and blog updated, so you are among the first to hear! Will call people and send more updates in the am, but I just had to let someone know!!

Now - it's 4:23am so back to bed. (Yeah, right!)

WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We love you Samuel! You'll be with Mommy and big brother Jackson soon!!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Big Week (Hopefully!) For The Stone Family

2011-11-14T19:14:00.003-07:00

It's hard to even begin to think about how to communicate everything that has happened since Terry went to Ethiopia more than 2 weeks ago. To say it has been a roller-coaster ride would be a total understatement. He's still there. We have extended his trip twice.

We now have an amazing adoption/immigration attorney involved, a US Senator (Senator Landrieu) personally involved, and have basically taught the people at our orphanage, our agency, and our agency's in-country attorney how to do an investigation on a child and navigate the US Embassy and USCIS. We have done all of the work on our son's case on our own - not including, of course, your prayers, thoughts and support, which is literally what has kept us going.

So, if all goes well, we should/could/hope to hear something pretty substantial this week.

Thanks again. I *hope* the next time I post, I'm sharing some really, really good news. And pictures.

We're officially asking for help.

2011-11-10T18:36:00.002-07:00

We're not proud to ask, but so many of you have offered to help us, and the progression of our adoption in the last month has led us to the place that we're asking for contributions to go towards our mounting legal fees.

If this is offensive, we apologize. Please delete. If you're able to contribute, we are grateful for anything. Prayers and thoughts are appreciated, too.

How it is.

2011-11-07T19:00:00.001-07:00

8-11am: various text/phone calls/emails back and forth with Terry regarding: Samuel, witnesses, affidavits, agency, orphanage, guest house, money transfers, changing flights, Ethiopia attorneys, US attorneys, US Embassy, USCIS or any other number of details
Most of day: try to focus on work and enormous product launch coming up, filling open position and reworking entire marketing strategy with reduced staff and budget

A the same time, work on any required adoption details (see #1) including conference calls with US attorney, useless agency and other adoptive families + try to keep family + friends up to date

Evening: feed/walk BFF Jackson, sit on conference calls with Japan (see #2) or adoptive families, catch up on work missed due to conference calls on adoption during day
10-12pm: more communications with Terry regarding adoption details (see #1)
All night: when I wake: check iphone and email for any updates from Terry, and since I'm up anyway - whip off email responses to Japan
24 hours a day: swing up and down between worry, hope, despair, excitement, fear. Obsessive cleaning of baseboards.
Repeat

Yup. That's how it is around here. Kyn/Lynn - I know you've danced this dance.

S.P.I.T. !!!

2011-11-06T18:49:00.003-07:00

My husband has traveled to the town in Northern Ethiopia where Samuel is from, and he's doing the investigations in conjunction with the orphanage. He is Secret Private Investigator Terry. I'm so proud of him for what he's doing to fight to bring our son home. We hope to know much more next week...

I continue to work things on the home front. This is definitely all-consuming! Meanwhile I have the cutest freaking pictures of Samuel from this week, I can hardly stand it. I wish I could post them - but we agreed with the agency in our contracts that we wouldn't publish identifying information until we pass embassy. But then again, it's not like they're holding up their side of the contract.

Per my last post, we're much more on hope than despair this week!

Oh - and per my post below that, the bear (the $50 customer bear with recordings from mommy and daddy) made him cry!! Poor baby. I guess that would be pretty scary.

Despair. Hope. Despair. Hope. Despair. Hope...

2011-11-02T14:11:00.004-06:00

Terry is in Ethiopia for 2 weeks trying to work out this whole nightmare. Things have spiraled downhill with regards to ours and many Ethiopian adoptions in the last 2 months. But stay tuned - there is now hope where there wasn't yesterday.

After hearing very disturbing news about our particular case on Friday, we got Terry there as quickly as possible to see what, exactly, is going on. He got in country on Monday night. He met with our agency's attorney first thing on Tuesday, and found out NOTHING has been done on our case in the 8 weeks since the embassy sent our case back for more information. Can you imagine how bat-shit crazy this makes me?!

The good news is that now we are working with an attorney in the US with whom I am thrilled - and we actually have hope after going through a weekend thinking we had lost our son. She personally has an adopted child from Vietnam and got stuck in the process with the US Government there – so this is her life’s work. She has gotten many, many families home from Nepal, Vietnam and now is starting with Ethiopia. She assures us she can help us – the only caveat being that Terry may have to spend some extra time in Ethiopia being a “private investigator” to fight this fight. It depends on if he can light any fires at all under our agency's butts, which I have absolutely no faith in, whatsoever. So, now Terry and I are officially Private Investigators, Attorneys and Adoption Agency workers - you name it, it's all on us.

I am dying to get over there and hold my baby, but someone has to be on this end to work things, too. And oh, there's that little problem of one failed adoption and now this - which leaves us just a TEENY bit, um, stretched. So my trip is on hold.

Terry has seen Samuel twice in the two days he has been there. Yes, he’s bald!! (Samuel, not Terry.) I miss his little Fro-hawk! (Samuel, not Terry.) They had to shave his head for a hospital visit (Samuel, not Terry.) I guess in Ethiopia they put IV’s in babies’ heads when they’re dehydrated. Poor baby – he had "violent vomiting and dehydration". We’re still not sure what exactly is going on with that, and of course that make me a bit nuts. But Terry said he seems OK. I, however, am NOT OK WITH THIS AT ALL!! Nor the fact no one let us know he was sick. I need him home where I can take care of him. (Samuel and Terry.)

Thanks for everyone’s support, it is much appreciated.

Sam's Bear is on his way to Ethiopia

2011-10-30T19:11:00.000-06:00

We went to Build-A-Bear this weekend and made a bear that has recorded messages from mommy when you squeeze his hands, and from daddy when you squeeze his feet. My mom had made this t-shirt for a previous bear, but it fit this new bear perfectly, so he's well-dressed and headed to Africa.

I can't begin to tell you how nightmarish our last week has been, so I won't. Suffice to say things have gone from bad to worse. I could seriously strangle every single !#!&@(^% person at our agency right now. Too much has transpired to write about, and, quite frankly, I don't have the wherewithal to share it now.

Mom and dad are coming to visit and to help clean up our yard after the snowstorm, which looks like a hurricane came through. But, mostly, I think they're coming to be with their baby while her heart is breaking trying to get her baby. And, my husband is the most amazing man in the world. I'm thankful for parents, and husbands. And of course sweet pups. And I'm scared to death.

Bustin' A Move

2011-10-25T18:22:00.001-06:00

Terry is headed to ET next week to see Samuel, meet with our agency, our agency's attorney, USCIS and the Embassy. We don't expect this will result in any immediate action on our behalf, but we need information. I have a ticket booked for later in November to visit Samuel and meet with whomever is appropriate at that time.

The lack of information from our Agency is infuriating. The actions of the United States are unconscionable. The inability to actually "do" anything for Samuel is heartbreaking.

Snake Attack! And a whole lotta BS.

2011-10-20T18:16:00.001-06:00

OK. I'll save the snake attack bit for last.

In terms of Samuel - no news, things continue to get more convoluted. The biggest problem we have right now is that our agency won't or "can't" update us on Samuel's file. It is infuriating and I have given them a pretty big kick in the rear asking / demanding we get an update. OK - in truth I've done this multiple times now. But this time I am losing patience. I am pissed. We're to talk with them Monday. We continue to work with government officials, make requests/demands, etc. But until we know what is in Samuel's files we're basically stuck. Yes, so our agency/orphanage now are the ones screwing us in addition to the government. Nice. (I realize that's strong language, not as descriptive as what I wanted to write...) We do need to keep a good relationship with them, so I am trying to control myself, but getting strong in my requests for information.

I actually have to force myself (with the help of my hubby/dog) to let go of all of the blogs / Facebook information being posted / phone calls to be made / letters and emails to be written, etc, as it can be overwhelming and could easily kill or at least seriously maim a person. I did start a private blog where we're discussing who's doing what, who's talking to whom, what can we do as a group, and all things Ethiopia adoption related for those of us "stuck". I am trying to check it once a day versus every 5 minutes. It's seriously easily a full time job. Thanks, US government. Thanks, agency.

The good news is the giardia I obtained while in Africa is almost gone, and I'm feeling good enough to hike again. Thank god, as it is my most favorite past-time, and it helps with the stress (see paragraph above about getting totally consumed by the adoption problems.)

Anyway, on a hike today, Jackson and I were struck at today by a small rattlesnake!!! He was probably 18 inches or so. He missed us and took off like a shot (the snake). I jumped 2 feet in the air, as did Jackson. I (loudly) screamed "HOLY SH!T". When I pulled myself together, I apologized for my language to the Mennonite family with small children a few feet behind me on the trail. The mother, complete in her bonnet and modest dress, insisted we go back to see the snake - leaving the men and dog behind (I was like, right on, sister!). So we did, but that rattler was long gone. Then I took a few family pics for them, they were from Ohio, and Jackson and I were on our way.

I have come across more snakes than usual in the past month or two, and also have had some in dreams. This, of course, this led me to be interested in what the snake animal totem is about. I learned:

This a powerful totem -- it is the symbol of transformation and healing.
The Snake is wisdom expressed through healing.

It also signals a transition in your life - new opportunities and/or changes.

Hmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmmmm....

A few pictures below for your viewing pleasure - although none of the snake, unfortunately!

In all fairness, I was kinda warned?

But it's our favorite hiking spot - we're here weekly.

After a hike, old dogs sometimes need a little ice on their sore wrists :(

And, while I was in Orem, Utah for work this week, I got a hike in there, as well, at Dry Creek Canyon - 2 miles from my office. It was absolutely spectacular!

Now, in closing, before you question my work ethic...let me assure you that my between my early morning calls with Europe, my late night calls with Japan due to a big product launch and doubling my responsibility since my boss left last month - I feel quite fine about taking a hike over lunch or after work (before my Asia shift starts).

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

2011-10-15T20:23:00.000-06:00

We went on a hike today - some time away to celebrate you turning 1. No phone calls, no email, no letter writing, no lawyers, no private investigators, no agency, no US Embassy, no Senators, no USCIS. Just a family of 3, desperately wanting to be a family of 4. We love you.

We stopped and sang Happy Birthday to you, baby boy. We had a wonderful day. We miss you and our hearts are breaking.

The "new norm".

2011-10-11T21:03:00.007-06:00

I am going to come clean as to the real situation here. I have been avoiding writing about it as I didn't want to come across as "feeling sorry for myself". I didn't want to complain and wallow in my pain. I am now numb. At the same time I am mad as hell.

I had a bad feeling in my gut on Friday. I had a total breakdown. And I now believe it was my intuition. The mother in me knew that everything was about to change. And change it did. Things have spiraled down quickly with regards to adoption in Ethiopia for many. So, here's the reality we're facing:

1.) Since Friday, we have learned that cases with our agency and others are being sent to Nairobi for adjudication. You can read the link to get an idea as to what this means, but basically it's an escalation point, and a totally new layer of bureaucracy from our beloved nation. It's adding many, many months to the process. And, the eventual outcome is unclear as to what even happens with the children.

