I've taken down the shrine in our empty room. That's too hard to look at, too. They say when one door closes, another opens. Nepal closed (OK, slammed shut right smack in our faces). We've not yet found our next "door".
I think - no, I know - we're going through the stages of mourning and just can't determine next steps yet. It's too soon. I thought I would bounce right back. I was wrong. I've been wrong about a lot lately.
We've looked very closely at Korea, Ethiopia and even might consider domestic. But first, time to heal. All I know for now is that while I haven't carried our Nepal child in my tummy, I have carried that child in my heart every moment for 18 months. And losing a child is painful as hell.
And what they say about hell: if you're going through it, keep going. I'm going. And going. And going.
Namaste
6 comments:
My heart goes out to you guys. While I'm heartbroken to hear the news about Nepal, I'm glad to see you've put a face on your blog. Perhaps that's the first step to healing.
Have you considered India? That's where we're adopting from (my husband is Hindu).
Keep your hearts open, you will have a family soon.
Nice to put a face to your writing! I have enjoyed your journey and I am sending all my best wishes that you will find that next door and that it will be wide open with flowers and good food (not to mention your baby) on the other side!
I'm glad to see you still writing... it's really helpful for me as well. I hope you can get through this mourning period ok- it's been a tough one. I know I am off and running (again) but this really does fell like I lost a kid. Weird.
Keep your chin up as best you can, and know you're not in this alone.
~Erin
www.eecarson.wordpress.com
"I think - no, I know - we're going through the stages of mourning and just can't determine next steps yet. It's too soon. I thought I would bounce right back. I was wrong. I've been wrong about a lot lately." I could have wrote this too. How do I pick up the pieces? How do I know which direction to go? What country will the DOS go after next? Should we even try to adopt again? Writing is therapeutic for me also. Reading where others are at helps me also. It is good to just know I'm not alone in my feelings. Keep writing! Some people may not understand, but yes this is a death not of just a dream, but the child we thought we were going to hold in our arms. Yes, both of us might adopt and hold our child in our arms someday, but it will not be from Nepal. That is the grief that only people who have gone through this can understand. Grief is so lonely. I have some special friends that are supporting me, but you have to face many feelings and stages of the mourning by yourself. Thanks for putting yourself out there.
Lisa
sending out peaceful thoughts to you and your husband. It is true that when one door shuts another opens- it is so tough to keep your eyes looking ahead when your heart is so sad and wants only to look back. Cheers to your tomorrow- wishing you success in your new path- when the time is right you will know.
Peace and Hope to you both
Becca
I'm right there with you, sister. I thought I'd be better by now, but last week it even seemed to get worse.
We were presented with the idea of adopting from Taiwan last week, and though on the surface it seems like it might be a good fit, it seems too soon to make a decision. I think it is just going to be a while and when it's time to move on to something else, we'll know....
Praying that for you too, and for comfort in the meantime.
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