Wonderful weekend & our Buddha barometer

Last weekend we took a 4-day weekend to celebrate Jackson. We went to a great little cabin in the mountains and swam, played, napped and ate. The 4 of us had a most wonderful time, and Jackson was like he was a year or so ago. We went on hikes, found snow to play in and cuddled at night in the cool air. It was a perfect weekend. Jackson is doing really well, and has just about beat the life expectancy given by the surgeon. We treasure every extra day we have with him. 

Sam loved the weekend, too. That kid can hike, which we hope continues! He walked a lot, threw a lot of pine cones and played by the river with Jackson. We had struggles with waking very panicked mid-way through naps, but mama had the luxury of laying down on the bed with him for the second half of the nap. We hope to make many visits to our new most favorite get-away, an hour from home.

Sam's still a chatterbox,learning new words daily. He's big into running everywhere, tractors, trucks, cars - anything with wheels. I think his most favorite things, perhaps, are still his books and flash cards. We have LOTS of opportunity to learn to calm down (ahem, ME) as our stress shows up in Sam. He's busy/loud/active anyway - add Terry and/or I being stressed/angry/too busy and Sam reflects it right back to us. (What a vicious circle!) So he's like our little Buddha barometer. He and Jackson. Here to make us better people.

We're happy to be a family.

Tribute to our Best Friend

When I'm still, even when I'm not, I feel my heart breaking into pieces. I feel it twist, and catch and ache. My heart hurts.

We're losing our pup.

Terry got Jackson as a gift about a year before we met. Once Terry and I became a couple, Jackson quickly became mine, too. He's our first-born, and has been our love, anchor, confidant and our conscious for more than ten years. Without going into details, Jackson has a very aggressive cancer for which he had surgery a week ago. Yesterday we learned that we have 3-4 weeks with him. While we knew he was aging, we had no idea our time together would be so short. We're in shock and devastated. How can this be? A month ago we were hiking together for 3-4 hours a week. How can this be? We're not ready yet, Jackson.

I want to write some of my favorite things and memories about Jackson so they don't slip away. If you're not an animal lover, this may not be your read. If you are, I know that you will understand.

I guess I'll start by saying that Jackson has inspired many nicknames from me and Terry. He's furry, furry-face, fluffer, fluffer-nutter, puppernut squash, stinky, stinky McStinkerston, punkin pie and wagger. I'm sure there are more.

I've known and loved many dogs. And all have unique wonderful souls. What I can say about Jackson is that he's the most gentle, willing and loving soul I've known. He's also silly, funny and intuitive beyond belief. He used to come stand between us when we argued. He gets so upset when I'm upset that I'm writing this away from him so as not to concern him. Although I should know by now the energy between us isn't hampered by walls.

Here are some things I want to remember about Jackson.
(After writing this I re-read it and realized some is written in present tense, and some in past - making it rather poorly-written and confusing. But that's the state of where we are. He's with us, but so much of him is slipping away. And I didn't realize how much until I took the time to write this all down.)

