I feel guilty for what I'm about to write. I'll probably end up deleting it.
Yes, we went through a lot have a family. More than most, not as much as some. And...
It's hard. And I feel like I can't share the hard parts, because I've been met with comments that indicate I should just be happy that we have such an amazing son because, after all, isn't this what we wanted for so long and we worked so long to have?
Lots of things are true. We really worked hard for more than 3 years to have a child. He's amazing and we're incredibly blessed. And, this is hard.
Our little dude is having a rough time. He's terrified of so much all of the sudden - loud noises, people, the dark...and many things he can't name. He's also testing boundaries, saying "no" to nearly everything, and having many temper tantrums many times daily. He's throwing, yelling, screaming, testing, hitting, whining, screaming. A lot. The defiance is really shredding me to pieces. He's still our amazing funny, silly little guy - but more often than not right now it's like a monster has taken him over.
We went to a BBQ tonight with some good friends who also have kids from Ethiopia. Sam has seen these kids and people many times, and been to this house - although not in a few months. We talked about the BBQ all day. He was excited to see friends and new toys. We got there and he screamed bloody murder about everything. Didn't want to go outside, didn't want to stay inside, didn't want to see the kids, didn't want to be held, wanted daddy then wanted mama. He saw an older boy that he has seen multiple times before (and who is a doll) and came running to me - screaming - then said "I don't like him." He fussed about his food, he ignored everything I told or asked him to do, resulting in him falling out of his chair and banging his head pretty good. (Fortunately, these were people who have adopted as well, so they understand the big emotions that any kids - sometimes especially adopted kids - have, and I got great support from the other parents.)
Sam finally came over and got into my lap and said "I'm scared. Go to our house."We had already decided it was time to cut our losses - but it was very interesting to me that Sam was able to a.) express that he was afraid and 2.) ask to go home - he usually cries when we do go home! We have only seen him this completely dis-regulated one other time, just last week when my parents arrived for a visit. It was a nightmare - I was so embarrassed. Of course my parents are the best and they were supportive - but I know they didn't want to be around him because he was just so hard and having tantrums about every little thing. That's a horrible feeling. You want your parents to adore your kids. At least I do.
So yes, I get it - these are things that shouldn't be shocking to me knowing Sam's past. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this is probably not completely out of the ordinary for someone with his background. He's having trouble with transition, he's feeling strong emotions and can't regulate, new situations scare him a lot more than usual at this age. We've alway's said he's exceptionally willful, stubborn and 2 & 1/2 on top of the adoption-related stuff. I get all that.
And, despite that, it's still fricking hard and frustrating and exhausting. And I feel like I'm failing because I'm not the Zen mama I wish I could be. I go to sleep every night wishing I was a better mother, certain I am a horrible one. promising that tomorrow I won't lose my temper or get frustrated with his intensity. And nearly every day I fail. I look at other mothers who all seem so much more nurturing than me, and I have yet to see a child even close to as intense and emotional as Sam is.
We'll find some more adoption-related resources for support. I'll reach out to other moms. I'll remind myself that Sam needs me now more than ever, even if he can't say or show it. So, I'll go do what I've often done since he came home, and pull him out of the crib and rock him on my chest, hoping somehow he knows mama's here. And tomorrow's another day.
Yes, we went through a lot have a family. More than most, not as much as some. And...
It's hard. And I feel like I can't share the hard parts, because I've been met with comments that indicate I should just be happy that we have such an amazing son because, after all, isn't this what we wanted for so long and we worked so long to have?
Lots of things are true. We really worked hard for more than 3 years to have a child. He's amazing and we're incredibly blessed. And, this is hard.
Our little dude is having a rough time. He's terrified of so much all of the sudden - loud noises, people, the dark...and many things he can't name. He's also testing boundaries, saying "no" to nearly everything, and having many temper tantrums many times daily. He's throwing, yelling, screaming, testing, hitting, whining, screaming. A lot. The defiance is really shredding me to pieces. He's still our amazing funny, silly little guy - but more often than not right now it's like a monster has taken him over.
We went to a BBQ tonight with some good friends who also have kids from Ethiopia. Sam has seen these kids and people many times, and been to this house - although not in a few months. We talked about the BBQ all day. He was excited to see friends and new toys. We got there and he screamed bloody murder about everything. Didn't want to go outside, didn't want to stay inside, didn't want to see the kids, didn't want to be held, wanted daddy then wanted mama. He saw an older boy that he has seen multiple times before (and who is a doll) and came running to me - screaming - then said "I don't like him." He fussed about his food, he ignored everything I told or asked him to do, resulting in him falling out of his chair and banging his head pretty good. (Fortunately, these were people who have adopted as well, so they understand the big emotions that any kids - sometimes especially adopted kids - have, and I got great support from the other parents.)