2.) The US Embassy will not clearly state what requirements they're looking for that "define a true orphan", or why these cases are being sent to Nairobi. They will not say what has changed, and why 85% of cases are being sent for adjudication versus just months ago when 85% of cases were approved. The keys here are vagueness and subjective decision-making versus objective decision-making.

3.) We have learned that there is no progress (that we can tell) with Samuel's case. We simply cannot get answers from our agency on what is happening with the additional requests for information on his case. I will again use the word vague. A theme is emerging.

While last week I was packing Sam's bags for the trip to bring him home from Ethiopia, we are now speaking to immigration attorneys. We are considering hiring a private investigator and are at peace individually and together as to how to proceed based on what we could learn. We are continuing to work our state governments and utilize any support we can get from friends and families' connections. We are planning trips to see Samuel and meet with our agency in country. We are making phone calls, writing emails, demanding information and preparing for war. Yes, our world has completely changed. This, our agency tells us, is "the new norm". I have a couple of choice words for this "new norm" and all of those involved, and they are: 1.) Screw. 2.) You.

We have no idea what the future holds - but for sure, it's one of two things: our greatest dreams realized, or our greatest fears come true. There's no grey here.

We were matched with him on March 22nd. Samuel turns 1 on Saturday.

The girl with the flower.

2011-10-10T17:26:00.008-06:00

I just want to offer gratitude for your thoughts, prayers and simple kindnesses. It's what's getting me through most days. The love & prayers, notes & phone calls we have coming our way are the most beautiful gifts. And we're very grateful.

While we were in Ethiopia, Terry traveled North - to the town Samuel is from. I stayed and got an extra visit with Samuel. We sat outside at the orphanage in the sun, surrounded by many older kids who were playing tag. Once the kids saw Samuel and me - they were fascinated with both of us. They don't see white people super often, and they don't often see the babies - who live in a different part of the orphanage. The surrounded us, and we played pattycakes and they touched my hair and Samuel's cheeks.

Anyway, there was a little girl who was carrying a flower just like the one in this picture above. She was so sweet - and shyly approached me to touch my strange white skin, and to see Samuel. She wasn't the youngest, or the cutest little girl. But something in her touched me. I tried to find her the next day, our final visit with Samuel, as the orphanage was going to see if she had been matched with a family. But Terry got violently ill - and I had to tend to him and get him to the clinic as soon as possible. I had to very quickly say goodbye to my son. I had to take care of my husband. I couldn't find the little girl with the flower. I hope she's ok.

I will never forget that day. All those kids. All those beautiful children. And Samuel, most of all. So far away. So very far away now.

No news. Nothing to report.

We miss you so much.

2011-10-03T20:43:00.003-06:00

I think of you every day. Every hour. Most every minute.

We're doing everything we can short of moving heaven and earth to get you home. And if we could find a way, we'd move heaven and earth, too.

We hope you're safe, and warm, and happy. And I hope blue bear reminds you of us. We'll be there soon...as soon as we possibly can, and maybe even sooner.

Love, your mommy, daddy and brother Jackson.

994 days.

2011-09-22T11:22:00.001-06:00

"Request for additional document"

2011-09-19T17:39:00.002-06:00

That's how our response from the Embassy subject line read. Although they're really requesting more information not another document. But I won't go into the poor grammar in our email from the last week. That's the least of my complaints.

Let me make it clear - I support the transparent and ethical processing of adoption files. I am not suggesting that we be able to bring our son home in the event that there's any indication he has family in Ethiopia who want to, and are capable of, raising him. If in the event this second investigation did uncover that type of information, it would absolutely crush us, but we would do what we could to support him and help him get an education if possible.

Here's the thing. I have been on the phone much of the last 2 business days with our agency, various government offices, and finally, today - I talked to the "Country Officer for Ethiopia Policy Issues" in DC. What I have learned, boiled down and in my words, is that there is a misunderstanding of requirements for files being presented to Embassy. This Embassy contact - who was very nice - assured me they've done in-person training workshops in Ethiopia, with adoption agencies and care centers. Our agency says no new requirements have been communicated. Ummmm.....THERE IS A PROBLEM HERE PEOPLE. While the contact at the Embassy said there are not new requirements for these files, she did say "there is an additional layer of scrutiny" (i.e. new requirements!?!?).

The math makes sense. A seemingly undefined "additional layer of scrutiny" + recent new staff at the Embassy in ET (i.e. people wanting to prove themselves, therefore asking, in many instances, for files to be completely re-assembled with information that may or may not have been originally required when the file was put together, and in some cases is already in the file) = BUREAUCRATIC BS KEEPING OUR SON, AND MANY CHILDREN IN AN ORPHANAGE FOR HOW MUCH LONGER??

The in-country agencies and care centers are now having to go back and get additional information on nearly every file. This is a resource strain on an already challenged infrastructure. Does this mean my child is held less because someone has to go dig up more information? Fed less, because they have to pay for the gas to drive to his birth town and get additional details? If you haven't been - telecommunications in Ethiopia are semi-existent in the best case scenario. So with this in mind, is it a leap to assume the care centers and agencies in Ethiopia, would, in their best interests, provide the required information the first time if they were crystal clear on what those requirements were? Maybe not. I don't know.

None of the cases that have been under the "additional layer of scrutiny" have been denied. That's good news. But. This is sounding more and more like NEPAL. And it makes me sick.

Once again: I support transparent, ethical adoptions, and children growing up in their families of origin. What I do not support is poor communication, finger-pointing and witch-hunts as the rule and not the exception - all resulting in children being institutionalized endlessly.

Ok (stepping off soapbox). I'll funnel this energy into something positive. Just had to vent.

/ˈkrāzē/

2011-09-16T20:37:00.000-06:00

cra·zy / Adjective: senseless; impractical; totally unsound. (The state of Anne these days...)

I may be crazy but it keeps me from going insane.
-Waylon Jennings

Really good stuff.

2011-09-11T23:17:00.001-06:00

We FINALLY took our infant/child CPR class on Saturday. One more crazy-long CD of at-home training and we're finished with our training! We also made another trip to IKEA to get a dresser that will also function as a changing table. Once we get that built we should be finished, at long last, with his room!

While at IKEA (which also happens to be my own personal hell) we got Samuel his very own Jackson. And the moment I picked it up and Terry couldn't, or wouldn't, say "no" - I loved my husband more than ever. You see, he'll complain about spending too much, we have too much crap, spending too much, we have too much crap, on and on (and I agree). But I know that he let me take that $15.00 huge golden-retriever stuffed animal that WE DO NOT NEED AT ALL, without protest, to the cashier because he loves both our golden, and our little boy so much. I'll never forget that moment.THAT is who I am lucky enough to be married to.

And - we got our monthly update (about a month late) from the orphanage. He's growing and gaining weight. And in one of the pictures, Samuel is SMILING! (We have video of him smiling, but this is the first documented photograph of the elusive Samuel Stone smile. And it's a spectacular, silly, toothless baby grin that I wish I could post and I look at at least 50 times a day.) I don't think there's anything that could have made me happier than that picture and my husband's heart this weekend. Such good stuff.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours?

2011-09-10T11:23:00.000-06:00

If you're reading this and I don't have your blog posted in my blog roll, can you please comment with your blog address? I want to be sure and post.

Thanks!

Another milestone passed!

2011-09-07T16:53:00.004-06:00

We learned yesterday (with great joy!) that our baby boy's paperwork was submitted to the US Embassy in Ethiopia on September 1. (SO HAPPY!)

This marks (what we hope is) the final leg of our long journey. The embassy will review his file once it crosses their desks (we have no idea how many cases are in front of us). They'll set an appointment/date for us to return to Addis, meet with the embassy and bring our son home. Or, they'll request more information on his case. The timing here is completely unknown. BEST FREAKY CRAZY MIRACLE time-frame scenario would be a phone call with good news in just a few weeks. I won't write worst case, cause that's not where my energy's going.

I would like to humbly request a freaky, crazy, beautiful, sudden miracle, please! (But then again, he is our miracle, so is it even fair to ask for another?!)

Regression then progression...

2011-09-04T23:01:00.004-06:00

That was SOME regression on my last post. (Yep, I'm having a tough time.) I appreciate your comments, insights and support more than you know. It's what gets me through some of the harder days. Thanks, y'all.

SO. I'm now pulling myself together, sorting baby/toddler clothes, writing thank you notes, working on his room, and assuming this is all going to continue to come together. (Yes - I did iron 2 tiny little denim/chambray shirts. I'm a bit obsessive about ironing. No, I don't expect I'll have time for this once he gets home. Come to think of it, I'm a bit obsessive about writing thank you notes, too, but have been a dismal failure this time around. I blame it on the giardina still making me feel like crud, combined with some stuff at work that has been all-consuming, including layoffs and budget cuts...UGH. But this isn't a work blog...)

Anyway - I have picked out what I want him to wear home, and have started packing his bag. The law of attraction, right? RIGHT????

One must arrive in Colorado in true Colorado style. Yes, his name is on his REI vest - thanks, Nona!

Good to be comfy on the plane, AND make a statement :)

We'll have to have a few alternates, because he does poop a lot. I got this groovy T in Austria the month we learned about Sam. March. (Ahem.)

Oh, Terry beckons for help with the glider. Over and out.

Unbearable.

2011-09-02T22:57:00.006-06:00

Not a word this week. No news. I have a very unsettled feeling - things have shifted and I am terrified of the wait. We thought we'd be headed back soon. His paperwork hasn't even gone to the US Embassy yet - and that could still take - I can't even think about the time frames much less commit to writing them.

While a few weeks ago all I could do was think about him, look at pictures, watch videos of our meetings, wash his clothes and prepare his room, talk about him endlessly...now I can't. I can't bring myself to do any of it. His bedroom door is closed and I can't bear to open it. I have taken pictures down, he's not on my desk or my phone wallpaper or in my conversations. It hurts too much.

I know this may be hard to understand. I don't understand it, either. Don't judge me, it doesn't mean I don't love him. Had I not been through what we've been through I would think to people like me: "just a little while longer, he's yours - you should be thrilled". It hurts too much to know much he has changed so much since we saw him, and will change so much before we see him again. He'll be a toddler when we get him home. Not a baby. This tears me apart into a million pieces.

My husband wrote to me: "I love that your mothering instincts are so strong that it hurts when you can't (yet)". Yes. It hurts. It hurts unlike anything I've ever felt.

I want to scream and throw things and curse the governments and the gods. And some days I do. Other days I feed my sorrow and giardia with sugar or lose myself by working too much. I don't want to feel.

Why am I so crazy? He's teething. He's trying to crawl. He's alone. He has dozens of different caregivers. I can't hold him. I can't look in his eyes. He's been in an orphanage since he was a month old. He has a cough, he has giardia. He's scared. What is being in the orphanage these extra months doing to him? He's there, we're here, he's not getting enough food, love, eye contact, stimulation, tummy time...I can't feel him anymore. He's too far away. He's so far away.

Baby Watermelon

2011-08-29T19:41:00.000-06:00

Just in case you were wondering, you can't practice using your baby carrier with a watermelon, because watermelon don't have legs.

And no, we haven't heard a F------ thing from the agency regarding Samuel or getting his case to the US Embassy. NOT. ONE. WORD. We passed court 6 WEEKS AGO. 6 WEEKS AGO!