• When he was a pup, and stills sometimes later in life, he'll come to our bed about 5am and jump up with his big muzzle right in our face - wagging and full of joy- as if to say "why wait to start the day??!!"
• Speaking of wagging, Jackson has always been the wagger. His tail was the background soundtrack to our lives. Every time we'd enter a room, turn over in bed, whistle his call, walk by him or smile at him - just about any sign of life from us: THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. He's a big dog and has a big tail. His wagging was often the joke of friends who thought we could attach a hammer to his tail and he'd be quite the craftsman. Years ago we noticed how much he wagged only after he sprained his tail and couldn't wag for almost a week. We were shocked at how quiet everything was. Over time, almost imperceptibly, the wagging has slowed. He's so tired. (Ah, my heart aches again.) I miss the wags.
• In addition to being a wagger, Jackson is a squeaker. He welcomes us to the room, or the house, or lets us know it's dinner or he wants to play by squeaking one of his beloved furry toys. We would always laugh, because we know he believed he was talking with us. He loves his toys. A new toy for Jackson would be the favorite for a few weeks until he'd eventually go back to his favorite - the turtle.
• Jackson is a working dog, and he takes his jobs very seriously. His jobs include meeting us and any visitors at the front door, getting the paper, carrying in the mail, helping carry groceries (he'd nudge us until we gave him a frozen dinner or box of toothpaste to carry in), and shredding cardboard and sticks in the yard for the compost. And again, it is only as I write this that I see how so slowly over time he's had to resign some of his duties. Oh pup, you've been going for a while. We thought you were just tired with all of the stress around bringing Sam home. Oh Jackson, I'm so sorry.
• Water is like heaven for Jackson. Whether it be a lake or snow - he's happiest when wet and even happier when wet and dirty. Jackson loves to make snow angels. He loves to bound through the snow, sticking his muzzle into the snow and snorting, digging for tennis balls.
• Jackson loves to snuggle, and loved to come to the bath when I was in for a quick shampoo of his head and rub of his ears. He doesn't come downstairs very often anymore where the bath tub is - but last night he did. And we had a shampoo together and an ear rub. I didn't let him see my cry when he left.
• Jackson and I howl together. Sometimes Terry howls with us, and even recently Sam joined in. Yeah, we're weird. Wow - was that really 3 years ago? How can it be?   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHnn-NvArbQ
• His bottom lip. I love it. It sticks out just a tiny bit - maybe a tiny under-bite? I don't think anyone else would notice, but I do, and I love it. For some reason it reminds me a bit of my grandpa. His paws - they're huge and soft and gentle. I love them. His eyes - amber and knowing. So beautiful.
• Walking and hiking with Jackson are going to be among the hardest losses. He learned quickly to get his leash when he wanted to go for a walk. This quickly became a party trick - when new people came over, Jackson would bring his leash and put it into their laps and wag, wag, wag. Jackson and I have been on literally hundreds of hikes together. Many with Terry too. This was our special thing - Jackson and me. Time together, free, outdoors. 2 weekends ago I hiked without him - before the surgery, before we knew about the cancer. I left him at home because he seemed so tired and wasn't eating - the reason we took him into the vet. I felt like half of me was missing. Oh - sweet pup, you haven't gotten your leash in a few months. How did we not know something was more wrong than just being tired? How will I hike without you, buddy? Will you be with me, still, when you're gone?  I didn't know those were our last hikes a few weeks ago - were you hurting? Did it make things worse for you?
• And all of his looks - I have many documented. Joy, curiosity, happiness, sadness, shame, fear. You're an open book, pup. Just like your mama.

So now, we wait. I have promised myself not to get upset in front of Jackson, which I am failing at. We love him, we walk him, we cuddle him and he gets extra treats and even gets to eat grass and cat poop if that's what he really wants. We'll sleep downstairs with him now, as he won't go up the stairs. Next weekend we'll go to a cabin in the woods on a river and let him do whatever he wants. Can you please stay with us until then, sweet pup?

Jackson - we are pretty sure that you want to save us from a long drawn-out end of days. That's just like you - always more worried about us than you. It has been an honor to be your companion on this earth, and you have blessed us more than I can articulate. 

Whatever you need in this time, pup. Anything. And when you need to go, we're ok. We'll be ok. We'll see you again at the rainbow bridge.

Catch-up.

I think this marks the longest time period between posts for me. And that's pretty much a result of my life which is completely nuts right now. Work is as hard and stressful as it's ever been for me, it's allergy season big-time in Colorado and I'm behind in everything. Oh - and I have an 19-month old tornado (formerly knows as the pork chop). Thank God my skinny jeans fit or I'd be totally losing it.

I want to blog so I have record of all of the amazing things going on with Samuel. I've heard parents say it a hundred times "time passes so fast and they grow up so quickly!" But WOW - the changes we see in Sam in a week are really unbelievable. Since I'm strapped for time, I'll just list some highlights:

