Korea? Domestic? China? Ethiopia? Other? All? None?

It is mind-boggling how difficult it is to decide what path is next when you've survived (or are barely surviving) a country shut-down. As we ponder our options, I keep looking for "signs". But then I see "signs" and am not sure how to interpret them!? (And I can pretty much see a sign in anything from the phase of the moon to the model and color of a rental car, to a rabbit hopping across my path. I know what you're thinking, but these signs really do make sense if I had time to explain...) 

I decide on one country, one day, and my husband has come to peace with another. We've even had Jackson pick, by writing the name of countries on little pieces of paper and wrapping dog treats in them. Yes - this is how ridiculously crazy we have become, and yes, this is how highly we think of our dog's opinion. (Of course, we can't trust him, because he picked the wrong house when we were deciding between houses...) 

I know, I know. Trust my gut. Alotta good that did me last time. And right now, my gut can't be trusted because it is telling me I want Dulce de Leche ice cream. (Wait! Is that a sign??)

So back to the beginning. Arghhhhh. Can someone please text God, Buddha, Allah or Mother Nature and ask her what we should do? 

Namaste.

The door hasn't opened. (I don't even know if there is a door.)

I thought I was done with this blog. But apparently I'm not. Writing is therapeutic for me - so maybe this blog continues as our journey continues. A quick facelift for the blog though - as we no longer have to hide our identity. This is us. (And, the images of Nepal and Nepalese orphans are too hard to look at right now, anyway. God those are gorgeous kids.)

I've taken down the shrine in our empty room. That's too hard to look at, too. They say when one door closes, another opens. Nepal closed (OK, slammed shut right smack in our faces). We've not yet found our next "door".

I think - no, I know - we're going through the stages of mourning and just can't determine next steps yet. It's too soon. I thought I would bounce right back. I was wrong. I've been wrong about a lot lately.

We've looked very closely at Korea, Ethiopia and even might consider domestic. But first,  time to heal. All I know for now is that while I haven't carried our Nepal child in my tummy, I have carried that child in my heart every moment for 18 months. And losing a child is painful as hell.

And what they say about hell: if you're going through it, keep going. I'm going. And going. And going.

Namaste

1 year, 7 months and 5 days.

Thanks for your friendship and support. Stay tuned. If it's meant to be, we'll find our pebble somewhere, somehow. And I'll let you know how to follow the journey - if there is one to be followed.

Our hearts go out to the children of Nepal who will now grow up in orphanages. And a little piece of our heart will stay with them, forever. I'd still go to the ends of the earth to have a child from Nepal - if there were any way...

Namaste.

The end of the road.

The official statement:
In order to protect the rights and interests of certain Nepali children and their families, and of U.S. prospective adoptive parents, the Department of State and U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) have jointly decided to suspend adjudication of new adoption petitions and related visa issuance for children who are described as having been abandoned in Nepal.

The full official statement link.

Q & A link.

It's over.

The US department of state just shut Nepal adoptions down. I am going to throw up. My heart is shattered.

Abandon Hope

One of my favorite buddhist teachers, Pema Chodron has a quote I'm sitting with right now. It's simply: "abandon hope". It's beautiful in its irony. For - it's the hope for something different than what is right now - that causes us suffering. (And I'm sure hoping for something different than "what is" for us right now. As I hear of families who sent dossiers in almost 8 months after us getting matches, I feel so much heartbreak I can hardly stand it!)

So I have to sit back, abandon hope that things should be any different than they are this very minute. I have a beautiful house, a wonderful husband and sweet dog I adore more than anything, a great career and my health. The rest I have to let go of, because it's too painful to try to hold on to. I/we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I/we are blessed in this very moment.

Congrats to those who have received referrals!  Sending you positive thoughts for quick and safe travels.

We've met amazing friends on this journey. We've learned a lot about a beautiful country. We've had the tremendous support of complete strangers through message boards and the support of friends and family. While I've been consistent in my blogging, in keeping flowers on our baby's shrine, in my belief that Nepal is where our child is, I need to step away for a while and let go. I simply cannot do it right now. I need to abandon hope. 

Namaste

Thrilled, Confused & Bewildered

It sounds like more matches are going out for Nepal this week. Yay! Very happy for the families and the children joining those families!

Ummm. Hello? We're still here. We're still waiting? We submitted our dossier in April '09?

(Trying to be) Patiently yours,

Namaste.