994 days.

"Request for additional document"

That's how our response from the Embassy subject line read. Although they're really requesting more information not another document. But I won't go into the poor grammar in our email from the last week. That's the least of my complaints.

Let me make it clear - I support the transparent and ethical processing of adoption files. I am not suggesting that we be able to bring our son home in the event that there's any indication he has family in Ethiopia who want to, and are capable of, raising him. If in the event this second investigation did uncover that type of information, it would absolutely crush us, but we would do what we could to support him and help him get an education if possible.

Here's the thing. I have been on the phone much of the last 2 business days with our agency, various government offices, and finally, today - I talked to the "Country Officer for Ethiopia Policy Issues" in DC. What I have learned, boiled down and in my words, is that there is a misunderstanding of requirements for files being presented to Embassy. This Embassy contact - who was very nice - assured me they've done in-person training workshops in Ethiopia, with adoption agencies and care centers. Our agency says no new requirements have been communicated. Ummmm.....THERE IS A PROBLEM HERE PEOPLE. While the contact at the Embassy said there are not new requirements for these files, she did say "there is an additional layer of scrutiny" (i.e. new requirements!?!?). 

The math makes sense. A seemingly undefined "additional layer of scrutiny" + recent new staff at the Embassy in ET (i.e. people wanting to prove themselves, therefore asking, in many instances, for files to be completely re-assembled with information that may or may not have been originally required when the file was put together, and in some cases is already in the file) = BUREAUCRATIC BS KEEPING OUR SON, AND MANY CHILDREN IN AN ORPHANAGE FOR HOW MUCH LONGER??

The in-country agencies and care centers are now having to go back and get additional information on nearly every file. This is a resource strain on an already challenged infrastructure. Does this mean my child is held less because someone has to go dig up more information? Fed less, because they have to pay for the gas to drive to his birth town and get additional details? If you haven't been - telecommunications in Ethiopia are semi-existent in the best case scenario. So with this in mind, is it a leap to assume the care centers and agencies in Ethiopia, would, in their best interests, provide the required information the first time if they were crystal clear on what those requirements were? Maybe not. I don't know.

None of the cases that have been under the "additional layer of scrutiny" have been denied. That's good news. But. This is sounding more and more like NEPAL. And it makes me sick.

Once again: I support transparent, ethical adoptions, and children growing up in their families of origin. What I do not support is poor communication, finger-pointing and witch-hunts as the rule and not the exception - all resulting in children being institutionalized endlessly.

Ok (stepping off soapbox). I'll funnel this energy into something positive. Just had to vent.

/ˈkrāzē/

cra·zy / Adjective: senseless; impractical; totally unsound. (The state of Anne these days...)

I may be crazy but it keeps me from going insane.
-Waylon Jennings

Really good stuff.

We FINALLY took our infant/child CPR class on Saturday. One more crazy-long CD of at-home training and we're finished with our training! We also made another trip to IKEA to get a dresser that will also function as a changing table. Once we get that built we should be finished, at long last, with his room! 

While at IKEA (which also happens to be my own personal hell) we got Samuel his very own Jackson. And the moment I picked it up and Terry couldn't, or wouldn't, say "no" - I loved my husband more than ever. You see, he'll complain about spending too much, we have too much crap, spending too much, we have too much crap, on and on (and I agree). But I know that he let me take that $15.00 huge golden-retriever stuffed animal that WE DO NOT NEED AT ALL, without protest, to the cashier because he loves both our golden, and our little boy so much. I'll never forget that moment.THAT is who I am lucky enough to be married to.

And - we got our monthly update (about a month late) from the orphanage. He's growing and gaining weight. And in one of the pictures, Samuel is SMILING! (We have video of him smiling, but this is the first documented photograph of the elusive Samuel Stone smile. And it's a spectacular, silly, toothless baby grin that I wish I could post and I look at at least 50 times a day.) I don't think there's anything that could have made me happier than that picture and my husband's heart this weekend. Such good stuff.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours?

