If you're an adoptive parent (AP) you have been to the classes. You know, the ones that, if you're like me, you kinda glossed over. The hard stuff. Your child will have attachment issues. (No! We're adopting a young child, so he/she will attach pretty easily!) Your child might have sensory issues due to the complete lack of sensory stimulation growing up in an orphanage. (No! We chose our country carefully so we know that our child is coming from a place where he/she was loved!) There will be racial issues. (Ok, we're not there just yet...)
Our son is amazing. He's full of life, and funny, and wicked smart - likely very gifted. He's curious, a great sleeper, a good eater, and can be very sweet. And. He's hard. Really hard. I did now know how hard until recently - because my world imploded a bit, showing me I'm not in control, at all.
Attachment stuff. Sensory stuff. Trauma stuff. Enough said if you know those words. And here's my tell-all moment. I don't know how to be a mother. I was the primary breadwinner for the first 18+ months we had Sam home. This allowed me to be very strategic about when I spent time with this child who is increasingly hard to parent. Working in a high-power job was the perfect excuse to not have to be home or to soften or to really understand Sam's needs. (Don't judge.) And, Terry spent a month with him in Ethiopia - so those two were super-bonded, and I didn't want to interrupt that. (How convenient!)
Insert wrecking ball, universe wanting to teach lessons, middle-age life-changer - you name it. Things have changed in our household. Now, I'm the primary parent.
Annnndd, I suck at this. I am not calm. He needs calm. I am not creative. He needs creative. I am reading books on sensory and attachment stuff, seeking out energy work and calming techniques and googling "how not to react when your child hits you in the face" and "why is my 3-year old so scared/angry?". I am deep breathing, I am putting sticky notes up reminding me not to yell and quoting calm, spiritual people. I am rocking him, reading to him, singing and dancing with him, coloring with him, crawling with him, feeding him healthy food, trying desperately to help him calm. And, it's not working. I am not calm enough to help him calm down. I'm supposed to regulate his emotions and I can't even regulate my own, much less his. Give me a team of 10 marketing people to organize, restructure and optimize - I'm your gal. Ask me to fix a business problem, done. Put me with a very challenging almost 3-year-old, I'm a mess.
I look at women who have that "natural mother" gene, and I'm perplexed and sad. Why didn't I get it? How come I can't soothe this child? Why do I get so easily effected when he's upset, rather than being that "rock in the river" I'm supposed to be, and that he so desperately needs? I thought when he came, that natural mother thing would appear. It didn't. And, he always wants his baba (father). He cries for him and tells me "I want baba, not mama." Talk about crushing a mama's heart...
What helps? What works? My mom's group, melatonin, singing and a weighted blanket. Those the the things that are working. Hopefully, we'll have more tools come our way.