GREEN EGGS AND SAM.

2011-08-23T16:26:00.011-06:00

I talked with our agency today.

Q: Any update on his paperwork?

A: No - internet has been down in Ethiopia so we don't know where things stand.

Q: Do you have his passport or birth certificate? Court decree?

A: No, no and maybe - the court decree might be stuck in cyberspace. We think they've sent it, but we don't have it.

Q: We've heard the US embassy has been scrutinizing cases even more than usual, is this true?

A: Well, it's a busy time of season and they've really been scrutinizing more since Jan 1st. So yes and no.

Q: Are you talking with our lawyer and agency rep in Ethiopia?
A: When we can hear him.

Q: We are thinking of having Terry go over to take custody, are other families doing the same?

A: The US government has sent us recommendations on that, we'll send out when we can.

Q: Can we have family help us start contacting our senators and representatives for support and pressure on the Embassy in Addis?

A: Your paperwork hasn't even gotten to embassy.

Q: Can you give me any information on timing?

A: No

Q: I am losing my mind. Is there anything you can tell me????

A: No, sorry. Not really.

SERIOUSLY?????? OK. I AM FREAKING OUT! SO THERE!!
WE PASSED COURT MORE THAN A MONTH AGO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE LET US GET OUR SON HOME. I WANT MY BABY AND I WANT HIM NOW!! I AM AT WIT'S END! I WANT MY BABY HOME, SAFE, IN MY ARMS, NOT IN AN ORPHANAGE. (YES! THIS IS NOT THE PRETTIEST PART, BUT IT'S A PART OF ME RIGHT NOW!) I WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AND TELL PEOPLE TO HURRY UP!! SIGN PAPERS!! GET APPROVALS!! I WANT MY BABY! I DO NOT WANT TO BE CALM. I DO NOT WANT TO BE PATIENT. I DO NOT WANT TO LET THINGS HAPPEN IN THEIR OWN TIME. I DO NOT WANT TO BREATH DEEPLY!

I DO NOT WANT TO WAIT A WHILE! I DO NOT WANT TO TRY TO SMILE! I DO NOT WANT GREEN EGGS AND HAM!

I WANT MY LITTLE BABY, SAM!

And DO NOT suggest I calm down, please.

(Guess it's a good thing this is as private blog, if I'm going to let it all out like this.)

This moment.

2011-08-22T21:53:00.005-06:00

I wake every morning at 5:30 thinking about him. I can't get back to sleep. He was 5 months old when we first saw him, he's now 10 months old. He has been our son for half of his life, yet we've spent less than 10 hours with him.

We've been so blessed in all of this. More than blessed. He is so beautiful. Our friends, family colleagues and even strangers have been incredibly and amazingly supportive and generous. We have so much. Our Ethiopia process has been "easy"...for an international adoption.

But can we please have one more miracle and get him home soon? Please?

I think about him all the time, yet looking at pictures of him makes my heart hurt. I know we must focus on now - the present, and not spend time hoping or wanting what isn't in this very moment. I also know I need to hold him and have him while he's still a baby.

We're ready, BBS. Please come home to us.

Namaste, Selam, God Bless.

Most. Productive. Weekend. Ever!

2011-08-17T17:19:00.002-06:00

My mom and dad were here for a long weekend, and all I can say is that Terry and I both wish we had the energy that my parents do! They were an incredible help, not to mention fun to be with. (Unfortunately they may never return, we worked so hard!)

Here are just a few things we accomplished:

3 trips to IKEA (stab me in the eye with a fork!)
1 trip to BabiesRUS (stab me in the eye with a spoon!)
Multiple trips to the hardware store
Built toy organizers and bookshelves for baby's room
Sorted and organized and toys and "stuff"
Washed, folded and stored clothes for when he's a bit bigger (which is most of them!)
Built crib and got mattress
Cleaned and organized baby room
Built shelves for extra storage in laundry room
Built closet in guest bathroom for storage
Packed up china and moved china cabinet
Built new storage piece for living room to allow places for toys and storage
Prepared for and hosted a BBQ for 30 of our closest international adoption friends
Went to a baby shower in Nederland hosted by Terry's oldest friend (time, not age!) Tracy, and my longest-time Colorado friend, Suzanne
Visited with our wonderful friend Nature who introduced and married Terry and me (since she was in town for the shower)
Had dinner with some close friends of ours and my parents' in Boulder
Mom made an awesome gluten-free peach cobbler

Here's the baby's room with the new IKEA storage. Terry's mom and I helped him with his awesome tree mural a few weeks ago. Crib pictures to come.

Here's the new storage in the living room (not IKEA), which replaced the china cabinet we had. SO much more space for toys now in the main part of the house!

We still have lots to do - but wow - was this weekend an amazing help and a great time! Thanks, mom and dad!!!

Now for the thing I need to do with no help (unless my hubby steps up...) is WRITE THANK YOU NOTES! Have got to get on this.

Still no word on bringing him home. I really, really am not good with this waiting. REALLY. Can't even talk about timing or I break down.

Waiting Again. Still.

2011-08-08T16:43:00.001-06:00

Just a quick update. Now we're waiting for our file to be transferred to the US Embassy, and await their investigation and our eventual embassy date. Timing? Who knows. 6-8 weeks we hope!

HE IS OUR BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-05T10:50:00.005-06:00

We have been awarded custody!!!

I have never been so happy in my life. We just got the call that our MOWA letter came through TODAY in Ethiopia, and we have passed court. HE IS OUR SON! We have dodged the court closures by mere hours!!!

The thought of him in the orphanage for an extra 2-4 months was more than I could bear. I was up all night: "It's 2pm in Addis, there's still time...", "It's 3pm in Addis, there's still time..." and so on. I fell asleep on the floor in his room. I lit candles. I prayed. I cried. I worried. I prayed. I read him books. I cried.

Thank you Universe! Thank you God, thank you Buddha, thank you Allah, thank you everyone who has us in their thoughts!!

It's a miracle. I am a mama. Terry is a daddy. Jackson's a big brother. We're a family!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now, I must give back. I am collecting shoes and formula for our next trip. These babies need help. I'll take as much as we can carry.

And, I must make this note. One year ago tomorrow, August 6th, 2010, Nepal closed for adoption. We mourn the child we lost, the children our friends lost, and we have our friends who had to fight and nearly go bankrupt to get their children home in our hearts.

Selam. Peace.

Hanging by a thread.

2011-08-01T19:08:00.000-06:00

OK - update!

We have been so incredibly blessed and lucky in this process with Ethiopia.

And, I thought we were "free and clear" by getting our court date before court closures in August/September in Ethiopia. Notsofast! After talking with our agency today we learned that, it turns out, we're not through with the court system yet, and could still be potentially impacted by the closures. We will know more this week, but since we don't have a letter (MOWA) we're waiting on, the judge can't give final sign-off on our paperwork. It is unclear as of right now whether there will be a judge in court during the closures to sign off on completed cases. Our agency was semi-positive and very non-commital on what the chances of our case getting processed this week.

(I will resist the urge to comment extensively on the impact this new information is having on my overall well-being.)

So - more waiting, more hoping, more trying to breathe.

In the meantime, I am focusing on:

Pulling together donations for the orphanage for our return trip. (We need shoes, diapers and formula - at this point I hope to have 2 duffel bags full.)
Raising money for the crisis in the Horn of Africa. You can feed a child - $10 for 10 days - Donate $10 by texting the word AID to 27722 through the World Food Programme. We've donated in BBS's name, and an email will be sent to his email address. Please consider working with your community to increase awareness of the situation, and a fund-raiser with your family, friends and colleagues.

Find more ways to contribute, here.

Selam/Namaste/Thank you.

Funk in the house.

2011-07-30T15:16:00.004-06:00

We've been home for a week now, but have barely left the house. We both have some kind of intestinal bug. After being up-close and comfortable with these unwelcome guests for more than a week now, we think we have the same intestinal terrorists. And no, this isn't a little case of traveler's poo, this is fever and as much upper GI as lower. Little f**kers.

So here we are, anxious to get back to work, anxious to be outside in beautiful Colorado, anxious to get ready for the baby, hell...anxious to unpack! Yet we're so sick we're like pale sloths acknowledging each other as we pass in the hall on the way to the bathroom or make toast. IT SUCKS.

We have seen 2 docs, and are currently on a regimen we hope will help with high doses oregano extract and grapefruit seed extract in addition to massive probiotics. The famed C-bomb (cipro) didn't do a thing. So much for the theory that it's the perfect travel drug. NOT.

Terry has lost 10lbs, I have lost 9 - in a week, mind you. I have read the Jaycee Dugard Story in a day, finished "Grace and Power... the Kennedy White House" and the completed the final book in the Hunger Games. I am so tired of Jersey Shore reruns and the inside of my eyelids that I have just done the only thing a girl can do to improve her mood. I tried on my skinny jeans. (Almost.) I know that's warped, and I also know some of you will totally get it.

Next step: collecting "samples" for the lab. Outstanding.

PS - what's going down in this house (pun intended) isn't nearly as cute as what's in the above pic.

The truth hurts.

2011-07-28T21:54:00.008-06:00

While I know I can't change the world, seeing the world has changed me forever.

An estimated 3.7 million people in Somalia - 1/3 to 1/2 of the population - are starving to death. Millions more in Djibouti, Ethiopia, Kenya and Uganda are struck by the worst drought in decades. This is miles from where my son is this very minute. This is now part of my story.

And our headlines? Jennifer Lopez gets divorced (shocker), Hustler offers Casey Anthony $500k (sick), insert headline of the week about over-paid, whiney professional athletes (gag).

Here I sit, in my air-conditioned home, hundreds of breakfast cereals to chose from at the store a few miles away in my car, limitless, clean water from the tap, any kind of entertainment at my fingertips, shopping malls on every corner with anything I could ever need.. privileged and naive beyond comprehension. I am not saying that I - or we - don't work hard for what we have. I don't want to go political here. I am just overwhelmed with the idea that because of where I was born and how I was raised, I have this life. Because of where they were born, they don't have a chance to live.

I don't mean to sound Pollyanna but I realize I do. I am a self-admitted shoe-addict, after all. I'm just as bad as anyone in my consumption and ignorance. I am really struggling with all of this. Ignorance is bliss, right? Yeah. Ignorance was a few weeks ago.

While I've traveled extensively and lived in Europe, and visited Mexico, Central America and other areas of the world, nothing could have prepared me for Africa. And now, on top of the already out-of-control poverty, disease (HIV), and hunger, there's this.

I can't change the world, but I can be more conscious about my decisions and how I choose to live. It's easier to go on on as usual, isn't it? Ignorance is bliss, right? The question for me, is: will I be a strong and compassionate enough person to even try.

I love him.

2011-07-23T18:55:00.001-06:00

Already. Completely. Totally.

Homeward bound.

2011-07-22T07:46:00.002-06:00

In 6 hours we leave for Dulles (via Rome), then on to Denver. So anxious to get home, so sad to leave.

More soon.

-Selam

We're Officially Parents! (In Ethiopia, anyway...)

