Bittersweet.

We went to a potluck with our Nepal group on Saturday. Another family has gotten their child home, and the final family in the group is now headed to Nepal to bring their child home.

The brood has certainly expanded since I sent the first email invitation nearly 2 years ago to get these people, once strangers, together for a meal. And neater, more real people we've rarely met. There were lots of kiddos - including 2 - soon to be 3 from Nepal. Also represented were China, USA and Kaz. And I was struck by how gorgeous all these kids were - all these different shades of skin, hair and eyes.

Looking at these beautiful kids run and scream with joy and play together nearly did me in. (I think I went outside 6 times in the first hour and dug my fingernails into my arm to keep from what would surely be a very ugly cry. I still have marks.) I mean - I am talking every single one of these kids is just absolutely beautiful and perfect - including the youngest member, a sweet shiny-new biological baby girl on her first outing.

So yeah - it tore my heart to pieces. But I did the best I could to feel happiness that these children had found such great families, and these families had been blessed with such beautiful children. I didn't allow myself to focus on "why not us". I just shut it all out, just for now, and let it be about them.

Namaste.

I Hate Valentine's Day. But I Love...

1. My husband
2. Jackson, our pup
3. Mom & dad, mom & dad in-law, my sister, my brother and my sisters in-law and brother in-law
4. My nieces & nephews
5. Other family
6. Our friends
7. Colorado
8. The way my husband is looking at me in this picture
9. The blue light of the moon on the snow
10. My Kindle
11. My new shoes from Anthropologie
12. Any other new shoes that I may or may not have
13. Our house
14. Storms - big scary ones
15. That I get to travel to Europe for work
16. Travel, period!
17. The wind
18. Brownies (albeit a lost love...)
19. My grandmother's dresser
20. Howling with Jackson
21. Coming across a moose, bear, mountain lions or even a deer on a hike
22. Any hiking!
23. Exploring slot canyons in Utah
24. When my skinny jeans fit (see #18)
25. A certain hammock in Costa Rica
26. The ocean
27. My job (at least a very deep "like"!)
28. Big snowstorms
29. Upgrades to first class
30. Big old live oak trees
31. My grandpa's diary
32. The lights we bought in Italy
33. Flowers - any and all
34. The Muppets
35. Clean floors
36. MAC Longlast lipstick
37. Old family pictures
38. Tide pools
39. The Cadbury's Caramel Chocolate bars you can only get in London
40. Surpises

Apologies.

I have been made aware - by many people - that the last blog I wrote was oozing in negativity and self-pity, and more sadly, it was hurtful to friends. On a very dark day, in a very reactive manner, from a miserable place, I wrote. From that place I have spoken recently, as well.

Throughout the adoption process this blog has been a bit like therapy - I'm not sure why the public posting of intimate feelings, fears and joy should be theraputic, but somehow it has been. I think about the psychology behind this often. I wonder at the differences between bloggers who reveal their intermost experiences, and those who can't percieve of sharing their lives and thoughts in a forum such as this or at all. But that's another topic.

This blog has been a reflection of my relationship with our adoption process. A mirror. Early on, the blog reflects my excitement, enthusiasm and naivety. As the years pass, "From a Pebble to a Stone" echos my disappointment, negativity and increasing detachment towards the process. For reasons I can't put my finger on, negativity has been the default path for me. It's not the path I chose to take from here.

I apologize, sincerely, to those I have hurt or offended along the way.

And, to those who have weathered and had the strength to point out my wrong turns and tangents (and even sometimes give me the benefit of the doubt - which I probably don't deserve) thank you. You help me grow. You have my respect and deep gratitude.