Tribute to our Best Friend

When I'm still, even when I'm not, I feel my heart breaking into pieces. I feel it twist, and catch and ache. My heart hurts.

We're losing our pup.

Terry got Jackson as a gift about a year before we met. Once Terry and I became a couple, Jackson quickly became mine, too. He's our first-born, and has been our love, anchor, confidant and our conscious for more than ten years. Without going into details, Jackson has a very aggressive cancer for which he had surgery a week ago. Yesterday we learned that we have 3-4 weeks with him. While we knew he was aging, we had no idea our time together would be so short. We're in shock and devastated. How can this be? A month ago we were hiking together for 3-4 hours a week. How can this be? We're not ready yet, Jackson.

I want to write some of my favorite things and memories about Jackson so they don't slip away. If you're not an animal lover, this may not be your read. If you are, I know that you will understand.

I guess I'll start by saying that Jackson has inspired many nicknames from me and Terry. He's furry, furry-face, fluffer, fluffer-nutter, puppernut squash, stinky, stinky McStinkerston, punkin pie and wagger. I'm sure there are more.

I've known and loved many dogs. And all have unique wonderful souls. What I can say about Jackson is that he's the most gentle, willing and loving soul I've known. He's also silly, funny and intuitive beyond belief. He used to come stand between us when we argued. He gets so upset when I'm upset that I'm writing this away from him so as not to concern him. Although I should know by now the energy between us isn't hampered by walls.

Here are some things I want to remember about Jackson.
(After writing this I re-read it and realized some is written in present tense, and some in past - making it rather poorly-written and confusing. But that's the state of where we are. He's with us, but so much of him is slipping away. And I didn't realize how much until I took the time to write this all down.)

• When he was a pup, and stills sometimes later in life, he'll come to our bed about 5am and jump up with his big muzzle right in our face - wagging and full of joy- as if to say "why wait to start the day??!!"
• Speaking of wagging, Jackson has always been the wagger. His tail was the background soundtrack to our lives. Every time we'd enter a room, turn over in bed, whistle his call, walk by him or smile at him - just about any sign of life from us: THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. He's a big dog and has a big tail. His wagging was often the joke of friends who thought we could attach a hammer to his tail and he'd be quite the craftsman. Years ago we noticed how much he wagged only after he sprained his tail and couldn't wag for almost a week. We were shocked at how quiet everything was. Over time, almost imperceptibly, the wagging has slowed. He's so tired. (Ah, my heart aches again.) I miss the wags.
• In addition to being a wagger, Jackson is a squeaker. He welcomes us to the room, or the house, or lets us know it's dinner or he wants to play by squeaking one of his beloved furry toys. We would always laugh, because we know he believed he was talking with us. He loves his toys. A new toy for Jackson would be the favorite for a few weeks until he'd eventually go back to his favorite - the turtle.
• Jackson is a working dog, and he takes his jobs very seriously. His jobs include meeting us and any visitors at the front door, getting the paper, carrying in the mail, helping carry groceries (he'd nudge us until we gave him a frozen dinner or box of toothpaste to carry in), and shredding cardboard and sticks in the yard for the compost. And again, it is only as I write this that I see how so slowly over time he's had to resign some of his duties. Oh pup, you've been going for a while. We thought you were just tired with all of the stress around bringing Sam home. Oh Jackson, I'm so sorry.
• Water is like heaven for Jackson. Whether it be a lake or snow - he's happiest when wet and even happier when wet and dirty. Jackson loves to make snow angels. He loves to bound through the snow, sticking his muzzle into the snow and snorting, digging for tennis balls.
• Jackson loves to snuggle, and loved to come to the bath when I was in for a quick shampoo of his head and rub of his ears. He doesn't come downstairs very often anymore where the bath tub is - but last night he did. And we had a shampoo together and an ear rub. I didn't let him see my cry when he left.
• Jackson and I howl together. Sometimes Terry howls with us, and even recently Sam joined in. Yeah, we're weird. Wow - was that really 3 years ago? How can it be?   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHnn-NvArbQ
• His bottom lip. I love it. It sticks out just a tiny bit - maybe a tiny under-bite? I don't think anyone else would notice, but I do, and I love it. For some reason it reminds me a bit of my grandpa. His paws - they're huge and soft and gentle. I love them. His eyes - amber and knowing. So beautiful.
• Walking and hiking with Jackson are going to be among the hardest losses. He learned quickly to get his leash when he wanted to go for a walk. This quickly became a party trick - when new people came over, Jackson would bring his leash and put it into their laps and wag, wag, wag. Jackson and I have been on literally hundreds of hikes together. Many with Terry too. This was our special thing - Jackson and me. Time together, free, outdoors. 2 weekends ago I hiked without him - before the surgery, before we knew about the cancer. I left him at home because he seemed so tired and wasn't eating - the reason we took him into the vet. I felt like half of me was missing. Oh - sweet pup, you haven't gotten your leash in a few months. How did we not know something was more wrong than just being tired? How will I hike without you, buddy? Will you be with me, still, when you're gone?  I didn't know those were our last hikes a few weeks ago - were you hurting? Did it make things worse for you?
• And all of his looks - I have many documented. Joy, curiosity, happiness, sadness, shame, fear. You're an open book, pup. Just like your mama.

So now, we wait. I have promised myself not to get upset in front of Jackson, which I am failing at. We love him, we walk him, we cuddle him and he gets extra treats and even gets to eat grass and cat poop if that's what he really wants. We'll sleep downstairs with him now, as he won't go up the stairs. Next weekend we'll go to a cabin in the woods on a river and let him do whatever he wants. Can you please stay with us until then, sweet pup?

Jackson - we are pretty sure that you want to save us from a long drawn-out end of days. That's just like you - always more worried about us than you. It has been an honor to be your companion on this earth, and you have blessed us more than I can articulate. 

Whatever you need in this time, pup. Anything. And when you need to go, we're ok. We'll be ok. We'll see you again at the rainbow bridge.