Throughout the adoption process this blog has been a bit like therapy - I'm not sure why the public posting of intimate feelings, fears and joy should be theraputic, but somehow it has been. I think about the psychology behind this often. I wonder at the differences between bloggers who reveal their intermost experiences, and those who can't percieve of sharing their lives and thoughts in a forum such as this or at all. But that's another topic.
This blog has been a reflection of my relationship with our adoption process. A mirror. Early on, the blog reflects my excitement, enthusiasm and naivety. As the years pass, "From a Pebble to a Stone" echos my disappointment, negativity and increasing detachment towards the process. For reasons I can't put my finger on, negativity has been the default path for me. It's not the path I chose to take from here.
I apologize, sincerely, to those I have hurt or offended along the way.
And, to those who have weathered and had the strength to point out my wrong turns and tangents (and even sometimes give me the benefit of the doubt - which I probably don't deserve) thank you. You help me grow. You have my respect and deep gratitude.
10 comments:
With 2+ years under your belts of waiting for an adoption (and probably longer than that if you are like most PAPs who come to the adoption decision), you deserve a little slack. I, for one, don't believe that you must always put on a happy face and "TRUST" that things will always work out. The fact is that sometimes they don't, for reasons we may never know. Your blog is just that...YOUR blog. Use it to vent, to rage, to cry...and to apologize when you feel the need to. But don't apologize for your feelings. They are valid.
xoxo
I don't think you need to apoligze at all. It IS how you feel and why would not not feel the way you do? Come on people why is it that when things work out for ourselves that we forget the pain of others? From a Pebble to a Stone you are hurting and so would anyone else that had to go throught what you are!!!! We waited 5 years for our Luke and I remember telling my husband " NO ONE CARES " they go on with their sweet children and we suffer, they are afraid to even talk to us.....VENT VENT VENT that is why we are here!!!! And someday...someday we will rejoice with you too...when the time is right!!!!
I agree!! I remember after Nepal closed I wrote someone who said they wanted to help how ever they could. Months went by and I never heard from her. I wrote again and she admitted that she didn't know how to respond and that I had offended her. Somehow writing e-mails to people was therpy for me too. Yet like Wes and Dawn said, people don't get how all consuming an adoption is and how painful a failed adoption is. I have children, but the pain I have felt over the loss of our Nepali princess has been overwhelming. I NEVER even thought that what you were writing was not appropriate. It was comforting to hear the words I was feeling come from someone else and know I wasn't alone. We are on the path of adopting from China special needs program. My emotions have been all over the place. I was driving down the road today and thought, "I should not be letting this adoption consume me. I have to live in the moment and enjoy each day with my family. But how do I turn this off?" The hurry up and wait. Oh how I hate living in this mode. When will it end?
In reading your blog, you seem to have been very supportive of others. You have been through hell. Pain like that is not pretty. Your good friends will support you even when it's hard / ugly and you lose a bit of yourself. Friends help put you back together. Hang in there.
remember that others are feeling the same emotions you are. you are not alone. Many try to get me to look at the positive and make me feel bad for being so negative and make me feel like I am over reacting and my feeling are not justified. Though I greatly appreciate any acknowledgement to my situation sometimes I wish people would just say wow that really sucks! I am sorry you have to go through this. So I say to you. THIS SUCKS and I am really sorry you have to go through this. :)
Honestly, I would love to see what you wrote still be on your blog. I have started a blog and my focus is on failed adoptions and sharing my emotions hoping that people will find it that need encouragement. Your blog has been that for me. I am a very open person and it is so good to hear the words said that I am feeling too. People who have gone through failed adoptions need to hear your thoughts. I know your friends mean well and yes we have to fight against depression and know that each day that we live is so precious and should be lived to the fullest. Please put the posts back on. We who understand need to know we are not alone. Because yes, there are parts of this journey that "suck!"
I consider an important part of my blog to be honest about sharing the ugly parts of this process. Otherwise many women get the impression that they are the only ones who get negative/bitter/confused/resentful/etc., which then layers guilt on top of all of the other ugliness. Don't forget, this is YOUR blog abour YOUR journey. How can anyone argue with the author of your autobiography??
Honestly I can't recall what your last blog post was but I can't imagine it was something that requires an apology. As other have said, this is your outlet. You're not here for us, we're here for you. We're just witness to your path, and cheerleaders for your victories.
Hi:)
I am writing my dissertation on how blogs create community and act as therapy for PAP's. I know your blog is private now (and I'm so thankful that I can still read it!:) so I wanted to okay something with you- can I use this post in part of my dissertation? You say what many of us feel so well, and I think it would help so much with my writing. You will of course be quoted. :) Please let me know what you think. I can tell you more if you like!
Erin Carson
erin@laugherys.com
www.eecarson.wordpress.com
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