• He continues to be a great sleeper. (Thank you, Sam!) He generally sleeps through the night for about 10.5 hours, then has about a 2 hour nap mid day. Wake ups are seldom - 2 nightmares to date, or when he's sick. Getting him calm enough to consider sleep is another story - he's usually in the crib for about :30 minutes chatting away after he finishes his bottle and lobs is at the baby monitor. No, I'm not ready to take him off the bottle yet. Not even close. (Please oh please oh please let this sleep pattern continue. Please!)
• He's walking everywhere - and very quickly. He has finally, thanks to daddy, learned to go down stairs/curbs backwards, so there is much less road rash on his face. 
• He's super-active - always going, going, going (and usually throwing, throwing, throwing) but still loves books and being carried in the sling. We love the playground - especially the swings and slide. He's quite an adventurer.
• Talking is the big thing right now! He's a real parrot and he learns new words every day - sometimes every hour. Some current favorites are: tractor!, car!, Jackson!, tree!, apple!, nana!, agua!, up! (which sounds just like apple), boo!, wow!, ought oh!, hi mama!, (although he doesn't call me mama, he does say hi mama! (as one word) when I walk into the room. Oh - and of course no, no, no!, door!, ball! And a few others I'm sure I'm forgetting. When I say the alphabet, he's in charge of saying the letter "D!" And yes, he says them all with explanation marks at the end. He loves to communicate, is signing less but still signing for water, more, light and food. There is not more than a minute or so during the day that he's awake that he's not talking. He might be the chattiest, most animated person I've ever met.
• He's showing more affection to us, his loveys, his truck  and Jackson. Very sweet. 
• He's also currently a hitter - and swings at us multiple times a day. I think it's to see what we'll do - because he's always looking us straight in the eye while he does it.
• He's gets fussy - but is easily soothed or distracted most times. Mostly, he's fussy when telling us his opinion. Generally, he's very, very happy - and crazy funny.
• He loves all things boy: throwing, dirt, trucks, tractors, cars, motorcycles. It's amazing how hard-wired this stuff is.

I know that might sound like a glowing assessment of new-parenthood, adopted at that. Is it hard? Hell yes. But because I'm used to being a spoiled, selfish 43-year old, not because Samuel is hard. Mommy has lots of work to do in learning how to do all of this. And I know it will get infinitely harder.

My mom and dad are coming this week for Memorial Day and I could not be more excited! Coincidentally they'll be here on the six-month anniversary of of the last time they were here - when we brought Samuel home - Thanksgiving day.

Love hikes with mama & daddy

Not as easy to get family pictures as it used to be!

Anything that involves flinging his little body around is good by him!

Neighborhood friend

Did I mention he loves all things boy?

Welcome, Samuel!

It's hard to believe that it hasn't even been 6 months that Samuel has been home. It seems like so much more and so much less at the same time. I was looking through pictures the other day of November and December - he was so tiny! He as grown and changed so much. And so have we. The first few weeks were really hard, but I can't quite remember why now? He's always been a happy guy, a great sleeper and a great eater. So why did it seem, at the time, that those first few weeks were so hard? I guess it was the huge change that comes with being 42 and having always had the money and time to do whatever I want. Then, suddenly, there's this little being who takes all the money and time. Fast-forward 6 months and it just feels like family. And now, on those rare occasions when I'm out doing the things I used to do without him, like hike, or travel for work I miss him.

As strange as it sounds, I have known Sam in a lot of ways for quite a while now - even before he really started showing us who he was. So, when in the the first 4 months or so with us he was very well-behaved and quite frankly hardly ever fussy at all, I knew there was much more to come. From the first referral pictures I saw of Sam, I knew that he was willful, strong and brave. I could see it in his eyes. (And we're kindred spirits in a way, I think.)

Recently, I would say he is finally here. He's showing us who he is. His willfulness is coming out in a big way - he's showing us his opinions - his likes and dislikes. He's also showing us more and more love. Both the Samuel I knew was in there - and, a Samuel I didn't know, is making our lives more full every single minute.

What I didn't know about Sam is what a clown he is. He's a riot - funny, silly and happy as can be. When we met him in July he was very guarded. It was hard to get a smile out of him at all. I cried the first day we left the orphanage because I was so afraid there was something wrong with him. He didn't smile until the 4th visit. And now - he cracks himself, and us all day long. Oh what a little love and consistency can do! Our amazing little boy. Welcome. We love you.

Silly little pork chop! The cups are still his favorite. (Thanks Kyndra!)

Our little pilot!

Ready to roll...

With Ethiopian friends:

Mama's favorite time:

The big G

Big G little g, what begins with G? Not only goats with goo goo goggles, but GIARDIA.

Hopefully this explains the 7-8 poopy diapers a day around here! Little dude has giardia. He tested negative back in December, but positive this month. I sure hope the antibiotics work the first time and we see some changes in the volume of poop around here. To say that much poop is crappy - is an understatement! The jury is still out as to whether he brought it back from Africa and just tested negative or picked it up eating out of Jackson's bowl. (This is not a behavior I intentionally allow, by the way...)