2011-07-19T09:32:00.000-06:00

On Monday, July 18^th, we passed court! It was a very quick/surreal experience. We were in front of the judge for all of about 5 minutes. And now, if we could stay in Ethiopia, we could take custody of BBS. Instead, we have to be content with a couple more visits and hope for a quick return. There’s a letter everyone who has passed court is waiting on from the Ministry of Women and Children which is delaying things by about 3 weeks. So – absolute best case scenario would be getting BBS home in 6 weeks. Unless – by some miracle, things speed up! And I do now believe in miracles!

We have now gotten a few smiles, today I even got giggles! It was THE BEST THING EVER! We were working on "turning over", and my ponytail tickled his forehead. He started giggling and dang was that the best thing I've ever seen. We’re awestruck. This is be the most beautiful, sweetest, smartest baby ever.

BBS has a cough/cold which he has generously passed to me. I want to get him home and get him healthy. I don’t want to miss a second of his life now, and knowing that I will miss things is mind-numbingly hard. He’ll have a few teeth when we come back. He’ll hopefully be better at sitting/crawling. He needs one-on-one attention so badly – and I just know he is gong to absolutely thrive with mama and baba (daddy) loving on him - he already has. For the first time in his life, he’ll have consistent care – the same 2 people feeding him, changing him, putting him down and answering his cries, tickling him and helping him learn. I can’t imagine how we will say goodbye to him on Friday, so, I’m not thinking about it. Anyone want to sponsor me to live in Africa for a few months??

Terry has gone to the North of Ethiopia to see where BBS is from. I was to go too, but with this cold / stomach bug, I am still here in Addis. I got approval for an extra visit with BBS – they’re super strict on how often we see him, which is strange, because we could take custody now if we could stay here. I miss Terry already – I’m excited for him on his excursion. I can't wait to tell him about my day with BBS and all the giggles, and hear how his trip is going. I miss Jackson, too.

And finally, there’s a mama dog (woosha) here at the guest house who had 9 puppies the same morning I became a mama – so I’d better go check on the puppies, and give her more beef jerky so she can keep her strength. The drivers for the guest house who hang out in the street watch over her and they made her a make-shift shelter for her and the pups. So I think she’ll be ok. But I think she is going to miss the organic, grass-feed beef jerky when I’m gone.

Thanks for all your prayers, thoughts and good wishes. God has definitely heard!

Hearts 'a bursting.

2011-07-17T01:54:00.000-06:00

Selam -

Addis Ababa is mind-boggling – on any given road one will see beggars, goats, donkeys, people hauling goods, raw meat hanging to dry, produce stands, make-shift homes of rubble, kids, barefoot playing soccer with bound up tape and paper as the ball, people selling everything from gum to jewelry. Next to a crippled beggar you’ll see someone who looks like they just walked out from a very chic night club. The sights, sounds and smells of Addis are hard to describe - so varied, colorful, shocking and intense. Hiding behind the high walls with razor wire perched on them, warning the outsiders to stay out, are homes that look like a suburban home you’d see in an average US neighborhood. Right next to that, you’ll see a woman with babies living on the street.

I think the best way to describe this trip is “contradictory”. The children begging are heartbreaking, and the sick and maimed people and animals are hard to see. So there’s a great feeling of sadness at the same time a great feeling of happiness for our reason to be here. We are constantly reminded of our extreme privilege. I had some culture shock the first few days, but now feel comfortable and even affectionate towards this remarkable city. (Except for the pollution.)

We had our second visit with BBS. They brought him into the room and we had the most amazing two hours, we will never forget it. We played with him, carried him around, talked to him and looked at each other with amazement, each moment our love for this little baby growing. We fed him a bottle, during which he would reach up and touch Terry’s face, or grab on to my hair. When he had a full belly, we were able to rock him to sleep. And I held my sleeping baby for the first time ever. I think both of our hearts swelled to bursting.

The orphanage doesn’t take visitors on the weekend so we won’t see him again until Monday – and that cannot come soon enough. Monday is also the day we go to court to hopefully get custody of BBS. If that goes well, it’s a matter of US investigations and more paperwork chasing and hopefully returning in 6 weeks to bring this sweet boy home.

Tuesday we head up to Northern Ethiopia in hopes of documenting the area BBS was born, and the first care center he was taken to. And then Friday night late we fly back home.

That’s all for now, we’re exhausted, have been going every second. It has been the most mind-blowing trip of a lifetime, for sure.

The picture is taken on the hour's drive to the care center, which takes us out Addis into areas a bit more rural.

July 14, 2011

2011-07-14T07:07:00.000-06:00

Selam (peace!)

We met our son this morning!

We can’t share photos, but he’s gorgeous. I mean he is absolutely beautiful.

It was about an hours’ drive to the orphanage/care center. It was the most surreal experience of our lives. They took us into a room (around 8x8) with pillows on the floor and some toys. One of the nannies walked in with BBS, handed him to me, and left. (Seriously! She left – does she know we have no experience with kids??) Our driver, Efram, took the flip and started filming, Terry took our camera and took some pictures. BBS looked right at me, he touched my face, then held on tight to my hair. Then it was Terry’s turn, I handed him his son. And again, BBS touched his lips and his face. And I took pictures. We then proceeded to stand there, in shock, and not know quite what to do. The driver suggested we walk around the care center – so we did.

It’s a very clean/new facility. Although the drive to get there takes one through 3^rd world country scenery the likes of which I have never seen. More on that later.

BBS was very quiet, not fussy at all. He can clearly hear and see, he reached for things and liked to hold our fingers (or my hair). He was observant but we could not, for over an hour of trying, get him to smile. He has a little cough and a runny nose. Oh, and he did throw up on me. So I guess that makes it somewhat official.

It’s hard to put this experience into words. The best we can do right now is to remember to breathe.

a ma se ge na le hu

2011-07-13T12:14:00.003-06:00

After what was probably the most delightful non-business class overseas flight I’ve ever taken, Terry and I find ourselves amazed and confused in Addis Ababa, the capitol of Ethiopia. As hard as it is to believe, 12.5 hours actually seemed to go by fairly quickly. Ethiopian Air has a new fleet of 777’s all with personal entertainment screens and what seems like a bit more space (a few inches) than coach on most airlines. Terry was able to get some ambien-induced sleep, I was able to get some ambien-induced bad movie-watching in.

We landed at 8am, zipped through getting our Visas and Customs, picked up all 3 bags (yay!) and came to the hotel we’re staying at tonight – before proceeding to the guest house where we’ll be staying for the next 4 nights, tomorrow.

In what was somewhat of a surprise - we talked to our agency’s legal council and learned we’d be able to see BBS today!! So after a good nap, we headed to the care center (formerly known as the orphanage) with our driver. Well… then a kink in the plan. Turns out, BBS is actually at a different care center – although in the same system – about an hour away. So we couldn’t see him today, it was too late.

I'm not sure if it was the 12.5 hour flight with no sleep, the culture shock, or the thought of meeting our son within moments, only to have it not happen – but I got a little upset. I managed to keep myself somewhat composed, as the full-on tantrum I wanted to have would have neither been culturally acceptable, nor appropriate for a glowing new mother. (Terry was of course his patient and courteous self, thankfully.) Long story shorter, we’ll meet BBS tomorrow morning. Maybe best for all of to do so when well-rested.

Addis is amazing – more on that when we’re able to post pics, or see through the smog – whichever happens first.

And the reason I wrote “ we find ourselves amazed and confused” is because that’s exactly what we’re feeling. It’s one thing to jump on a plane and fly to what has been described as “not a third-world, but a fifth-world country” in 24 hours. It’s another thing entirely to add to that meeting your son for the first time. So yes, we’re excited, yes, we’re nervous and yes – we’re not quite sure what we are right now. What could be more amazing than THIS experience? And we’re happy to be here. And I'm especially happy to be here with Terry - of all people, who is my much better half.

So - we just look at each other and laugh, thinking: O M G ! Seriously? Really? O M G! Wow. I really can't put it into words right now - I wish I could, more eloquently. It’s the most life-changing thing we’ve ever experienced. And it's only just begun.

The only other thing to say here is that we have spent all day trying to say “thank you” in Amharic. (a ma se ge na le hu). I did say thank you in German, though, so at least I'm trying.

Stay tuned. And thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers - 'cause we really can feel them.

Testing from Addis Ababa!

2011-07-13T02:51:00.003-06:00

We'd heard we couldn't blog from Addis, but it might appear otherwise. If you're reading this... we have arrived!

Test Post from the Guest Blogger

2011-07-10T15:07:00.002-06:00

Hi Everyone.. just making sure we are up and running before the Stones fly off to meet Baby Stone!! I promise to do the best I can updating everyone with what info I get from Anne and Terry.. I have threatened them that we NEED UPDATES!!

Hang in there and we will be back when they land!!

Kyndra

This day.

2011-07-10T13:56:00.004-06:00

This day finds us doing final loads of laundry, tying up loose ends at work, mowing the lawn, organizing and finally, packing!

Our friends picked up our sweet pup for a few weeks away. The house feels very empty after only a few hours. We miss him already.

And, in the midst of all of this, every once in a while I feel my heart peek open, and BBS smile. We're on our way soon, sweet boy. Today is 2 years, 6 months and 9 days since we started this process.

We'll do our best to send updates through my Fryendra til the Eyndra while we're gone. No pictures here until he's home with us though. We had to make that tough decision, and I feel good about it.

God speed!

30-second update

2011-07-06T22:07:00.000-06:00

Hi - we're still here. We'll meet BBS in a week! We'll be in Ethiopia in less than a week!

We're running around with our hair on fire trying to get ready for the trip in just a few days.

No major exciting updates, and I won't bore you with a list of how productive we've been, again. Yes, we're excited! Yes, we're overwhelmed! Yes, things are coming together. People have been amazing and supportive and we feel super blessed to have the family and friends we do.

Here's the situation.

2011-07-03T15:14:00.004-06:00

Oh my God - did I just quote Jersey Shore?? Can't be. Some unfortunate coincidence I am sure. I'm giddy!

At any rate - we learned this morning (from a delightful couple and their gorgeous son we just met) that WE CANNOT UPDATE BLOGGER while in Ethiopia! Oh no!! Apparently the Ethiopian government has it blocked.

This is a problem (situation) on many levels, because writing on this blog is therapy, it's our diary of our process - and you won't be able to follow on our journey!

I'll either do a temporary WordPress site for the 2 trips, or update y'all the old-fashioned way - by email or skype :)

Anne

PS - I came this close < > to putting a picture of "The Situation" on this blog post, but God forbid the authorities ever get into this blog. We'd be deemed unfit parents I am sure.

PS #2 - I had the flu for a week. There wasn't much else on, it was an all-day Jersey Shore marathon. I couldn't help it. It hasn't happened since.

