Tuesday, September 28, 2010

People say the darndest things...

Ever wonder what to say and what not to say to friends who are adopting? Here’s a good list:"Single Laughing Dad's Guide to Adoption Etiquette". This list is copied and pasted directly from this blog: Single Daddy Laughing. And, yes, he has been asked more than once "how much he paid for his son." **Warning - this is not politically correct.**

Single Dad Laughing's Guide to Adoption Etiquette:
1. Never, ever, ever, ask how much a child costs. This includes the phrase, "how much did you pay for him?" First of all, it's none of your business. Second of all, if you're interested in adoption, research it through the appropriate channels. Speak with an adoption agency. Adoptive parents don't purchase children. They simply pay legal fees and agency fees. Just like biological parents pay hospital and doctor bills. Don't turn the child into nothing more than a commodity.
2. Never ask if a celebrity inspired the adoption. Believe it or not, Tom Cruise, Connie Chung, and Angelina Jolie did not convince me one way or the other in the biggest decision of my life. Are you serious?
3. Never ask "where is his real dad?" Forget the fact that it will hurt my feelings. How do you think it will affect my son's feelings to feel like I'm not a real dad to him? Adoptive parents are real parents. The term you're looking for is "birth mother" or "birth father".
4. Don't say things like, "as soon as you adopt you're going to get pregnant" when you find out somebody is adopting. First of all, there are usually many, many years of pain and financial burden strapped to infertility, treatments, and heartache. Do you really think that what you're saying will help them? Secondly, while it is funny when it happens, it's rare.
5. Never say, "why did she give him away?" Do I really need to explain why this one would hurt a child? The proper term is "placed". A birth mother and birth father place their child for adoption. And again, it's personal and none of your business, so don't ask if you aren't my BFF.
6. Don't say, "it's like he's your real son". This is similar to number three, but worthy of mentioning. He is my real son, damn it.
7. Don't say, "do you love him as if he was your own?" Ummm... probably more than you love your little terror, that's for sure. And again... he is my own, damn it.
8. Never say things like, "you're so wonderful to adopt a child". I am a parent. Just like anybody else with kids.
9. Don't start spewing your horrible adoption stories. "This one time, my friend's sister's aunt's dog's previous owner's niece adopted a baby and the real dad came back and they took the baby away after they had him for two years." First of all, it probably isn't true. Second of all, how would you feel if I told you about all the ways you could lose your child. Adoption is permanent. And in the extremely rare circumstances that something like that happens, it's not something you should spread because the hurt that exists for all the parties involved must be immeasurable.
10. Don't say things like, "is it hard for him to be adopted?" Well, it wasn't, until you asked me that right in front of him you freaking idiot.
11. I don't want to hear about your second cousin who was on a waiting list for twelve years and never got a baby. Granted, this one was much more annoying when we were going through the adoption process. Nobody wants to know that some people never get chosen. Show some kindness. Even to ugly people.

We've experienced many of these, and also:
• How much money did you lose when Nepal closed?
• Can't you just do in vitro?
• What will your child look like?
• What religion will it be?
And my personal favorite:
• Just take one of our kids for a while (Really? Seriously. Really?)

I guess mentioning you're in the process of adopting - or having a child that doesn't look you - is similar to when a woman's pregnant belly becomes public property. People just get in your business and sometimes they're just not very smart/thoughtful. But then again - you don't have to be pregnant/adopting or have a child that doesn't look like you for people to say stupid sh*t to you!

But, here's the good news: our community rocks. We are fortunate to have amazing friends and family who love us and support us all the way. And we love and appreciate them. And – more often than not – when people find out we are in the process of adoption, they go out of their way to help us. (I’ve blogged about the amazing kindness of people a few times … Apparently I’m just surly today!)


If you're an adoptive parent/hopeful adoptive parent - what's the worst/strangest question you've ever gotten?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Fall (as in Autumn, not I can't get up...)

Fall begins tomorrow - although to look out the window it has come in a day early. It's heavenly in Colorado in September and October. It's harvest season - and while our harvest this year is a bit light (tomatoes, grapes, hopefully beets and we think one carrot), at least we're eating some homegrown food. This fall I'm looking forward to a trip to Germany, cooking soups, chili and stews (the only real cooking I do, and only in fall/winter!), long hikes, beautiful cool days, a bear sighting (if the last 3 years are any indication), and hoping that NEXT fall we have a little one to take on hikes and dress as a pumpkin, princess or batman on Halloween.

So: Happy Autumn! Here's to OktoberFest,  winter squash, chard, fleece jackets, chili, early snowstorms, new boots, little ghouls and ghosts and falling leaves of all colors.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

"On Children"

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

~Khalil Gibran

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

September 11, 2004

I would do it again, and again, and again!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Bats, family & waterslides. (Not in that order.)

Just got back from a visit to see my family for my dad's 70th. We had a great time. My nieces and nephews are so beautiful and fun. They say the funniest things - they had us cracking up the entire time. What a blessing to be able to get the whole family together.

The highlights of the trip were a day at the lake with the Sea-Doo, hiking in the hill country, nursing a baby dove back to health, seeing 3 million bats fly out of tunnel cave at dusk, waterslides and of course - way too much food.

A few months ago we hesitated to purchase flights - as we were just sure we'd be on our way around the world to meet our child. It felt strange to not have kids and sort of sad. Can't shake that sadness from the closure of the "country that shall not be named". Of course now it's turned into flat-out pissedoffedness.

Namaste.