28 Months Old + Boring Blogs

Sam is 28 months old today! 

I'm reflecting on how boring my blogs are anymore. My posts used to be: "What's happening with adoptions globally?", "Will we get a call?", "Woe is me! The waiting is so hard!". I had witty titles, linked to stuff, and shared deep thoughts and emotions. Now, I'm just pretty much documenting life for Sam, keeping family and friends in the loop, and, well, it's pretty boring stuff. I got a baby, cut my hair off and quit my blog. Such is the life of the mom of a toddler.

Here's a bit of what's going on right now, Sam:

• The nickname "porkhop" doesn't make much sense anymore for you, baby, cause you're getting long and lean! You're still little, but no longer shaped like a pork chop...you're thinning out and growing up!
• We learned you need glasses which we're getting this week. We're amazed that, despite being VERY far-sighted, you love to read, and know your colors, most of your numbers and letters already!
• Speaking of reading - you recite many of your books with us (probably 20 or so...) as we read them. We love that you love to read, as it's our only (relatively) quiet time together.
• You have a memory like an elephant. (See above on reciting books...)
• You are OBSESSIVE about cars, trains, airplanes and ask at least 10 times a day "if we are going to the airport?" I am not exaggerating here. (I got to take the corporate jet back from a meeting in Orlando a few weeks ago, and Sam's now convinced mommy has her own plane.)
• You are still pretty much the same guy we met a bit over a year ago. You're funny, chirpy (you never, ever shut up), curious, silly, smiley and don't like to be away from us. Ever. 
• No doubt, parenting is hard. You're a busy guy with lots of emotions. You didn't get 500,000 impressions of a mama rocking you and helping soothe you in your first year - and so you have trouble regulating and calming. And this, my baby, breaks my heart beyond what words can describe. I'm trying to help you. I want to help you. I don't know how to help you sometimes. I hurt for you.
• Now that you're over 2 - we get the joy of experiencing just how "strong" a little soul you are. (I called it from the first referral pic where you were staring down the camera at 5 months. Kindred spirits, I think...)
• You get angry. Often. You scream, and you can brew up huge tears in mili-seconds. Therefore any incident has you looking, within the 30 seconds it takes you to calm down, like you've been crying for 30 minutes and we've been beating you. You look pathetic, bottom lip quivering, soaked face and drenched shirt. Snot everywhere. And all because either mama picked up the wrong train, tried to make you share the soccer ball, suggested it's time to wash your hands, the doggie picked up the ball or the word "nap", "diaper" or "toothbrush" is mentioned in any way, shape or form. And God forbid we leave the park. Brutal.
• Having said that, you're like your mama - usually quick to heat up and quick to cool down. (But seriously? Please, please, please stop screaming NO! about everything. I know this is a phase, but I don't like it. One bit.)
• You're starting to sing which is c-u-t-e!!
• And even cuter, you like to hold your stuffed animals up and mimic playing puppets with them. Usually you pick up boo bear, who you hold facing you, wobbling his head and as if he's asking you a question: "want to go to airport?" - to which you answer: "OK BOO BEAR!!" Giggle giggle.
• You're a great sleeper, although naps are getting later and harder to get you down. You still need to be rocked to sleep for your nap or you just plain won't got down.
• You sleep all night unless you're sick. usually 8-7. Awesome. 
• You wake up happy. Lately you've been waking up from a nap to tell us "nice nap!" before we can ask.
• You're getting braver with food. You still take it out of your mouth and throw it at my head. You still avoid veggies at all costs. But we're tricking you since mama's doing a juice cleanse, you're getting cucumber, spinach, beet and other veggies in with your "apple juice. Tee hee.
• You are settling into us, as we are you. 
• We truly do love you move each day.

We love to hike together. Sam is bribe-able with a "hiking car".

Well hello, goat!

 Christmas presents from Aunts Tracy & Dana

 Cutest. Little. Santa. EVER.

 Baba, Sam & hiking car

 Mama, Sam & hiking car

 Choppy McChopperston & hiking car

Sticker fun

Cold day hike

See! I told ya. Boring! But that's us. Life certainly feels anything but boring each day!

The things I come across in my house.