T-Minus 13

2011-06-28T18:38:00.002-06:00

We are leaving for Addis Ababa in 13 days. We are CRAZY busy. Here's just a small list of what we've accomplished in the last week or so:

Cleaned out BBS's (Baby Boy Stone's) room
Painted mural in BBS's room
Shopped for and bought crib (thanks Carolyn!)
Bought cutest little table for BBS to draw at w/daddy (")
Bought used Tripp-Trapp high chair
Bought clearance baby boy clothes
Had garage sale
Registered at Babies R Us and REI
Picked up used pack and play (thanks Lynn!!)
Took leftover items to Habitat for Humanity and consignment
Preparing lists of invitees for 3 baby showers
Each have had multiple immunizations
Researched and booked flights
Researched travel insurance
Researched and booked hotel rooms
Researched additional travel to N. Ethiopia
Researched gliders (thanks Liz!)
Researched rain boots that are functional, cheap and cute, no luck
Got multiple prescriptions for trip
Put together medical kit
Shopped REI for travel-related items like chlorine tablets for H2O
Started packing list
Made a list for friend who offered to shop additional garage sales (thanks Julie!)
Answered 10,000 questions about the adoption process now that it's happening (ok, maybe 100)
Talked with my mom at least 10 times
Wrote multiple thank you notes
Found a Jackson-sitter (thanks Ann and Ross!)
Got photo album for BBS and decided on pictures to take
...

I am too tired to finish this list. You get the picture.

Oh... I forgot to mention that then there's my full-time job! (Fortunately, I love my job and the people I work with, so it's a pleasant distraction. And my boss, who I adore, let me work from home last week which was a LIFESAVER!) And the women I work (who I also adore) with are laughing at the"baby-brain" taking over my usual hyper-diligence.

My fryendra til the endrya.

2011-06-26T19:24:00.006-06:00

This blog post is dedicated to my friend Kyndra.

Kyndra and her husband have 2 gorgeous kids who also happened to be adopted. I mention they're adopted because she's walked this very path before me. Kyndra has been - as so many people have - amazingly supportive in our journey. (But that's another blog post...)

I met Kyndra at a Nepal potluck more than two years ago and liked her immediately. And in that time, she has: talked me through the ups and downs of Nepal, helped me through the closure of Nepal, helped me come back from kind of losing my mind when we lost our child in Nepal, talked me through the ups and downs of Ethiopia, suggested our international adoption doctor, shopped multiple garage sales for me, found me a tripp trapp high-chair (new for a used price), found me other used baby items, talked me through travel questions, helped with nursery decisions (she's an awesome interior designer if you need one!), offered to host a baby shower, been available for questions at any hour - the list goes on!

OK. I will mention here that I'm a pretty productive person. (I'd even say in the 90th percentile in terms of what I can get done when I put my mind to it.) But today, I was put in my place. I was humbled.

Kyndra did one of the most helpful things a friend could do today. She took me to Babies R Us, and walked me through every single aisle. In less than one hour, we registered for 69 items.

I will admit that, prior to today, I had tried to register on my own, and came up with 4 things I thought we probably needed. Yup. 4. I did learn that of those 4 well-thought out items I worked so freaking hard to register for, we only need 3. Oh, yeah, I also learned this weekend that babies don't use "sheet sets". They have only a bottom fitted sheet. This, after searching in vain for sheets sets and being confused as to why I couldn't just buy the fitted sheet, the top sheet and the pillow cases in one package! And - there is no "6-9 months" size. It doesn't exist. 0-3, 3-6, some 6-12, 12-18, 18-24. No 6-9. Whatever. I think these things are to make people like me feel unfit to be a parent. And it's working.

Anyway. Kyndra knows what one needs when bringing home a close-to-one year-old. She knows the layout of the store. She knows I want mostly natural and BPA-free stuff. She knows my nursery colors and, mostly, she knows that I know nothing about any of this. We had a tight timeline, and we were practically a tornado in that store. We checked in, I was handed a scanner gun, and off we went. (There are seriously very few people who could have handled the pace physically or emotionally.) At one point, I started to ask a question about an item. Kyndra didn't stop what she was doing, held up the item in question with one hand while reaching for the next necessary item with the other, and said: "Point and shoot, Anne. Point and shoot."

So, that's our mantra for the next phase of our life. "Point and shoot. Point and shoot."

Hmmmmm.

2011-06-25T15:47:00.000-06:00

A sign of things to come.

2011-06-23T18:16:00.000-06:00

I don't miss things. I'm always on time. I have clean floors. I write thank-you notes immediately.

If this week is any indication of how life will be when BBS arrives, and I assume it is, all of the above has gone to hell in a hand-basket. Already.

We offered to purchase and have dinner delivered for some friends who just arrived home with their little girl from Ethiopia. I wrote the wrong date on my calendar, leaving them without dinner last night. (I don't miss things like this!)
I have been late to 2 appointments today and missed a work meeting. (I am always early! I am obsessive about not missing work meetings and responding to emails in an hour!)
My floors are a gross disaster. I walked through Jackson slobber and fur and thought "screw it" (or something similar). (OMG! Ask my husband about my floor freakishness!)
My wonderful mother sent me an amazing care-package OVER A MONTH AGO for BBS and I haven't written a thank-you note yet. (I write thank you notes within 24 hours - OR LESS!)

WHO IS THIS PERSON???

Sincerely,

Quickly becoming less of a control freak, whether I like it or not.

Our first trip to Ethiopia - what we know as of 12:55pm on Tuesday:

2011-06-21T12:57:00.001-06:00

Here are a few details, although vague:

We're trying to book tickets today - turns out this is the high season in Ethiopia - of course! So flights are packed but we'll hope for the best. We may stay overnight in Frankfurt.
We will probably fly over *around* the 12th and meet him the day after we arrive.
We'll get to see him 3-4 times during this first visit.
We have our court date July 18th.
We'll either pass court, or they'll ask for more documentation, this will require more court dates.
We won't be required for subsequent court hearings in the event they're required - our agency's lawyer will handle.
We will then fly home - we might see a bit of the country if we can swing it after our court date
We then wait for the US to process him as a citizen.
This takes somewhere between 1-3 months after we've passed court
And they we fly back over - to bring him home!!

That's all we know right now - obviously much to do in the next 3 weeks! Thank you so much for everyone's thoughts and prayers.

(The picture is the mural Terry, his mother and I painted in his room this weekend.)

! ! ! !

2011-06-20T18:50:00.001-06:00

Our court date is July 18th!
We made it before rainy season!
We're going to meet our son!
So, so, so grateful!

Mama Bear

2011-06-14T12:04:00.002-06:00

Until I am this:

I am pretty much this:

I am chalking it up to instincts. Don't get between me and my cub. I am mean and very crazy right now.

Excruciating.

2011-06-09T14:08:00.003-06:00

I've now talked to two families who got matches with their children more than a month after us. They both already have court dates for June or July.

We're still hoping to get an initial date in July before the courts close down for rainy season in August/September.

The uncertainty of this, and of our baby potentially spending 2 extra months in an orphanage, is excruciating. I know I should let go, I know I shouldn't worry. I know I need to be patient. But while I know all of that, I am literally sick to my stomach every time I think about timing. I can't breathe.

There are times when I feel certain we'll travel soon. There are times my my stomach and heart seem to fall through my feet into the floor because we may not.

Please?

I'm going to go take the pup for a walk/swim at the river, and try to remember all the good. Yes, take my mind off of it.

Three.

2011-06-07T19:37:00.003-06:00

This powerful Celtic symbol dates back to 2500 b.c. It's the oldest known Celtic symbol, and is referred to as a triple spiral, Celtic spiral or the Celtic trilogy.

Some say this symbol represents the 3 stages of life: birth, death and eternity; others see it as land, sea and sky. Pagans view it as a symbol of the triple goddess and believe it represents phases of the moon. Sometimes Christians use the symbol to represent the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I've also seen it referred to as a sign of female power - especially power through transition and growth.

Besides the "three prongs" and the associated meanings above, this mark also implies movement: action, constantly going forward, learning and spiritual growth.

Today, this shape to me means, simply, moving towards our three: Father, Mother and Child.

REI and the Family Stone

2011-05-30T19:47:00.003-06:00

We went to REI this weekend and bought our first major purchase for BBS (baby boy Stone). Drum roll please... the BOB stroller! We are actually pretty excited about this stroller, and even discussed taking it around the block - just because we can. (We didn't. Not yet anyway).

While we were at REI we decided to drop the 20 buckaroos to get BBS his very own lifetime membership to REI. Yep. He's got an REI card before he even has a passport or social security card. Quite appropriate, I think!

Colorado's waiting, mamoosh! Let's get you home!

(Sly and the Family Stone? Anyone??)

This old pup.

2011-05-28T18:45:00.003-06:00

Our sweet pup is getting old. He's not able to hike as long as he was even last summer, and he's very sore after walks of more than 30 minutes or so. Sometimes, when he tries to stand after a longer walk, his back legs just won't cooperate. Poor sweet Jackson. How I love this dog.

Last night as we were getting ready to go to bed, he got sprayed by a skunk. Fortunately the anti-skunk remedy we found online and also were told by the emergency vet worked VERY well! Not sure who was more unhappy - him, for having to have 3 baths in a row with different concoctions at midnight, or us, for having to give him 3 baths in a row with different concoctions at midnight!

This sweet pup:

Carries around a stuffed animal so he always has a pillow
Helps carry in groceries, and is offended when you don't offer him something to carry
Loves to roll in poop or dead animals
Is very upset when I'm upset
Loves water in any form (lake, snow, stream, etc.) except bath water
Howls with us, just for fun
Brings in the mail from the corner
Is sometimes the dirtiest dog I know, which makes me crazy
Loves to cuddle
Always greets us at the door with a toy (or 3) in his mouth
Is the biggest golden I've ever seen, with paws almost as big as my hands
Is a little bit, ok, a LOT scaredy cat
Has been my steadfast cohort on hikes for 8 years now, since I met Terry
Poops and pees on command
Knows how to get his collar, and his leash, and take them to the front door, and does so when it's time for a walk, and sometime when it's not
Squeeks a toy when it's dinner time... lest we forget - he'll tell us
Is my best friend, hiking buddy and confidante

Love you my fluffer-nutter, punkin pie. How can you be this old when to me, you're still just a pup? I wish getting old weren't so soon for you, buddy.

It's not about me anymore.

2011-05-27T14:41:00.001-06:00

We heard today that our papers are "officially logged" in with the Ethiopian courts. What does that mean? More waiting. We've been told to expect as long as 4-7 weeks more until we are told our actual court date - the date we go to Ethiopia to meet and (hopefully) get custody from Ethiopia for BBS. Then, it's another few months wait until we can go back over and bring him home.

The courts close for August and September for rainy season. Yup. They shut down. Apparently with dirt roads the downpour of rainy season makes everything impossible, including inter-country travel. If we don't get a court date assigned before then, that's an extra 2 months on to the wait time. It's two additional months that BBS is in an orphanage and not in our care.

What I want to do right now is SCREAM and CRY and THROW PLATES and CURSE and HAVE A TEMPER TANTRUM. I want to BECOME THE OUT OF CONTROL STORM that is just below my surface. I want to yell at the agency, the agency's rep in Ethiopia and anyone who has anything to do with the timing of this process. Or the person at Starbucks. Or my husband. I want to tell them that this isn't fair and I hate this and they are making this hell for me and for BBS.

But, what I will do, instead, is go sit in BBS's room and have a good cry. I'll tell him I love him and hope he's here soon. Because now I'm a mother, so that's what I have to find the strength to do. And some day, I'll tell our sweet little boy that sometimes you have to just do your best, because sometimes, that's all you can do.

Today.