If you're reading this and I don't have your blog posted in my blog roll, can you please comment with your blog address? I want to be sure and post.

Thanks!

Another milestone passed!

We learned yesterday (with great joy!) that our baby boy's paperwork was submitted to the US Embassy in Ethiopia on September 1. (SO HAPPY!)

This marks (what we hope is) the final leg of our long journey. The embassy will review his file once it crosses their desks (we have no idea how many cases are in front of us). They'll set an appointment/date for us to return to Addis, meet with the embassy and bring our son home. Or, they'll request more information on his case. The timing here is completely unknown. BEST FREAKY CRAZY MIRACLE time-frame scenario would be a phone call with good news in just a few weeks. I won't write worst case, cause that's not where my energy's going.

I would like to humbly request a freaky, crazy, beautiful, sudden miracle, please! (But then again, he is our miracle, so is it even fair to ask for another?!)

Regression then progression...

That was SOME regression on my last post. (Yep, I'm having a tough time.) I appreciate your comments, insights and support more than you know. It's what gets me through some of the harder days. Thanks, y'all.

SO. I'm now pulling myself together, sorting baby/toddler clothes, writing thank you notes, working on his room, and assuming this is all going to continue to come together. (Yes - I did iron 2 tiny little denim/chambray shirts. I'm a bit obsessive about ironing. No, I don't expect I'll have time for this once he gets home. Come to think of it, I'm a bit obsessive about writing thank you notes, too, but have been a dismal failure this time around. I blame it on the giardina still making me feel like crud, combined with some stuff at work that has been all-consuming, including layoffs and budget cuts...UGH. But this isn't a work blog...)

Anyway - I have picked out what I want him to wear home, and have started packing his bag. The law of attraction, right? RIGHT????

One must arrive in Colorado in true Colorado style. Yes, his name is on his REI vest - thanks, Nona!

Good to be comfy on the plane, AND make a statement :)

We'll have to have a few alternates, because he does poop a lot. I got this groovy T in Austria the month we learned about Sam. March. (Ahem.)

Oh, Terry beckons for help with the glider. Over and out.

Unbearable.

Not a word this week. No news. I have a very unsettled feeling - things have shifted and I am terrified of the wait. We thought we'd be headed back soon. His paperwork hasn't even gone to the US Embassy yet - and that could still take - I can't even think about the time frames much less commit to writing them.

While a few weeks ago all I could do was think about him, look at pictures, watch videos of our meetings, wash his clothes and prepare his room, talk about him endlessly...now I can't. I can't bring myself to do any of it. His bedroom door is closed and I can't bear to open it. I have taken pictures down, he's not on my desk or my phone wallpaper or in my conversations. It hurts too much.

I know this may be hard to understand. I don't understand it, either. Don't judge me, it doesn't mean I don't love him. Had I not been through what we've been through I would think to people like me: "just a little while longer, he's yours - you should be thrilled". It hurts too much to know much he has changed so much since we saw him, and will change so much before we see him again. He'll be a toddler when we get him home. Not a baby. This tears me apart into a million pieces.

My husband wrote to me: "I love that your mothering instincts are so strong that it hurts when you can't (yet)". Yes. It hurts. It hurts unlike anything I've ever felt.

I want to scream and throw things and curse the governments and the gods. And some days I do. Other days I feed my sorrow and giardia with sugar or lose myself by working too much. I don't want to feel.

Why am I so crazy?  He's teething. He's trying to crawl. He's alone. He has dozens of different caregivers. I can't hold him. I can't look in his eyes. He's been in an orphanage since he was a month old. He has a cough, he has giardia. He's scared. What is being in the orphanage these extra months doing to him? He's there, we're here, he's not getting enough food, love, eye contact, stimulation, tummy time...I can't feel him anymore. He's too far away. He's so far away.