If you're an adoptive parent (AP) you have been to the classes. You know, the ones that, if you're like me, you kinda glossed over. The hard stuff. Your child will have attachment issues. (No! We're adopting a young child, so he/she will attach pretty easily!) Your child might have sensory issues due to the complete lack of sensory stimulation growing up in an orphanage. (No! We chose our country carefully so we know that our child is coming from a place where he/she was loved!) There will be racial issues. (Ok, we're not there just yet...)
Our son is amazing. He's full of life, and funny, and wicked smart - likely very gifted. He's curious, a great sleeper, a good eater, and can be very sweet. And. He's hard. Really hard. I did now know how hard until recently - because my world imploded a bit, showing me I'm not in control, at all.
Attachment stuff. Sensory stuff. Trauma stuff. Enough said if you know those words. And here's my tell-all moment. I don't know how to be a mother. I was the primary breadwinner for the first 18+ months we had Sam home. This allowed me to be very strategic about when I spent time with this child who is increasingly hard to parent. Working in a high-power job was the perfect excuse to not have to be home or to soften or to really understand Sam's needs. (Don't judge.) And, Terry spent a month with him in Ethiopia - so those two were super-bonded, and I didn't want to interrupt that. (How convenient!)
Insert wrecking ball, universe wanting to teach lessons, middle-age life-changer - you name it. Things have changed in our household. Now, I'm the primary parent.
Annnndd, I suck at this. I am not calm. He needs calm. I am not creative. He needs creative. I am reading books on sensory and attachment stuff, seeking out energy work and calming techniques and googling "how not to react when your child hits you in the face" and "why is my 3-year old so scared/angry?". I am deep breathing, I am putting sticky notes up reminding me not to yell and quoting calm, spiritual people. I am rocking him, reading to him, singing and dancing with him, coloring with him, crawling with him, feeding him healthy food, trying desperately to help him calm. And, it's not working. I am not calm enough to help him calm down. I'm supposed to regulate his emotions and I can't even regulate my own, much less his. Give me a team of 10 marketing people to organize, restructure and optimize - I'm your gal. Ask me to fix a business problem, done. Put me with a very challenging almost 3-year-old, I'm a mess.
I look at women who have that "natural mother" gene, and I'm perplexed and sad. Why didn't I get it? How come I can't soothe this child? Why do I get so easily effected when he's upset, rather than being that "rock in the river" I'm supposed to be, and that he so desperately needs? I thought when he came, that natural mother thing would appear. It didn't. And, he always wants his baba (father). He cries for him and tells me "I want baba, not mama." Talk about crushing a mama's heart...
What helps? What works? My mom's group, melatonin, singing and a weighted blanket. Those the the things that are working. Hopefully, we'll have more tools come our way.
5 comments:
Hang in there is all I can say. I've struggled too with my second child. I've felt horrible, just like you. It sounds like you are doing everything right now to work on attachment. It's funny, I thought that attachment could be an issue with my child, but it was a problem with me too. I was sick about it. We've been home 3 years and we're in counseling. It's helping, but it's not going to be a quick and easy fix.
Know that you're not alone. That helps me as much as anything.
Feel free to contact me if you ever need support.
Mindee
You definitely are not alone. There are many days I just feel like a bad mom. I have one profoundly gifted son with sensory issues (which is a constant rollercoaster ride) and one son who, to second what Mindee said - we both have attachment issues. Some days are good....and others well, not so much. It seems like as they are getting older, the good days are getting more frequent than the bad ones.
Being a mom....the hardest job I've ever had. And somedays I really suck at it.
Teryl
I know exactly where you're coming from, only I haven't had the time (hello, working mom!) or courage to write about it. I'm not the calm, soothing mom I thought I'd be(come). It probably doesn't sound like much, but I hope you get some peace of mind knowing you're not alone.
And: you ARE a good mom.
Anne! you are part of a very large club of women- women who probably imagined it all going very differently- you are doing an amazing job- to read your post I read about an incredible boy who is bright, curious, talkative and funny- and clearly your heart.. and who has come so far- I remember the early day posts WOW look how far you've come baby! Every mom feels like she needs a redo at the end of most days.. but you can rest assured that he is getting everything he needs from you- not everyone has the "extras" you have on your mom plate- and the adoption stuff is the added bonus- ha! keep at it- be kind and patient to yourself- show him that no one is perfect but that you are trying for him- he will see it..
I so understand but I did get the natural mother thing and guess what..... it has not helped me one tiny bit! This is HARD SO SO SO HARD, its infertility hard! I have had my drug addicted preemie for almost 6 months and I am the BEST mother to him.... I can figure out what he needs and when without using one brain cell. Luke is a sensory loving, emotional, angry little boy and I love him but sometimes I just cry because I can't help him. Our newest attempt is psychotherapy and play therapy and I have to say it is helping. Luke is gifted in so many areas but still WILL NOT POTTY TRAIN!!! I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE!!! Hang in there you are not alone. I will chat any time! Your are the best mom to your sweet boy from a traumatic background. Adoption is hard but so worth it.
Post a Comment