This pup.

Many times in the last year or two I've sat down to write about my love affair with this pup. But each time, before I get very far, tears blur my eyes so I can't see the screen. He is simply the most unconditionally loving and gentle soul I've ever experienced.

Jackson has been my best friend for almost 10 years. I inherited him when I met Terry. At first - we didn't click. But over the years he's become my hiking buddy, my couch buddy, my confidant and my love.

It's hard to see your pup age. He has trouble getting up. His muzzle is more and more white. I know that the addition of Sam has been hard on him most of all, and it breaks my heart to have made such a profoundly hard change to his life in his late years. He wags less, he goes away to find a quiet place more. I'm sorry, fluffernutter.

So: to my pup for the time we have left: I promise to love on you every day, punkin pie. I promise to take you swimming when it's too hot to hike, and take you hiking when it's not, puppernuter squash. I promise to scratch your chin they way I know you love it, furry. I promise to pay attention to all that you've tried to teach me (and I've mostly avoided), Flurry McFluffersston. I love you, pup. Thank you for everything you bring to our lives.

I will close this post with a note from a fellow dog lover, my good friend Ross, who recently wrote me a note when I was feeling sad about Jackson aging. (Please read with a British accent):

He's a grand old man, and getting grey around the muzzle as he helps the next generation grow up grounded and balanced. That's the badge of honour for a dog, and he wears it well. It's natural, it's doesn't feel good, but it's how life is. His life has built up to helping Sam come through. Don't believe in heaven or hell, but I do believe in a big dog park in the sky. If it ain't there, I don't want to go.

March 22, 2011

One year ago today, we got the call.

On March 22, 2011 at just before 2pm, I was in my office at work, giving a yearly performance review to one of my team members, Lisa. My cell phone rang and I glanced down at it - feeling guilty because I know it must annoy Lisa that I'm such a chronic multi-tasker...especially during a review. I saw the area code was "503". Within 1/2 second the following went through my mind: "Hmm, that's the area code of the adoption agency." Hmmm. "Maybe it's a customer from Oregon, and not the agency?" Hmmmm! "Do I answer?" Hmmmmmm? "Good Lord, Anne - it's Lisa's review for crying out loud, Anne - focus! Just ignore the call, it has only been 2 and a half months since our paperwork was submitted. We'll be lucky if we get a referral by July." HMMMMMMMMMMM. "But wait - I really think it's the agency!! - I have to answer!"

(Background - we had worked out the "communication plan" prior to the call - keep in mind - this was back when referrals were coming much faster than they are today. The agency had a policy that they'd only call my cell phone if it was THE CALL. They didn't want to get parents all excited every time their cell phone rang with the agency's number. So the plan was that the agency would call mommy on my cell phone for "the call" when we got a match, and we'd conference Terry in.)

Back to the call, my phone has rung 3 times, I must make a decision! I said: "Lisa - I'm sorry - but I think this is the area code for the adoption agency. I have to answer this." She nodded.

Now. You have to know Lisa - she is a wonderful and caring person - and foremost an amazing mom. AND - she worked for me when we started the Nepal process, and was physically with me when I got the news that Nepal had shut down. She was already a part of our adoption story, and about to become more so...

(AND HERE'S THE GOOD PART!!)

So I answered. And I heard in a singsong voice: "Hi Anne, this is Tammi! We need to get Terry on the phone!". My jaw dropped. My body froze. I knew that instant that this was THE CALL. I looked at Lisa. I remember her face: hopeful. I teared up, and barely uttered "Are you telling me we have a referral?" (And I tear up writing this.) "Yes, she said, I am." (OMG. Emotions raced through me that I can't explain, but I remember vividly.) She continued: "I'm going to go on the other line and call Terry."

The following things all happened within 3 minutes: I started crying. Lisa started crying. Of course the agency disconnected me. I told Lisa - who was nearly as emotional and in shock as I was - that I needed a minute. Lisa left. I put my head down on the desk for a minute and cried. I picked up my cell and called Terry. No answer, of course. I called him again. No answer. I called a third time and he answered with a bit of concern in his voice: "Is everything ok?" I blurted out: "We got a referral!" I was sobbing and he couldn't understand. "What?" He said? "We got a referral", I tried to repeat - but I couldn't talk. I tried one more time: "Call Tammi, and call me back. We got a referral". His response "What??!! Oh my God. Really? Well what did she say..." Me: "TERRY CALL TAMMI AND CALL ME BACK!!!" I hang up on him for the first time in our relationship.

