People say the darndest things...

Ever wonder what to say and what not to say to friends who are adopting? Here’s a good list:"Single Laughing Dad's Guide to Adoption Etiquette". This list is copied and pasted directly from this blog: Single Daddy Laughing. And, yes, he has been asked more than once "how much he paid for his son." **Warning - this is not politically correct.**

Single Dad Laughing's Guide to Adoption Etiquette:
1. Never, ever, ever, ask how much a child costs. This includes the phrase, "how much did you pay for him?" First of all, it's none of your business. Second of all, if you're interested in adoption, research it through the appropriate channels. Speak with an adoption agency. Adoptive parents don't purchase children. They simply pay legal fees and agency fees. Just like biological parents pay hospital and doctor bills. Don't turn the child into nothing more than a commodity.
2. Never ask if a celebrity inspired the adoption. Believe it or not, Tom Cruise, Connie Chung, and Angelina Jolie did not convince me one way or the other in the biggest decision of my life. Are you serious?
3. Never ask "where is his real dad?" Forget the fact that it will hurt my feelings. How do you think it will affect my son's feelings to feel like I'm not a real dad to him? Adoptive parents are real parents. The term you're looking for is "birth mother" or "birth father".
4. Don't say things like, "as soon as you adopt you're going to get pregnant" when you find out somebody is adopting. First of all, there are usually many, many years of pain and financial burden strapped to infertility, treatments, and heartache. Do you really think that what you're saying will help them? Secondly, while it is funny when it happens, it's rare.
5. Never say, "why did she give him away?" Do I really need to explain why this one would hurt a child? The proper term is "placed". A birth mother and birth father place their child for adoption. And again, it's personal and none of your business, so don't ask if you aren't my BFF.
6. Don't say, "it's like he's your real son". This is similar to number three, but worthy of mentioning. He is my real son, damn it.
7. Don't say, "do you love him as if he was your own?" Ummm... probably more than you love your little terror, that's for sure. And again... he is my own, damn it.
8. Never say things like, "you're so wonderful to adopt a child". I am a parent. Just like anybody else with kids.
9. Don't start spewing your horrible adoption stories. "This one time, my friend's sister's aunt's dog's previous owner's niece adopted a baby and the real dad came back and they took the baby away after they had him for two years." First of all, it probably isn't true. Second of all, how would you feel if I told you about all the ways you could lose your child. Adoption is permanent. And in the extremely rare circumstances that something like that happens, it's not something you should spread because the hurt that exists for all the parties involved must be immeasurable.
10. Don't say things like, "is it hard for him to be adopted?" Well, it wasn't, until you asked me that right in front of him you freaking idiot.
11. I don't want to hear about your second cousin who was on a waiting list for twelve years and never got a baby. Granted, this one was much more annoying when we were going through the adoption process. Nobody wants to know that some people never get chosen. Show some kindness. Even to ugly people.

We've experienced many of these, and also:
• How much money did you lose when Nepal closed?
• Can't you just do in vitro?
• What will your child look like?
• What religion will it be?
And my personal favorite:
• Just take one of our kids for a while (Really? Seriously. Really?)

I guess mentioning you're in the process of adopting - or having a child that doesn't look you - is similar to when a woman's pregnant belly becomes public property. People just get in your business and sometimes they're just not very smart/thoughtful. But then again - you don't have to be pregnant/adopting or have a child that doesn't look like you for people to say stupid sh*t to you!

But, here's the good news: our community rocks. We are fortunate to have amazing friends and family who love us and support us all the way. And we love and appreciate them. And – more often than not – when people find out we are in the process of adoption, they go out of their way to help us. (I’ve blogged about the amazing kindness of people a few times … Apparently I’m just surly today!)


If you're an adoptive parent/hopeful adoptive parent - what's the worst/strangest question you've ever gotten?