2011-05-25T16:42:00.000-06:00

Must remember to not get so wrapped up in what I want, that I forget what I have.

Pebbles and Stones

2011-05-22T18:45:00.006-06:00

When I travel, I generally try to find a small pebble or stone to take home with me, I love rocks/stones/pebbles of all shapes/sizes. (Insert joke here about marrying a Stone…) I have a big bowl filled with all of these beautiful river rocks, sand stones, crystals, etc., from around the country and world. (The most recent addition was a white, heart-shaped stone I found in Austria on the banks of the Salzach river.) The bigger stones live in the garden.

Now, my parents will chime in here and tell you I tried to bring a small boulder home from California on a family vacation when I was about 7. (I was convinced it was a geode. My dad tried to break it so I could take part of it - but I ended up going home without it. I'm pretty sure I shed a few tears. But it was a really great big, round stone.) In his defense, dad has brought me many great, big rocks and stones since then. :)

ANYWAY! I’ve been going for walks on the beach each morning while I'm here in Florida. I have been looking for stones or pebbles, but only finding seashells, coral or seaweed. Not a fan of the seashell. Too breakable and, well, sea-shelly. But today, I found a stone! It was an interesting shape, so I picked it up - if for no other reason. It was kind ugly, but like I said, not many options. I carried it back to my beach chair, and was looking at it, trying to decide if it was worthy of my collection, because honestly, I wasn't inspired. Then, out of nowhere, I had a thought. And I Googled the map of Ethiopia. Take a look below to find out what I discovered…

Is it just me?

Playing at the beach.

2011-05-21T21:03:00.001-06:00

I'm in Boca Raton, Florida for work this week. (This does not suck.) I'm moderating and presenting at a conference next week, so while I AM spending my weekend writing my script and my presentations, I'm doing it from a beach chair with hourly dips into the Atlantic. Like I said, it doesn't suck.

Today, throughout the day, I thought of my boys, and how fun it will be to bring them to the beach.

There's BBS, of course, with whom I cannot wait to frolic in the waves and build sand castles (and then destroy them - because, after all, he is a little boy...)

But there's also our pup, who's not a baby anymore, Jackson Stone. You've seen pictures and I've written about him in this blog. He's pretty much my first-born. I love this dog more than just about anything. So - he's my other boy I want to bring to the beach. If there are two things in the world this dog loves, they are dirt and water. I think he would go absolutely nuts at the ocean, and I would love, love, love to see it. And, I'd love to be able to give him that joy before he gets too old. Which, unfortunately, is upon us already.

So that's what I want for Christmas this year. I want to take my two boys to the beach. Along with my man. That's all. No presents, no prime rib, no stockings hung by the chimney with care, no sparkly tree. Just me and my guys at the beach. That is about the best thing I can even begin to imagine.

Today is 8 weeks...

2011-05-17T10:48:00.002-06:00

...since we learned about our little miracle. We learned that his paperwork is being submitted this week for a court date. God Speed!

This little piggy...

2011-05-13T18:22:00.001-06:00

BBS has gained 2 pounds in the last month!! Woo hoo! We got an update from the orphanage today, and when I got finished converting kilograms to pounds, I shed a few tears of happiness. (Surprised even myself!) And two cute pictures of that little sucker. He's growing for sure.

He has grown 1 cm, and his head has grown 2 cm. He's still sporting a faux-hawk (or a fro-hawk), so hopefully that will fill in soon. (Thanks for pointing it out, Aunt Whitney!)

We are so proud of our little pebble for growing so well!!

No news on court date. (Thanks for your comment, Theresa, do I dare to even hope??)

This little piggy needs to say "wee wee wee" all the way home, soon!

Happy Weekend.

The things that scare me.

2011-05-10T17:43:00.000-06:00

I don't like things that scare me. I'm scared of spiders. I'm scared of crazy people. I'm scared of enormous excel spreadsheets. Great white sharks. Germs. I'm scared of the dark. (Kinda. Not as much as the spreadsheets.)

The idea that we may have to wait any longer, much less significantly longer than we'd originally thought to get BBS home not only scares me, it literally sickens me. It's the scariest thing I can think of. I would bravely battle all of the above at once to get him home soon, and safely.

Our agency sent notice last week that the group responsible for processing files in Ethiopia has gone from processing between 20-40 files a day, to a maximum of 5 files a day. (Insert dagger in heart.) Yes, I said "20-40" to "5 at the most".

How this will effect us is yet to be seen. Apparently, discussions are underway to determine if it's possible to increase this number, but all of the details are somewhat blurry - why the slowdown, can it be reversed, etc.

Today is week 7, day 50, since we learned about our son. And every, single thing regarding the process of getting him home is out of our control. Every. Thing. After Nepal, I have a distant but nagging fears that this will all slip through our fingers. There's nothing we can do. It's out of our control.

What IS in our control is preparing for him to be with us physically. Emotionally, we must bear the burden, once again, of great uncertainty - and so so gracefully. Spiritually, we already are deep into the process of falling in love with him.

It is my deepest hope that it's ebbs and flows, and that things will soon resolve and begin moving once again, for all involved.

Mom, you were right.

2011-05-08T16:05:00.000-06:00

I do wish I would have kept up with piano lessons. Happy Mother's day, I love you!

And a few more favorite pics with mom.

Hello little dinosaur friends!

2011-05-04T23:26:00.002-06:00

That's what his onesie in his most recent picture says. (I know, because I look at his pictures 20 times a day.) He's bright-eyed and beautiful. He's the most gorgeous shade of brown, and has rosy cheeks and sweet pink lips. He's tiny.

Six weeks yesterday we got news of him. No word on court date, or if his paperwork has even been submitted to the court system to get in line for a court date.

Mommy's heart aches.

This is a problem.

2011-05-03T12:51:00.001-06:00

I have just realized that when we get BBS home I am going to have to forgo both dangling earrings and any cute shoes involving heels for an unknown period of time.

The dangling earrings (90% of my earring wardrobe!) will just be too dangerous. BBS could latch on, and the potential resulting bloodshed is probably not worth the cuteness / fashion statement of said earrings.

The heels (80% of my shoe wardrobe) will be difficult in that when I lean over to pick up or carry BBS, I'll need more stability than heels might offer. The combination of a lack of grace, and a bad lower back do not bode well for me, or BBS for that matter.

I can go with the Danksos and a few pair of flats for a while. The lack of post-type earrings present a larger problem.

So much to figure out!

Blown away.

2011-04-29T16:37:00.001-06:00

I continue to be simply blown away by people.

Early on, I blogged about the kindness of people as we started the adoption process. It continues! The above gifts are from family, co-workers, friends, and even from an amazing woman I've never met, who reads this blog and went through the Nepal process with us. (Yes, she sent us gifts! We've never met. We've never even talked on the phone!) Kindness and goodness surround us, and we are truly blessed.

I'm humbled. (And clearly, based on the majority of gifts being shoes and books, you people know me well!)

It's not over until it begins.

2011-04-26T17:49:00.001-06:00

It's hard to believe it's been more than a month since we learned about Baby Boy Stone. (Ok, 5 weeks, 3 hours and 30 minutes. But who's counting?)

And yes, it's entirely possible to fall in love with a picture. We are fortunate enough to have received 2 great referral pictures with THE phone call. Then, as a total surprise, we got 2 update photos a month later! And I'm not bragging or anything, but he is the cutest baby ever. Seriously. He is. We've already had two marriage requests from friends with babies. Obviously the dowry requirements will be extraordinary :).

I am in complete and total denial about the timeline, and assume/hope all things will work out to get him home in some kind of record time. Any thoughts to the contrary, and I dissolve into an ugly, crying mess within seconds. (Seriously, ask Terry.) In the meantime, the list of to-do's grows exponentially, as do my sleepless nights - up with thoughts about him and all we have to do. I don't often go an hour, hell, 10 minutes, without thinking of him.

It's a strange feeling, having a child half-way around the world with whom you're developing a bond. One you know you'll need to love, nurture, protect and raise to the best of your ability - but who you can't hold in your arms. The most common and very sincere question we get is "Well, why can't you just go get him NOW?" (See aforementioned comment on dissolving into ugly crying mess...)

And of course it's not over until it's over. Or, it's not over until it begins might be a better way to state it. Until his little brown feet touch the ground in the US, I won't be completely at ease with this process.

Super Secret Blog.

2011-04-23T11:48:00.000-06:00

So now it's just a super-secret group who has access to this blog. (And if anyone has been holding out on me and works for or has any affiliation with the Ethiopia Government, the US Government, Joint Council, any adoption agency or even worse, Unicef, now's the time to let me know. Seriously. Please do.)

So I decided to take the blog private after good advice from good friends. We've come SO far, and it would be a shame to run into any problems at this point due to having a public blog! Not that I'd expect that, but it could happen. (Last summer, friends of our walked into the office of the ministry in Nepal and their blog was up on screen. Yep. And that was Nepal - Ethiopia has a much larger and more advanced program and staff.)

A few relatively unexciting updates on the adoption. It's been 1 month yesterday since we were matched with Baby Boy Stone (BBS)! And, alas, we did sign something promising not to share pictures, name, etc., publically, so until we're further in the process all that stuff's still private. And I know some people share this type of information on private blogs, but I'm not there yet. Maybe after we go to court. Whenever that will be.

I got my polio vaccination on Friday, meningitis on Monday. We were surprised about a week ago with updated pictures of BBS. He has gotten cuter, if that's possible! He gained a *tiny* bit of weight and grew about 3cm in length and 1cm in head circumference. Our international adoption doctor commented "He needs to be in a home environment." Uh, DUH.

So there you have it. More cleaning/purging/etc to get ready for BBS this weekend.

Taking blog private.

2011-04-18T14:59:00.001-06:00

In this post-referral world, I'm considering taking my blog private for a while. If you're a frequent reader and would like to be added to the list of private readers, please post a comment with your email address, or email me.
Thanks!

Baby prep: underway!

2011-04-18T11:28:00.000-06:00

Operation baby boy Stone prep is officially underway at Casa Stone!

We have a shared google document started with our ever-expanding list of things to do. I've gotten a few vaccines. (Note to self, schedule one for this week!) I bought the book most recommended to me "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child".

I started cleaning the baby's room this weekend (think: purge!). I really had no idea that it had pretty much become my second closet. It's amazing how much crap one can accumulate in a short period! So I thought that would take a day - it's gonna take more like a week. I need to sell the bookshelves that we have in the baby's room (crate & barrel shelves anyone?) and pack up the books until we can get built-in shelves somewhere in the house. (Anyone in Colorado know of a good, cheap, dependable handy-guy who can build shelves?)

This weekend, Terry designed and built an awesome Trellis for the front of our house. And while this isn't directly baby-related, it's something checked off the list. So, in that sense, it's baby related! And now our clematis have a happy place to grow. :)

Up next: register for baby stuff, continue brutal purge of unnecessary crap we carry with us. (And I'm talking physical, mental and spiritual of course...) And on and on and on...

"Waiting is a state of mind, the usual state of mind. Presence is when you're no longer waiting for the next moment, believing that the next moment will be more fulfilling than this one." - Eckhart Tolle

I know. I know. And I'm working on it. (But I still want him home!)

And then, there are the stairs...

