Going Dark.

I'm considering taking this blog private. If you'd like to be invited to view, please send an email to amcstone@gmail.com with your email address. Thank you, and Namaste.

This place of "unknowing".

The longer I’m on this planet, the more familiar I become with this place of “unknowing”. But, while unknowing has become more familiar, it’s not any more comfortable. And I certainly have not grown to like it. (And believe me, I’ve had  p  l  e  n  t  y.)

A main concept of Buddhism is that the cause of human suffering is grasping – or desiring. In the Christian religion it is recognized that human happiness is temporary and dependent. It lasts only as long as the thing that provides the happiness.

I’m no expert, but it seems to me that we could allow this place of not knowing what’s happening in Nepal or with our child overshadow everything else in our lives. We could overlook the happiness and goodness that we DO have in our lives by focusing on what we don’t yet have in our lives. And yep, some days I do just that…I get pretty focused on our baby-to-be.

But every once in a while I attempt to focus on what IS right now, rather than what we want or desire right now. Maybe just a minute a day. Maybe sometimes more. Sometimes less. But, as far as I can tell, this is about the only power I have in this whole process, so I might as well use it.

So, right now, we have each other and our sweet dog, we have our families and our friends. We have a beautiful home in a beautiful place. And we have the great new friends we've met through this process. I don't know what we'll have tomorrow or next month. I only know what we have right now, which is all we every really have anyway, isn't it?

Namaste for now.

Saturday minus one.

It's been a nice Saturday. We had breakfast with friends, then got the dog (Jackson) and went on a great hike. It was sunny and beautiful out, with just enough snow for Jackson to play in. It would have been really nice to have a little one along to complete our family.

Maybe it is because it's been a year since we started this process, maybe it's because we passed a few couples with dogs and small children on the hike, but I'm really missing our baby today. How can you miss something you don't have? I'm not sure - but we both do. 

For the past few months, I've tried to put the adoption situation out of my mind with varying degrees of success. It seems, lately, to be coming into my head, and my heart, much more often. There is space in our lives and our hearts for this child. It's getting closer, I know it.

Namaste.

A Whole Year. And Thicker Skin.

Well, we've been at this for a year now. The adoption process, that is. We both thought we'd be traveling to Nepal over the holidays in 2009, and be home in early 2010 with our baby. That was based on not only our gut feelings, but on expectations that were set for us.

Although we were prepared for a wait, and had been advised of the risks involved with international adoption, I don't think either of us would have expected this last year to be what it has been. The news and movement has been so little - that we can't help but be a bit down and saddened. While we've put the day when we'll meet our baby out of our immediate minds (not buying baby things, preparing the room, nor talking much about it), I don't think an hour goes by when I don't think of it.

But, in my life I've seen things happen that I never would have expected, nor did I see coming. We are where we are - and that is in complete and total unknowing. And I can't help but wonder what's in store for us. I sure hope it's a family... but that seems so incredibly far away right now.

Namaste.

When all else fails...a tropical vacation is in order.

Well, I have to admit...when we started this blog...and we started our journey to international adoption 334 days ago, we thought we'd be in an entirely different place by now. Literally and figuratively.  We thought we'd be packing for a trip to Nepal over the holidays this year. (Sadly, I have continued to use the idea that we'd be in Nepal over the holidays to avoid Christmas shopping...) 

Well, we're packing, but not for Nepal. We've decided to take a trip to Costa Rica to celebrate our 5-year anniversary. (If we haven't recieved word by April, which obviously I hope isn't the case, I'm hankering for a rafting trip through the Grand Canyon.) Don't get me wrong - I'd trade it all in to go meet our baby! But, we're also not going to stop living. It will happen. And it will happen in the right time. And in the mean time, we're going to Costa Rica. Hasta luego.

Our thoughts are with the people of Nepal during this turbulent time.

Namaste for now.

I'll be back...

I haven't forgotten about my beloved blog! (Although I think this is the longest I've gone without posting since I started it.) We've got lots going on and, quite frankly, its left me with less time to get creative about blogging about nothing. I'll be back soon though with something. 
The situation is still chaotic with the government in Nepal. And we are still waiting.  
In the meantime, namaste to all. And our hearts are with those of you who have your referrals and are awaiting your notice to travel in this time of uncertainty.

Risky business and a very complicated pregnancy.

It's an extremely risky proposition: hoping to bring home a baby from a 3rd world county, half-way around the world that has a new and very unstable government, and a brand-new adoption program. Add to that a political crisis with daily protests, frequent blockades, governmental shutdowns and a capitol city that runs on 4 hours of electricity a day.

I'm not so arrogant as to say I have a strong grasp, or even a weak grasp of the political situation in Nepal. Quite the opposite...I hardly feel capable to even give an overview to those of you following our process. Suffice to say, the political situation in Nepal is very tenious and while we're told the adoption process is continuing, we have not seen or heard of progress in weeks.

When I think of all the Nepalese people have gone through and are going through with civil wars and governmental change, I can't help but feel selfish for wanting them to "fix" everything so we can have our baby. But part of it is also compassion I feel for the orphans who are helping pay the price for the political instability. While the rulers of the country, and those who want to rule the country, battle - the babies and children without families grow up in orphanages, instead of loving homes.

Many have asked us "Why don't you just go to another country?", "Why don't you just adopt domestically?", "Why don't you just have a biological child?". (Such personal questions, I sometimes flinch.) While I can't explain it, my sense is that this is our path. And I would no sooner walk away from Nepal now than I would walk away from a pregnancy that just wasn't going the way we expected.

Namaste for now.