Not a word this week. No news. I have a very unsettled feeling - things have shifted and I am terrified of the wait. We thought we'd be headed back soon. His paperwork hasn't even gone to the US Embassy yet - and that could still take - I can't even think about the time frames much less commit to writing them.
While a few weeks ago all I could do was think about him, look at pictures, watch videos of our meetings, wash his clothes and prepare his room, talk about him endlessly...now I can't. I can't bring myself to do any of it. His bedroom door is closed and I can't bear to open it. I have taken pictures down, he's not on my desk or my phone wallpaper or in my conversations. It hurts too much.
I know this may be hard to understand. I don't understand it, either. Don't judge me, it doesn't mean I don't love him. Had I not been through what we've been through I would think to people like me: "just a little while longer, he's yours - you should be thrilled". It hurts too much to know much he has changed so much since we saw him, and will change so much before we see him again. He'll be a toddler when we get him home. Not a baby. This tears me apart into a million pieces.
I know this may be hard to understand. I don't understand it, either. Don't judge me, it doesn't mean I don't love him. Had I not been through what we've been through I would think to people like me: "just a little while longer, he's yours - you should be thrilled". It hurts too much to know much he has changed so much since we saw him, and will change so much before we see him again. He'll be a toddler when we get him home. Not a baby. This tears me apart into a million pieces.
My husband wrote to me: "I love that your mothering instincts are so strong that it hurts when you can't (yet)". Yes. It hurts. It hurts unlike anything I've ever felt.
I want to scream and throw things and curse the governments and the gods. And some days I do. Other days I feed my sorrow and giardia with sugar or lose myself by working too much. I don't want to feel.
Why am I so crazy? He's teething. He's trying to crawl. He's alone. He has dozens of different caregivers. I can't hold him. I can't look in his eyes. He's been in an orphanage since he was a month old. He has a cough, he has giardia. He's scared. What is being in the orphanage these extra months doing to him? He's there, we're here, he's not getting enough food, love, eye contact, stimulation, tummy time...I can't feel him anymore. He's too far away. He's so far away.
I want to scream and throw things and curse the governments and the gods. And some days I do. Other days I feed my sorrow and giardia with sugar or lose myself by working too much. I don't want to feel.
Why am I so crazy? He's teething. He's trying to crawl. He's alone. He has dozens of different caregivers. I can't hold him. I can't look in his eyes. He's been in an orphanage since he was a month old. He has a cough, he has giardia. He's scared. What is being in the orphanage these extra months doing to him? He's there, we're here, he's not getting enough food, love, eye contact, stimulation, tummy time...I can't feel him anymore. He's too far away. He's so far away.
8 comments:
I don't know what to write. Here's me, a stranger, feeling so badly about this and genuinely wishing you get your news, your child, and fast. I can't imagine anyone is judging you for holding your breath -- which is what a closed door and some face-down pictures remind me of. But part of being a mom is that feeling thar everyone is judging you!
This will work. It has to. You're ready. He's ready. I'm not much of a praying person except when I want something. I just gave it a shot,though, on behalf of your family.
Anne- I lit a candle for you.. I can feel your pain through your post and I am so sorry that I don't have anything better to give to you but to say that while all those feelings are real and true they don't make you a lesser mom, woman, person.. but they make you just like the rest of us in a terrible time- our backs against the wall- desperate to make things happen.. hang on..
I know how hard this is. Our thoughts are with the 3 of you.
I will pray for you....you have helped me to remember the pain. When I remember the pain I am a better mother....
It is amazing how this journey can reduce us to act like children. I want to hit or bang something. Stick out my tongue, have a meltdown and scream that is not fair! Someone once told me who is also waiting that the emotions we are going through will only make us more able to have compassion for our children when they grieve their losses. I don't judge you at all. Grieve with everything in you. Then when your son is home and he is grieving, your mama's heart will understand him in ways you never would have been able to. You are going to be an amazing mom, I just know it!
Hoping the unbearable will soon (VERY soon) be a distant memory. Can't wait to meet the little one.
Okay. Deep breath. Unbearably hard is an understatement. But right now, I am going to try to give you something to hold on to, okay? Because really, that is all there is to do at this point. When my son was born, I got to see him for one day. He was only 3 pounds, had a horrible hernia, and needed oxygen. He was sick. The next day, I came down with an unexplained fever. The fever lasted for 6 days. He was down the hall from me in the NICU with no windows. I was not allowed to see him for those days. Six days is not nearly the time of your wait, but I am telling this because the stories do parallel in some ways. I can't put into words the anguish I felt - surely what you feel. But I can say this, I truly believe that feeling... that raw, maternal, instinctual love that I felt while we were apart put my bond to him on a different level. I think about that time apart still so often. He actually likes to hear the story and how I cried every minute being apart. I think it makes him appreciate my love and bond to him. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I think it will when you finally have him in your arms. And finally - YOU..WILL..GET...HIM..HOME. He..IS..YOUR..SON! I know our stories make us not trust anything, but your court and embassy are just during the worst part of the year. No doubt, he is being loved and forming bonds at his care center. Just hold on, Ann. It will happen. It will!!!! (oh, and that email I sent - disregard. I had no idea how much you were struggling, so all I need is to drag you through my mud! :) )
Right now I am thinking the hardest part is just waiting and I don't yet realize it is much harder to wait once you know who your child is. I can feel your pain and your desire to just hear something to let you know where you are in this process. Telling you to be patient and it will happen doesn't take away any of the heartache. You are entitled to every emotion you are having. I do sincerely hope and pray that you hear something soon.
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