2011-04-13T14:52:00.001-06:00

I am a little overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we want to get done before baby boy Stone comes home. (And, yes, I realize much of this is what we WANT to get done vs what we NEED to get done.) All of this when Terry is working to start a business, and I have an extremely busy time at work with multiple new employees and projects.

So, here's what I think about at night:

Get remaining immunizations!
Finish adoption training courses
Buy crib
Buy bedding
Buy used dresser/gliding chair/etc
Buy stoller and carseat
Visit yard sales for other baby items
Sell existing furniture in baby room
Clean out all "stuff" in baby's room
What to do with all of the books on the bookshelves?
Paint baby's room
Paint mural in baby's room
Get blinds for baby's room reworked (we have them, they don't fit)
Clean our storage room to move china cabinet into
Get new, baby-safe coffee table
Register for showers
Send my wonderful girlfriends who are doing showers, names/dates
Buy deep-freezer
Prepare meals to freeze
Write thank-you's for baby gifts
Add baby to insurance
Daycare??
Read baby books
Read parenting books
Read bi-racial family books
Purge all the junk from the house, since it's a small house, and much new stuff is coming in!
Sleep in as much as possible
Prepare for absense from work
Find pediatrician
Babyproof house
And then, there are the stairs. They'r pretty scary for a toddler. The dog (and even some friends) won't go up them. They go down as well, so it's a 2-story drop from the top stair. Eek.

I would assume this is about half of what we need to do. And yes, I know what you're going to say. "It'll all come together". And I do believe it will. But it still keeps me up at night! In an excited way.

Warning - Annoying New Mother Post

2011-04-10T14:20:00.004-06:00

Don't say you haven't been warned!

So, fair is fair. You listened to me cry and moan for months after Nepal closed. (I still mourn for that child, so I might again.) But NOW, you get to listen to me babble and spew about all things "first-time new mama". Like how I showed his picture to the flight attendant and she ooohed and ahhhed. And how my first purchase, and rightly so, was a pair of shoes for him with little doggies on them. :) And how I went into H+M in Austria and bought THE CUTEST little boy sweater vests and t-shirts! And how I talk to him lots of times a day, and wonder what he's doing.

I need a nickname for baby boy Stone, and FAST! I know I am going to blurt out his name here and not realize it until later. And we're not allowed to post his name or any other private information to public forums. But - I can tell you, it's definitely his name, and we're definitely keeping it. :) And no, it's not Pebble, but maybe that's his nickname? Have I mentioned baby boy Stone is absolutely gorgeous? (Does the blog title make sense now?)

Oh - and, my apologies to all of you who I didn't believe when you said: "It'll make sense when you get your referral...you'll see that your baby found you." Not only did I not believe you; I wanted to chew your head right off your neck. But, ahem,: "you were right". There have been many "coincidences" around baby boy Stone. It's all that stuff that makes me think "Yep, this child really has been headed straight for us, this is our son." I wish I could tell you, but suffice to say I am quite amazed and moved. Have I mentioned this is the cutest baby boy ever?

I picked up a stone for him on the banks of the Salzach river today. It's in the shape of a heart.

Mama's takin' a road trip.

2011-04-08T03:03:00.000-06:00

I love a good road trip!

I figure it might be the last chance for a road trip for quite a while, so I'm all over it! I'm headed out of Regensburg Germany today to drive south, through the mountains of Bavaria, to Salzburg for the weekend. Such a beautiful city - I'm excited to see it again.

The original plan was a weekend in Prague, but that plan changed for a number of reasons that just aren't very interesting. And I'm actually quite excited to be driving to Salzburg rather than taking a train to Prague - all the little Bavarian villages and beautiful scenery to behold on MY schedule. My zippy BMW rental car is gassed up, I have sandwiches and cold apple juice ready! (There is something about a sticker for my windshield I must figure out before crossing into Austria...I already have a few outstanding parking tickets from my last trip here, so must not risk anything else lest I end up in a Bavarian jail :) )

Since everyone's telling us to "get sleeping in, movies, road trips or anything spontaneous" out of our systems before the wee-one comes home, I feel completely justified in taking this little holiday. Plus it's my 42nd birthday weekend. :) This is a dangerous combination - feeling justified to have adventure and to buy baby things while in Europe.

I only wish my hubby were along to share in the fun.

There's waiting...then there's waiting.

2011-04-06T08:25:00.001-06:00

So I thought waiting before the referral was hard! What the heck was I moaning about? (I joke!) But the BR (before referral) and PR (post-referral) waiting are really, really different.

“BR” waiting was like hanging on by a thread. It was “will we be parents or not”? It felt very black or white. Yes or no. Call or no call. Baby or no baby. Parents or not parents. It was ungrounded, whiplash, roller coaster kind of wait. Total scattered craziness, in short.

“PR” waiting is more like climbing up a rope. Rather than just hanging on and hoping the thread doesn’t break again, now I have to climb. It takes more strength and focus. It’s less craziness; more deep heartache and intense protectiveness.

By some miracle, he is now part of me and will always be. I am starting to feel like a mommy. (Me? Of all people!) It’s subtle and profound at the same time. I have a picture, a name, a baby. I need to hold him, love him, talk to him, look in his eyes, to take care of him…to make sure he’s OK.

I attempt to span the distance between him and me, between now and then, with learning to be a mommy; with preparing to be a parent. All the while knowing that the waiting (the worry) will never end, it will just change over the years.

How can it POSSIBLY take 13 hours to get from Munich to Addis??

2011-03-31T18:22:00.001-06:00

I'm going to Germany for business this weekend, and I'll be there for 10 days. So I'm thinking to myself "I'll fly to Addis next weekend and see our baby!" (I mean, how far can it be...a 5-6 hour flight, just over the Mediterranean sea, right?) NO! The shortest flight route including layovers, is 12 hours and 45 minutes!! That seems SO unfair! I mean, I'll be half way to my baby, but I'm still 13 hours (not including drive to airport, etc) away! This bums me out.

So a few of you asked the details on THE CALL. Here it is. (I will never, for as long as I live, forget it - biggest surprise of my life.)

It was a little more than a week ago. I was in my office working on goals with one of my employees, Lisa. (Who, it just so happens, I was with when I found out Nepal had shut down.) My cell phone rang. Since I can't focus on one thing at a time, I look down at my phone. I should be focusing on Lisa and goals! But I notice that the area code is 503 - where our agency is. (Our agency has a policy that once your paperwork is accepted in Ethiopia they won't call you until THE CALL so you don't have to see the caller ID and wonder.) So in a quarter of a second I think "Hmmm... that's agency area code, I should be focusing on Lisa's goals, it must be a sales call or vendor call, but wait - that actually looks like the agency phone number, not just the area code, but why would they be calling me? This is weird. I think I'll just check real quick". Seriously - a quarter of a second - maybe a half, to process all of that. I look at Lisa and say: "This might be the agency, I think I should take it." She nods, I'm sure just a tiny bit frustrated with my inability to focus.

**Keep in mind we're not expecting THE CALL until late summer, if ever (see last 24 posts...) I didn't think we'd get THE CALL, so was moving on with my "Career Girl" plans.

Back to the story - so I say "Hi, this is Anne."And our agency rep said "Hi Anne, this is Julie", (Instantly, by the tone of her voice, I knew) "we need to get Terry on the phone." I started crying (hard). I looked at Lisa, Lisa somehow knows already and is crying. I said, through hyper-ventilating sobs: "Are (sob) you calling (sob) to tell me we (sob) have a referral?" And she said "I am!" I start crying harder, Lisa does too. Julie disconnects me to get Terry on the phone. Lisa steps out.

I put my head on my desk and cry a loud, ugly cry, hoping no one outside of my office can hear/see me. Both Julie and I are trying to get a hold of Terry, who I finally get on the phone (within 3-4 minutes which felt like 15 minutes) and blurt out: "We (sob) have (sob) a (sob) referral!" He's like "Whaat??" I repeat myself "We (sob) have (sob) a (sob) referral, CALL JULIE!! Call me back!" (Because there is NO WAY I can dial the phone right now.) He says "Oh shit!" and hangs up. I wait for what seems like eons and we're finally all on the phone. She says "What do you want to know?" And I said "Everything!" And then we learned we have a beautiful son. Terry remained on the call, I hung up after hearing name/age/sex (who hangs up on their referral call??) I had to get home. I couldn't remember my boss's name to call him and tell him I had to leave. I went and hugged Lisa, who know has the important place in our history as being the second person in the world to find out we had a baby, even before Terry. (LIsa, I am so glad it was you in my office!) And I left the office still in a very ugly cry, I mean a sobbing, primal cry (thank God I somehow slipped past everyone!) to go home to my husband, my dog and my baby son.

It was awesome. I tear up every time I tell the story. I know. Lots of crying mentioned here. That's just how it was.

Oh. How. Wonderful. To. Get. THE CALL.

O M G ! ! ! ! ! ! !

2011-03-29T20:21:00.001-06:00

Yes, we got THE CALL. The call I have been fantasizing about for more than two years. The call I wondered where I'd be when it came, the call I wondered how I'd feel when it came, the call I wondered with whom I'd be with when it came. The call that held the answers I was dying to know. The call I never knew for sure if I'd get...the call to tell us that we have a referral. The call to tell me that I'm a mommy.

He's not quite a year old. He's perfect. He's gorgeous. I'm falling more in love every day.

Thank you for your prayers, your thoughts, your wishes, your good energy, your meditations. I am once again humbled by the kindness and generosity of people. While I'm spiritual by nature, I'm not an overly-religious person. But today I can say, with total and absolute certainty: "God has heard."

Now, to get this precious pebble home so he can become a Stone. Everything has changed. Every. Little. Thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Know that we cannot share his name, photo, age, or any identifying information. If you are family member or close friend, please be careful not to post any of the aforementioned information in comments here or in any other forum.)

And finally, while I am overflowing with joy and happiness, I have compassion for those who are still waiting, or who have waited longer, or been through country closures. Those who have circumstances and a journey different that ours. I reserve a space in my heart to hold you. Know that I know a pain similar to yours. And I hope your day is soon.

Now for something completely different. (Because I have, literally, nothing else to say about adoption).

2011-03-21T21:02:00.004-06:00

I've been in Colorado since 1995. I love it here. We're only in the foothills - we're not true mountain-folk. We're kinda "wannabe" mountain folk. Or I am - I'll speak for myself. I think I'd really love to move to Bozeman, MT. Or someplace even more mountain. With less pollen, preferably.

So three years ago it was a rattlesnake ready to strike. Two years ago I had three separate bear sightings. Last year we saw two bull moose. This year it was a mountain lion and two cubs (and some of their hunting aftermath). Oh - and a herd of wild turkeys. And that's just the short list.

Now we've got a wildfire burning 2 miles from our house. We're safe - it would take really extraordinary events for us to be evacuated - but I am getting prepared anyway. That's just how I roll. I documented my shoe shelves first thing this morning (One must take nothing for granted!) and have started our fire/flood emergency list. Oh, and I've already called the animal shelter to see if they need anything (not yet), photographed the fire from the adjacent mountain, and twittered the mayor and the city to see if they need volunteers (no respone yet).

