Well, this is true, especially (but not limited to) situations where parents and children are different colors. Incidentally, this left us in a bind this morning when we were at (of all places) World Market, and saw the most adorable African-American little girl with white parents. (Why we were at World Market the last Saturday before Christmas is another story.) We chose to resist the temptation to approach these parents and tell them a.) how beautiful their little girl was b.) ask if they had adopted her and from where, and c.) announce that we, too, are attempting to adopt a child of a different race. After taking a moment to reflect on all of the videos warning us NOT to approach people and tell them how beautiful their children are, or ask about their situations, we were able to hold our inappropriate selves back. So we bought our cheap wine and half-priced Christmas wrappings and left. (This was not the case this summer when, despite my husband's attempts to stop me, I chased a family down the block at a festival in Golden to learn that they had just brought their adorable son back from Haiti. In my defense, this was before the videos.)
But these rules to "not" communicate confuse and frustrate me. I mean, the pregnant women get a "club". All of my pregnant friends have told me of this club - where in restrooms they discuss due dates, cravings and probable lactation problems with total strangers who are also obviously pregnant. Parents with infants have this same club - I have seen and admired it from afar... So where is our club? I want a club! Shouldn't World Market be our club? Where we can discuss our referral dates, trade Ethnic recipes and calm fears with total strangers whose families happen to look like us?
All of this does make me wonder... if these are people with whom we have something so deep in common - what is OK to say? What's not OK? What about our friends and families - they have questions, too! Perhaps it depends on the spirit in which questions are asked or statements are made? Or the personalities of the people in the situation? How will we feel if and when we ever get our child home?
Please bear with me if I am unable to contain my enthusiasm and curiosity about your beautiful and unique family and I say stupid but really well-intentioned things.
9 comments:
Good questions. Maybe there should be fines for getting out of line. Of course that's subjective. And likely costly for us. Perhaps self-deprecating lead-ins....
It's a very interesting topic. My kids are from Vietnam and Nepal (I'm very blessed). I find that most people are just curious about us and as long as they ask tactfully or not in front of the kids, I don't mind at all answering questions. I enjoy talking to other families who are in the adoption process. I can't really say how exactly to approach people, but if your heart is in the right place, that's all that matters. It's nice to ask about their daughter's heritage or ethnicity. If they don't want to talk, they don't have. You could say that you are wanting to expand your family and you think their daughter is beautiful. I don't always like the word "adoption" in front of my son. I use it with him, but so far, he doesn't really know what it means. So the older my kids get, the more I want to protect what they hear. On the other hand, I need to set an example for how to respond. They have to respond for themselves someday. As long as people aren't rude, I don't mind being approached at all.
I agree with Mindee. As long as the questions are nice and you can usually tell from the person's demeanor upfront. If they make eye contact, you can usually say something. I do not like it when people ask, "what is she?" umm a) human b) american first.. second she was born in China. It is hard to try and instill in your adopted child that s/he is American first, then Chinese/VN/ Nepalese.. whatever Ethnicity. Only one person in 5 years has asked me her Ethnicity. They all ask what is she. She is not a breed of dog. So be nice, tell them you are also adopting and super excited and go with it.. then see how much they share.And don't beat yourself up- we all did it the first time around, asked maybe the wrong question or hunted someone down!!
xoxoxo- we are excited for you!!
You raise quite good questions. I, too, have been known to probably be a little more forward than I should have but you are correct about the "club". PAPs need one too and it's a shame that fear keeps us from sharing. Your other commenters have good advice it seems--I will use it in the future as well!
I boldly approached a woman who, it turns out, had an adorable little boy from Guatemala. She was happy to talk - especially knew I was "in the club" and had a failed international adoption.
Great post!!
I think if you are in process or are an adoptive parent already, it's okay to approach. There is a club and you already belong to it! We too had to let our Nepal dream go. However, we've just returned from China this month with a beautiful little girl through the SN program. I firmly believe this was always our path. I look forward to following your Ethiopian journey.
I remember wondering about this too. Because I had said some stupid things to people (definitely in the vein of "where's SHE from?" before watching the videos! Then I was overly concious of not saying something dumb. But being on the other side now I don't mind at all when people approach us to ask about Ariam. A smile and sincerity go a long way. I usually assume that people are asking as potential adoptive parents and you are right, we do deserve a club!!!!
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