Sam finally came over and got into my lap and said "I'm scared. Go to our house."We had already decided it was time to cut our losses - but it was very interesting to me that Sam was able to a.) express that he was afraid and 2.) ask to go home - he usually cries when we do go home! We have only seen him this completely dis-regulated one other time, just last week when my parents arrived for a visit. It was a nightmare - I was so embarrassed. Of course my parents are the best and they were supportive - but I know they didn't want to be around him because he was just so hard and having tantrums about every little thing. That's a horrible feeling. You want your parents to adore your kids. At least I do.
So yes, I get it - these are things that shouldn't be shocking to me knowing Sam's past. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this is probably not completely out of the ordinary for someone with his background. He's having trouble with transition, he's feeling strong emotions and can't regulate, new situations scare him a lot more than usual at this age. We've alway's said he's exceptionally willful, stubborn and 2 & 1/2 on top of the adoption-related stuff. I get all that.
And, despite that, it's still fricking hard and frustrating and exhausting. And I feel like I'm failing because I'm not the Zen mama I wish I could be. I go to sleep every night wishing I was a better mother, certain I am a horrible one. promising that tomorrow I won't lose my temper or get frustrated with his intensity. And nearly every day I fail. I look at other mothers who all seem so much more nurturing than me, and I have yet to see a child even close to as intense and emotional as Sam is.
We'll find some more adoption-related resources for support. I'll reach out to other moms. I'll remind myself that Sam needs me now more than ever, even if he can't say or show it. So, I'll go do what I've often done since he came home, and pull him out of the crib and rock him on my chest, hoping somehow he knows mama's here. And tomorrow's another day.
6 comments:
:( I hear you Anne!! This is so hard!! I spent the last 4 years trying to make this happen and now our house is filled with screaming, throwing, spitting, vomiting, swearing, slamming, hitting and the list goes on. I spent an hour on the bathroom floor with him the other night while he screamed, threw up and hit while telling me how much he hates me and this is a daily occurrence. Asella and Darren had to go sit in the cold outside to do her homework because it was just too loud inside. I too understand where all these behaviors are coming from given his past must most days like you I feel like I have failed and can't give him what he wants and needs. I wish I could give you some great advice or say something to make it better but I have also hit rock bottom and can just say you are not alone. xoxox
You are singing my song but not just with my adopted daughter Lucy. Sometimes our bio daughter Kate is actually the harder of the two. Honestly, some of it is adoption related but some of it is just this age. My girls are 3 and let me tell you, THREE TOTALLY SUCKS. Tantrums, crying, screaming, hitting, etc. You are not alone nor are you a failiure. Remember that the process of repairing is just as valuable as those times when all is rosy. If you yell or do something else you wish you hadn't, be sure to apologize so your child knows it's possible to be mad but still love and respect the other person. You can do it and come out the other side!
Hey! I am so glad you commented on my blog as, for some reason, your new posts have not been showing up on my blogroll? I figured you were no longer blogging, but have thought about you! I just read back on some of your post and saw your little cutie. SO ADORABLE! And I am not just talking about your son - but your sweet little family! In regards to your last post, I am betting it is hard to figure out what is "normal" 2-3 yr old stuff and what is adoption related, but I can tell you that I thought I was going to loose it for an entire year when my bio son was between 2-3 yrs old. OMG.. H.A.R.D. I turned into a screamer, and I am not a screamer! I loved him to death one minute, then the next minute he was psycho and he made me nuts! He also all of the sudden got scared of stuff; scared of a bush, an ant, sand, a piece of toilet paper on the ground, etc. We actually went to take him in to our pedi and he reassured is that it was very common for this age. Anyhow - best to you and remember to give yourself some credit! No doubt you are a kick-butt mom, but even so, some days are just super tough. ;)
Anne,
First of all adopted or not- raising kids is hard- and very rarely pretty.. Your reaction is so normal! You've made it, you're here, welcome to the club! YOU are doing a great job... you have been handed a 2.5 year old bundle of mixed up emotions ( and that's not including the adoption related stuff) and are expecting yourself to raise him into a fully functional, well adjusted human being ... a huge job in itself without feeling like everyday you've failed- that my mom friend is motherhood.. YOU are doing an amazing job and you are just in a valley right now- the peak is just ahead.. but watch out valley to follow I am sure.. I have no sage advice- and the others on here have shared some good stuff.. but wanted to support you and say- be kind to yourself- this is tough stuff- 3 was a tough year for both my boys- and while mine did not have the heavy baggage that Sam carries in his heart- 3 just SUCKS! you are mending his heart and please be sure to take care of your heart in the process... lots of "you" breaks and tag teaming with Terry as needed and you guys are going to be fine- Sam looks amazing and beautiful...not for one minute would I ever suggest that you just be grateful- hang in there!!!!
Late catching up on posts and just want to say I'm another new adoptive mom who understands where you're coming from. The wish to be more nurturing particularly hit home. I don't believe you should go through your days feeling grateful; your absolutely allowed to want to shut the door. I agree with the other commenters that you're doing a great job.
Oh - and I just saw that my old blog homesteaders is in your blogroll - thanks! I'm not posting so much there - since the adoption it's at thirdwaver.com.
Take care - Heather
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