I think my next job is in crisis or emergency management. Maybe working for FEMA. (My husband calls me rescue ranger.) I'm not kidding. Or wildlife management. Yeah.

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm from Missouri.

2011-03-20T21:54:00.003-06:00

Word on the street, and from many of our adoption friends and contacts, is that things in Ethiopia aren't as bad as we'd initially feared. I'm not quite ready to say that the crisis is averted, but I'm feeling more comfortable than I was two weeks ago. (Of course, I'll believe it when we get the call.)

To be more specific, it seems adoptions in Ethiopia haven't, for the most part, slowed as much as we'd feared. Let's hope the trend continues! (And, Ms. Sticky Mango Feet, fingers and toes crossed that your time is really, really soon.)

I took some time today to read through a few of my blog posts from around two years ago. I was a little surprised at how positive, how excited and how enthusiastic I was. I mean, I remember being that way... I do. I remember thinking about taking our baby to the zoo and Halloween costumes and planning our trip to Nepal to meet our child and all that stuff. I really saw us with our child. I liked that part of me. I guess I'd just forgotten about that part of me. I remember, but I forgot. Make sense? Yea, didn't think so.

I don't think about that stuff anymore. I don't have that excited "I'm gonna be a mommy" feeling. It seems so far away. That feeling, I mean. The baby doesn't seem just far away - it seems unimaginable. (I'm sorry, baby.) I hope it comes back, that feeling. But right now it's just waaay to dangerous.

But I kid myself because I'm still very much in the game, just viewing from the sidelines. Somehow it feels safer. It's not. Who am I kidding?

Hi Universe! We're still here!

2011-03-15T23:01:00.002-06:00

803 days.

2 years + 2 months +14 days + 23 hours.

(Just sayin'...)

Déjà vu... all over again

2011-03-10T19:10:00.005-07:00

I seem to remember posting a lot about "unknowing" during the Nepal adoption process. Hmmm...

We had a talk with our agency today. They're really great people. And while we don't know anything new per se... the situation *may* not be as bad as some of the reports are making it out to be.

While I'm probably the worst person to attempt to articulate the situation, I will give it a try. Basically, last week the Ethiopian Ministry of Women’s, Children's, and Youth Affairs announced their intention to reduce intercountry adoptions by 90% beginning March 10, 2011. The reasons for this announcement are varied. The response by many organizations has been varied, as well.

Right now it appears that some of the Ministry have been terminated (potentially based on the announcement they made to reduce adoptions by 90%). Different organizations have diverse opinions on what will actually happen with the process from here. 90% could be a worst-case-scenario. Some say that historically Ethiopia has always done what is in "the best interest of the children/orphans", and this that decision does not appear to be in their best interest. We are hearing that Ethiopia is working on the situation and that we may hear more about this 90% number in the next week.

You'll note that I'm using very non-specific language (maybe, potentially, varied, diverse, etc.). The fact is - we're all in a place of un-knowing about the future of adoption in Ethiopia, and in our lives. Much like Nepal, Ethiopia is a very different world and culture than we're used to in the US. They make decisions and work through processes in very different timeframes and with different priorities.

The unknowing is a different flavor this time around. With Nepal, there were weeks/months of no communication whatsoever. With Ethiopia, we seem to be getting a bit more information. With Nepal, we had a strong feeling the US was preparing to shut down the country and, combined with the political unrest in the region, the situation was absolutely hellish. While we hear of potential/desired shutdown of Ethiopia, it doesn't have the same feeling as Nepal. And the political climate of Ethiopia certainly is different than that of Nepal. So there's unknowing for sure, again. But a different kind. But then again, if it felt the same, it wouldn't be unknowing, it would be knowing, wouldn't it?

Here's what I DO know: without a doubt, things will slow down. It's a matter of how much, and what happens from there.

Glue.

2011-03-09T20:46:00.008-07:00

For 2 days, since the suggestion that adoptions in Ethiopia will be cut by 90%, I have felt like someone has been standing on my chest. I can't breathe. I can't sleep. My heart hurts - I mean, it physically hurts. Today in particular, I am having the hardest day I've had since August 6th. I am terrified of losing another child. Most days I keep the fear at bay - today it is my constant shadow - waiting to swallow me if I drop my guard for one second. I'm not tough right now. I'm on the verge of breaking into a million pieces.

But then you helped me. I got home to find a card from some friends telling us that we're in their thoughts, and to hold onto hope. They lost a child in Nepal, too. These people (who we really hardly know) took the time to write a note, address it, stamp it, put it in the mail - and while in their own very hard place - they let us know we were in their thoughts.

This card, supportive comments on this blog from people I know and love, and people I've never met, phone calls, texts and check-ins at the office; my mom and dad, my husband: you're holding me together. Thank you.

Namaste.

PS - I do regret that I sound so darn emotional lately. I'll try to work up a really positive or maybe a funny post. Or at least link to someone else's that will make you laugh.

I really need you for less than a minute.

2011-03-08T17:23:00.003-07:00

There is a recent movement to reduce inter-country in Ethiopia adoptions by 90%. This move would potentially eliminate our chance to bring home a child from Ethiopia, and put us in the rare company of couples who have had 2 international adoptions fail. (While I am sure the company is wonderful, I don't want to be in that club. It's the new adoptive parents' club I'm shooting for...)

Please, please sign this petition, send to your friends & family and post to FaceBook. It'll take you less than a minute or so to do all 3. And it's very much appreciated.

Petition to the Prime Minister of Ethiopia, Meles Zenawi: http://www.gopetition.com/petition/43714.html

Oh - and any and all prayers, meditations, thoughts, good energy, etc, is welcomed and appreciated too. :)

Which is harder?

2011-03-04T18:03:00.003-07:00

...adjusting to becoming parents, or adjusting to not becoming parents?

More rumors from Ethiopia that they're drastically reducing the number of foreign adoptions. Some sources are saying "by 90%". As a matter of course, I don't look at Ethiopia adoption news - but this little tidbit got through. Dammit. Our agency is "looking into matters".

Is it possible that we're just not going to become parents? Entirely. I'm not being negative, just realistic. I mean, this is our last shot, financially and emotionally.

Incidentally, I thought I had totally separated myself from this adoption - disconnected myself from it - so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain if it took the "Nepal" course. I was proud of how well I was doing not thinking about "when we get the baby," and instead focusing on "work, career and travel". Well, clearly I was wrong. I am not disconnected. I am scared, I am sick to my stomach, my heart hurts. I guess it's good to know that I still have a heart.

If I let myself, I'd be swallowed by sadness that I thought I'd hidden too far away to find me. Work, career, travel. Work, career, travel. Work, career, travel...

Bittersweet.

2011-02-22T22:01:00.001-07:00

We went to a potluck with our Nepal group on Saturday. Another family has gotten their child home, and the final family in the group is now headed to Nepal to bring their child home.

The brood has certainly expanded since I sent the first email invitation nearly 2 years ago to get these people, once strangers, together for a meal. And neater, more real people we've rarely met. There were lots of kiddos - including 2 - soon to be 3 from Nepal. Also represented were China, USA and Kaz. And I was struck by how gorgeous all these kids were - all these different shades of skin, hair and eyes.

Looking at these beautiful kids run and scream with joy and play together nearly did me in. (I think I went outside 6 times in the first hour and dug my fingernails into my arm to keep from what would surely be a very ugly cry. I still have marks.) I mean - I am talking every single one of these kids is just absolutely beautiful and perfect - including the youngest member, a sweet shiny-new biological baby girl on her first outing.

So yeah - it tore my heart to pieces. But I did the best I could to feel happiness that these children had found such great families, and these families had been blessed with such beautiful children. I didn't allow myself to focus on "why not us". I just shut it all out, just for now, and let it be about them.

Namaste.

I Hate Valentine's Day. But I Love...

2011-02-15T22:00:00.001-07:00

My husband
Jackson, our pup
Mom & dad, mom & dad in-law, my sister, my brother and my sisters in-law and brother in-law
My nieces & nephews
Other family
Our friends
Colorado
The way my husband is looking at me in this picture
The blue light of the moon on the snow
My Kindle
My new shoes from Anthropologie
Any other new shoes that I may or may not have
Our house
Storms - big scary ones
That I get to travel to Europe for work
Travel, period!
The wind
Brownies (albeit a lost love...)
My grandmother's dresser
Howling with Jackson
Coming across a moose, bear, mountain lions or even a deer on a hike
Any hiking!
Exploring slot canyons in Utah
When my skinny jeans fit (see #18)
A certain hammock in Costa Rica
The ocean
My job (at least a very deep "like"!)
Big snowstorms
Upgrades to first class
Big old live oak trees
My grandpa's diary
The lights we bought in Italy
Flowers - any and all
The Muppets
Clean floors
MAC Longlast lipstick
Old family pictures
Tide pools
The Cadbury's Caramel Chocolate bars you can only get in London
Surpises

Apologies.

2011-02-12T13:02:00.004-07:00

I have been made aware - by many people - that the last blog I wrote was oozing in negativity and self-pity, and more sadly, it was hurtful to friends. On a very dark day, in a very reactive manner, from a miserable place, I wrote. From that place I have spoken recently, as well.

Throughout the adoption process this blog has been a bit like therapy - I'm not sure why the public posting of intimate feelings, fears and joy should be theraputic, but somehow it has been. I think about the psychology behind this often. I wonder at the differences between bloggers who reveal their intermost experiences, and those who can't percieve of sharing their lives and thoughts in a forum such as this or at all. But that's another topic.

This blog has been a reflection of my relationship with our adoption process. A mirror. Early on, the blog reflects my excitement, enthusiasm and naivety. As the years pass, "From a Pebble to a Stone" echos my disappointment, negativity and increasing detachment towards the process. For reasons I can't put my finger on, negativity has been the default path for me. It's not the path I chose to take from here.

I apologize, sincerely, to those I have hurt or offended along the way.

And, to those who have weathered and had the strength to point out my wrong turns and tangents (and even sometimes give me the benefit of the doubt - which I probably don't deserve) thank you. You help me grow. You have my respect and deep gratitude.

In-country!

2011-01-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

Copy & paste from the DHL Website:
Arrived at Delivery Facility in ADDIS ABABA - ETHIOPIA
!!!

Layover in Europe

2011-01-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

Our dossier sits in Leipzig, Germany. It's probably just one flight away from Ethiopia. Safe travels, dossier. Our dreams of a family are riding on you.

Cincinnati ? ? ?

2011-01-02T14:19:00.004-07:00

Yup. In 4 days, our dossier has made it an astounding 2,236 miles from Bend, Oregon to Cincinnati, Ohio. Hell, we could have driven it there ourselves in half the time. Perhaps we checked the "slow as a turtle with three broken feet" option, vs the 2 or 3-day options provided by DHL?

Refresh,refresh,refresh,refresh,refresh,refresh,refresh,refresh,refresh,refresh,...repeat.

2010-12-31T16:28:00.003-07:00

Anne on the DHL Website. Still in Oregon.

God Speed!

2010-12-30T13:12:00.001-07:00

Our dossier is en-route to Ethiopia as of 12:15pm, MST

December 30, 2010

(From our hands, to God's...)

Happy New Year & Namaste!

Happiness.

2010-12-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."

~Prince Gautama Siddharta