I crawled up on to my desk to be closer to my window since I don't have good cell reception in my office. FINALLY my phone rang - it was Tami. Terry was on the line. She said: "Well, what do you want to know?" "EVERYTHING!" I responded. So she told us that we were matched with a little boy, 5 & 1/2 months. And his name is Samuel. She told us pictures are on the way. OMG pictures - we get to see him, NOW? My hand was shaking as tears streamed down my face and I clicked on her email. And there he was. The most beautiful, tiny little guy. His eyes were, and still are, piercing - alert, aware and saying "I'm here, world. I'm here, Mama! Where are you?"

The rest of the conversation is mush to me now. I just stared at the baby boy on my screen. I remember, as Terry asked details, saying "I have to go!" and hanging up. (I laugh at this now. That is so me. Immediate action, I had to go prepare for this baby.)

I went to Lisa's office. I told her we had a referral. I didn't tell her that he was a he, or anything else, but I said that I had to go. She hugged me, we both cried more. I don't cry at the office as a rule - and in a miracle I saw no one else during this time. And I will always chuckle that Lisa knew about our baby before Terry by a few minutes. She'll forever have a place in our story.

I went to my car and called Terry back. He told me the additional information about where Samuel was from, etc. We agreed we'd call our families that day, but would wait to tell anyone else and wouldn't update my blog for a while. We called families.

I remember so clearly. I remember bursting with joy. I remember needing to get to Terry as soon as possible. I remember needing to make lists, organize and prepare. And I remember looking at Samuel's pictures every few minutes and reading the paperwork over and over. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life - that call.

Yee-haw!

Giddy-up cowboy! With the beautiful weather over the last few days, we've had some great time hiking and going to the playground up the trail from our house. It's so nice to be outside!

Samwell (how we pronounce his name - the Ethiopian way) is continuing to thrive. He's such a walker now! Our baby has become a toddler seemingly overnight. It's amazing how when he started to walk, not only his world, but his little body just stretched out. He seems taller/longer. He's a good sleeper, we're lucky and we know it will probably change. At night, I pull him out of his crib for cuddle time while he's sleeping. I lay with him on my chest for :30 minutes or so. He sleeps right through it, but somehow I hope he knows his mama's holding him, and that it's making up for lost time... it's my favorite part of the day. He's too busy to cuddle much during the day, so this is "our time".

Samwell's new-found walking and freedom has resulted in road rash on his forehead, and more than one busted lip. Despite the blood - he's such a super-happy and super-busy little guy. Besides walking, his other favorite past-time is throwing things. Mostly blocks and food. So, we're working on this... it's ok to throw a ball for the dog, and throw soft things. It is not ok to throw sweet potatoes at the wall or blocks at your dog. The learning continues. On both sides.

Meanwhile, mommy is adjusting to being back at work full-time, which has gone well, I just miss the little dude. I'm about to start traveling for business again - so I'm a little worried about that... And daddy's business is doing well - more than expected new projects coming in, so we're having to re-think having Sam in daycare or with a nanny more than we'd planned for his first year home. Samwell is a total extrovert, so that might not be such a bad thing. We're thinking of having him with the nanny - who also takes care of 2 other little ones, for 4 days a week, (only 5 hours a day), instead of our original plan of 2 days a week. The good thing is that Terry is right next-door in his office, so he's not far away and checks in on Samwell a few times a day. But oh my...the guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I guess that's what it's all about. Adjusting and altering course as we go. And letting go of the guilt.

Sam I am. (And wild turkeys.)

Sam continues to thrive and become more and more, well, Sam. I don't think, in our wildest dreams, we could have imagined we'd be blessed with such an amazing little soul to help learn to live and love. His personality is just huge and beautiful.

Sam continues to be happy, willful, chirpy, funny as all get out, curious, busy and more and more loving each day. (Did I mention happy?) He's big into swimming, his music class, throwing things, meeting new people, mimicking us - but also making up his own little language through which he expresses himself all day, and walking and more walking.

We had our first "date" last night as Terry's mom (Mupper) is in town. It was great to have some time alone, but of course we spent much of the night talking about Samuel and wondering if he was driving his grandmother crazy. Turns out "he was perfect" and she loved the time with him. I have been really, really feeling the sadness of being so far away from our families right now. It breaks my heart that they're all a plane ride - or two - away. And my goal this year is to have Samuel with his grandparents and aunts, uncles & cousins as much as we possibly can.

Here are a few videos from recent escapades with our little Ham.

Sam's first time swimming. Loves it. Loves going under, loves splashing, loves jumping off the side to mommy and daddy.

Fun at the playground. Also loves the slide, the swings and the dirt.

Sam being a ham! I'm not sure exactly what he's doing, but he loves to take his cups and crawl straight-legged. It's really, really weird. And really, really funny.

In the most random of segues, it's the year of the turkey here in Golden, Colorado. (Last year was the year of the mountain lion.) There's a herd of 11 wild turkeys taking over the neighborhood. This is all fine and good until they eat my garden or clematis. Then, they're roasted.