You're a strange little stacker / arranger / liner up-er, pork chop.

Long time, no blog!

It's been a while since I've written. And, it's been a rough few months. Losing Jackson, interviewing, 3 job offers, big decision, new job, adjusting to new job and lots of travel. On top of that I wrecked my car by accidentally hitting a rock and Mac discontinued my favorite lipstick color. I wasn't kidding when I said rough.

Who cares?! Let me get the star of this blog! Sam is absolutely the funniest, cutest, smartest little pork chop I have ever seen! (And - he's even sweet sometimes these days!) Yes, we've gone and will continue to go through some pretty tough phases of temper tantrums. It's truly incredible how furious he gets, and what it stirs in me Terry and me. Dude. (And I thought marriage was hard.) I am certain he is more persistent than me, and more stubborn than Terry. That's quite a combo! 

But what a joy to see this little guy come into himself. He's growing and gaining weight and at his 2-year appointment, the doctor commented that "he seemed to be quite proud of himself" and that "he has a great laugh". We are so incredibly blessed! Here's just a little of what he's up to at 24 months:

• Talk, talk, talk! He probably has 300-350 words in English and about 20-25 in spanish. That is not an exaggeration. He's a parrot - and repeats everything we say. He isn't connecting his words as well as we'd like to see - but his vocabulary is so huge for a 24-month old boy, that we're not too worried. Today he said: "Bye bye orange dada!" when Terry walked out of the house in an orange shirt.
• He's really into cars, trucks, airplanes, tractors - that stuff is hard-wired for little boys! He cannot get enough of anything with wheels or wings. Every. Single. Time. we leave the house or he wakes from a nap, the first thing he says is "airport?". I say "Sorry, Sam, we're not going to the airport today." (But how fun will it be at Thanksgiving when I get to say YES! YES! We're going to the AIRPORT!) He is obsessed.
• The kid is funny, just plain funny. He'll put his spoon on his head, then look at us with a straight face and say "Sam's spoon?" He hides from us all the time and says "Sam?" He loves to laugh. He makes us laugh.
• Tonight, while I was holding him he pointed at my nose and said "big one", then at his and said "little one". He thought that was reeeal funny. At dinner, he ate a piece of chicken and said "bye bye bawk!". Took us a minute - oh - a chicken says bawk. See? Bye bye bawk. Funny. 
• SMART. I know everyone thinks they have the smartest kid in the world, but seriously, we may contact MENSA. He is 24 month and 2 weeks and knows about 8 of his colors, how old he is, where he was born (Opeeah!) and where he lives (Colorado). 
• Busy. Busy. Busy. Busier than most little busy boys - but lately he *is* softening around the edges. Not as frenetic. It's only been about a week, but we've seen a shift in him lately. Is he finally feeling safe? I think we may be experiencing a little miracle of healing?

My caveat, I feel can unabashedly rave about how we have the smartest, cutest, funniest child in the world, because it's not like I'm complimenting our own genes. :) Home 11 months this week. One of the hardest, but best years yet. 

Oh Sam!

What does a crow say? Caw! Caw!

What does an owl say? Whoo! Whoo!

What does a cow say? Mooooo!

What does a gato say? Mauw! Mauw!

What does Jackson say? Aaooooooo!

What does dada say? Shhhh!

What does mama say? Oh Sam!

Sam is barreling towards the age of two! He's 22 months and has been home for 9 months. It's incredible how much he has grown and changed. (And how much we have changed, too!) He's still a little peanut for his age, but big in every other way. He's active, loud, funny and silly. 

His favorite things right now are swimming and going to the playground. And, of course, throwing anything and everything. He's happy most of the time. He's got a temper and definitely lets us know when he doesn't get what he wants. Loudly. Sometimes frequently. (Some days are better than others, and this is where we're learning!) He loves his cars, gucks (trucks), coo coos (choo choos) and happys (airplanes). He still loves books, but is now very opinionated on what we read.