I had giardia this fall after our trip to Ethiopia and it took me 3 months to get rid of it. While the 10-pound weight loss was great, the jumping up and running out of meetings and pulling into random gas stations and fast-food joints every few hours was not. Incidentally, for me, the 2 rounds of antibiotics didn't even phase the buggers. I finally found relief working with a holistic doc who hooked me up with super Artemisinin (the active constituent of the herb sweet wormwood) to kill it off. Worked like a charm.

Good news - it hasn't kept the pork chop from gaining weight, that's for sure...

Airplanes, tractors, meltdowns and quite a debut.

I'm writing from the air somewhere above mid-America en route from Atlanta to Denver. We went to Jackson, Mississippi this week for a visit with family and Samuel's official debut into society in the South. The flights to Jackson were awesome. While prepared for the worst, the little dude surprised us and slept the entire way to Atlanta, then hung on for the 1-hour flight on to Jackson and played in our laps. A meltdown started to ensue as we were waiting to de-plane in Jackson, but a sweet and very observant mama a row back intervened just in time. Thank you, parents of the world, for your help at the most difficult times! I promise to pass it on. 

The second day in Jackson brought with it a very grumpy Samuel. We did get out for walks and that helped. His big thing right is any kind of motor vehicle, for which he chirps in his high voice: "tractor" with glee, while wildly and very seriously trying to make sure we see whatever plane, car, truck or tractor in view. Even in our books and flash cards he points out trucks and cars with much drama, while nearly ignoring things like kittens or fruit.

Terry's parents friends had an absolutely wonderful party for Sam, and everyone got to meet - or at least see the new grandson. There were probably 50-60 people who stopped by in the 2-hours. The little dude did really well for about 90 minutes. And mama and daddy were worn out chasing Sam around a beautifully decorated, non-baby proofed house with a few one-step transitions from room to room. IE - steps for Sam's favorite hobby - mini-cliff diving without a parachute. Between avoiding the crashes, soothing him after the crashes, keeping him occupied and away from the steps (not successful at all) I didn't get to visit with too many people, unfortunately.

But again - just as the meltdowns started, a few amazing mamas stepped in at just the right minute with distracting books, snacks or to take a quick stroll outside. Again. Thank you, you amazing people who have done what we are trying to do and offer such simple wisdom and support it turns my heart upside-down! 

There was one really funny bit - although I think Sam and I were the only ones who noticed it. When Sam started to fuss one of the wonderful mothers gave him a book (he loves books) that has buttons you can press and it says colors associated with pictures of things that color. So, Sam and I sat in a chair - and read the book. It became a bit of a receiving line - people streamed by to get a look at him since he was semi-still. And, all of these wonderful people happened to be white. Samuel being Samuel was very much taken with the talking book. And, especially, for some reason, with the "black" button. So while streams of wonderfully nice and lovely and white people pinched his cheek, Sam was pushing the button: "black!", "black!", "black!", "black!" over, and over. I was laughing so hard on the inside I could barely contain myself. And THAT, people, is my son.

I had to leave today to get back to some work stuff. Terry is staying another few days with his family who are becoming enchanted with Samuel despite the 18-month old fussiness we've recently developed. At the airport this morning, Samuel screamed when I closed the door - and reached for me. I'm hugging Terry goodbye, and see Sam through the window screaming and crying. OMG. I felt awful. Absolutely fricking awful. I know, parents have to leave their kids sometimes. But I'm the mommy - and I feel, after his first year of so much transition, I shouldn't leave. I'm sorry pork chop! The guilt. The guilt

Happy Mama!

I guess this makes total sense, but I hadn't thought of it until just now. Samuel is learning to feel in all kinds of ways. In addition to showing his opinion when he's frustrated, he is also starting to show love. And it just makes mama melt! He will come up and grab my legs, he likes to be carried a lot (mostly to see what's happening up high, I think) and he lays his head down on my chest while I'm holding him sometimes. It makes sense that if he trusts us enough to show us he's pissed off, he can trust us enough to show us he loves us.

Samuel - we're so proud of you, baby boy! You're so brave and so strong. So funny and full of life. And we love you more each day. Thank you for learning to trust us as we take this journey together.

Mama + Samuel + Jackson on Easter

Just doing one of our favorite things together - reading!

Bubbles are fun, daddy!

Peek a boo!