He's talking up a storm and connecting words: "mama's shoes", "tree's aufs (leaves)", "baba's car". He is pretty much ALWAYS talking. (Which is funny, but also a little much sometimes.) I am not exaggerating when I say always talking. From the moment he wakes up, until the second he talks himself to sleep. He's big into saying "hi" and "bye, bye" to things. This includes his toes when he puts his shoes on "bye bye piggies!", his shoes when he walks into tall grass "bye bye shoes", his spoon when he puts it on his head "bye bye spoon!", and his penis when we put on a diaper. He has new words every day - it's pretty incredible.

We all feel the void of Jackson being gone - we miss him every day, and haven't been able to put his stuff away. But we are transitioning to being a family of 3. Sam's an amazing little guy and we're getting very attached, as is he. It is a miracle to experience. We feel very blessed.

Jackson Stone: 10/7/2001 - 7/17/2012

I never knew a puppy dog so funny, gentle, bright
It seems to me - way too soon - to say our last good night

A steak filet on the couch, your head in daddy’s lap
Mama looked you in the eyes to take your final nap

The house is quiet now without your wagging tail
And at this point we’re not yet sure who will get the mail

So sweet pup, we wish you peace, and lots of space to play
We wish you lakes and creeks and friends and fresh snow every day

There will never be another you, Fluffernutter, Punkin-pie. Sweet dreams.

Wonderful weekend & our Buddha barometer

Last weekend we took a 4-day weekend to celebrate Jackson. We went to a great little cabin in the mountains and swam, played, napped and ate. The 4 of us had a most wonderful time, and Jackson was like he was a year or so ago. We went on hikes, found snow to play in and cuddled at night in the cool air. It was a perfect weekend. Jackson is doing really well, and has just about beat the life expectancy given by the surgeon. We treasure every extra day we have with him. 

Sam loved the weekend, too. That kid can hike, which we hope continues! He walked a lot, threw a lot of pine cones and played by the river with Jackson. We had struggles with waking very panicked mid-way through naps, but mama had the luxury of laying down on the bed with him for the second half of the nap. We hope to make many visits to our new most favorite get-away, an hour from home.

Sam's still a chatterbox,learning new words daily. He's big into running everywhere, tractors, trucks, cars - anything with wheels. I think his most favorite things, perhaps, are still his books and flash cards. We have LOTS of opportunity to learn to calm down (ahem, ME) as our stress shows up in Sam. He's busy/loud/active anyway - add Terry and/or I being stressed/angry/too busy and Sam reflects it right back to us. (What a vicious circle!) So he's like our little Buddha barometer. He and Jackson. Here to make us better people.

We're happy to be a family.

Tribute to our Best Friend

When I'm still, even when I'm not, I feel my heart breaking into pieces. I feel it twist, and catch and ache. My heart hurts.

We're losing our pup.

Terry got Jackson as a gift about a year before we met. Once Terry and I became a couple, Jackson quickly became mine, too. He's our first-born, and has been our love, anchor, confidant and our conscious for more than ten years. Without going into details, Jackson has a very aggressive cancer for which he had surgery a week ago. Yesterday we learned that we have 3-4 weeks with him. While we knew he was aging, we had no idea our time together would be so short. We're in shock and devastated. How can this be? A month ago we were hiking together for 3-4 hours a week. How can this be? We're not ready yet, Jackson.

I want to write some of my favorite things and memories about Jackson so they don't slip away. If you're not an animal lover, this may not be your read. If you are, I know that you will understand.

I guess I'll start by saying that Jackson has inspired many nicknames from me and Terry. He's furry, furry-face, fluffer, fluffer-nutter, puppernut squash, stinky, stinky McStinkerston, punkin pie and wagger. I'm sure there are more.

I've known and loved many dogs. And all have unique wonderful souls. What I can say about Jackson is that he's the most gentle, willing and loving soul I've known. He's also silly, funny and intuitive beyond belief. He used to come stand between us when we argued. He gets so upset when I'm upset that I'm writing this away from him so as not to concern him. Although I should know by now the energy between us isn't hampered by walls.

Here are some things I want to remember about Jackson.
(After writing this I re-read it and realized some is written in present tense, and some in past - making it rather poorly-written and confusing. But that's the state of where we are. He's with us, but so much of him is slipping away. And I didn't realize how much until I took the time to write this all down.)

• When he was a pup, and stills sometimes later in life, he'll come to our bed about 5am and jump up with his big muzzle right in our face - wagging and full of joy- as if to say "why wait to start the day??!!"
• Speaking of wagging, Jackson has always been the wagger. His tail was the background soundtrack to our lives. Every time we'd enter a room, turn over in bed, whistle his call, walk by him or smile at him - just about any sign of life from us: THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. He's a big dog and has a big tail. His wagging was often the joke of friends who thought we could attach a hammer to his tail and he'd be quite the craftsman. Years ago we noticed how much he wagged only after he sprained his tail and couldn't wag for almost a week. We were shocked at how quiet everything was. Over time, almost imperceptibly, the wagging has slowed. He's so tired. (Ah, my heart aches again.) I miss the wags.
• In addition to being a wagger, Jackson is a squeaker. He welcomes us to the room, or the house, or lets us know it's dinner or he wants to play by squeaking one of his beloved furry toys. We would always laugh, because we know he believed he was talking with us. He loves his toys. A new toy for Jackson would be the favorite for a few weeks until he'd eventually go back to his favorite - the turtle.
• Jackson is a working dog, and he takes his jobs very seriously. His jobs include meeting us and any visitors at the front door, getting the paper, carrying in the mail, helping carry groceries (he'd nudge us until we gave him a frozen dinner or box of toothpaste to carry in), and shredding cardboard and sticks in the yard for the compost. And again, it is only as I write this that I see how so slowly over time he's had to resign some of his duties. Oh pup, you've been going for a while. We thought you were just tired with all of the stress around bringing Sam home. Oh Jackson, I'm so sorry.
• Water is like heaven for Jackson. Whether it be a lake or snow - he's happiest when wet and even happier when wet and dirty. Jackson loves to make snow angels. He loves to bound through the snow, sticking his muzzle into the snow and snorting, digging for tennis balls.
• Jackson loves to snuggle, and loved to come to the bath when I was in for a quick shampoo of his head and rub of his ears. He doesn't come downstairs very often anymore where the bath tub is - but last night he did. And we had a shampoo together and an ear rub. I didn't let him see my cry when he left.
• Jackson and I howl together. Sometimes Terry howls with us, and even recently Sam joined in. Yeah, we're weird. Wow - was that really 3 years ago? How can it be?   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHnn-NvArbQ
• His bottom lip. I love it. It sticks out just a tiny bit - maybe a tiny under-bite? I don't think anyone else would notice, but I do, and I love it. For some reason it reminds me a bit of my grandpa. His paws - they're huge and soft and gentle. I love them. His eyes - amber and knowing. So beautiful.
• Walking and hiking with Jackson are going to be among the hardest losses. He learned quickly to get his leash when he wanted to go for a walk. This quickly became a party trick - when new people came over, Jackson would bring his leash and put it into their laps and wag, wag, wag. Jackson and I have been on literally hundreds of hikes together. Many with Terry too. This was our special thing - Jackson and me. Time together, free, outdoors. 2 weekends ago I hiked without him - before the surgery, before we knew about the cancer. I left him at home because he seemed so tired and wasn't eating - the reason we took him into the vet. I felt like half of me was missing. Oh - sweet pup, you haven't gotten your leash in a few months. How did we not know something was more wrong than just being tired? How will I hike without you, buddy? Will you be with me, still, when you're gone?  I didn't know those were our last hikes a few weeks ago - were you hurting? Did it make things worse for you?
• And all of his looks - I have many documented. Joy, curiosity, happiness, sadness, shame, fear. You're an open book, pup. Just like your mama.

So now, we wait. I have promised myself not to get upset in front of Jackson, which I am failing at. We love him, we walk him, we cuddle him and he gets extra treats and even gets to eat grass and cat poop if that's what he really wants. We'll sleep downstairs with him now, as he won't go up the stairs. Next weekend we'll go to a cabin in the woods on a river and let him do whatever he wants. Can you please stay with us until then, sweet pup?

Jackson - we are pretty sure that you want to save us from a long drawn-out end of days. That's just like you - always more worried about us than you. It has been an honor to be your companion on this earth, and you have blessed us more than I can articulate. 

Whatever you need in this time, pup. Anything. And when you need to go, we're ok. We'll be ok. We'll see you again at the rainbow bridge.