This is big stuff.

Two years ago Thanksgiving day, we welcomed Samuel into our home. It was one of the most amazing days of my life. I don't think anything could have prepared us for the job of parenting, or for this amazing child. It has been the hardest and happiest 2 years of my life.

Sam - I still call you bright eyes - as there's so much life in your eyes, and in you. And I still call you pork chop, or chop, or choppy, even though you're longer and leaner now, not shaped like a pork chop. You are funny, silly, scary-smart, quick-tempered, sweet, curious, a bit defiant, easily scared, talkative (non-stop), creative and loving. You are just the person I saw in your eyes in the first pictures of you. I believe the universe sent you to me to make me a better person.

In the past two years, you have not only learned to walk and talk, but you've learned to love and trust. While it's miraculous by most standards that at 37 months you know all of your letters and are starting to spell, it's more miraculous that you are so happy. And while it's amazing that you can recite more than 30 of your books as we read them, it's more amazing that you're letting our love in, and loving back.

You and I are a lot alike, baby. We have our control battles, big time. Learning to parent you with acceptance and compassion, rather than control and anger is changing me as a person. I have lots of work to do, and lots of room to improve. I'm taking piano lessons so you grow up around music. I'm doing volunteer work for Ethiopia so you learn to know the importance of giving, and your birth country.

My hope for you, baby boy, is that you continue to grow into a happy and kind young man. I'll help as much as I can.

Happy 2 years as a family!

It's not you... it's me. Really.

Attachment goes both ways. Why has this been a lesson so long in coming?

It took me a big ole' smack down from the universe to see that I am a (big) part of the connection/attachment challenges in our family. And while the smack down still stings (did I mention it was/is a big smack down?) I'm so thrilled that I have a renewed commitment and energy to continuing to build my relationship with my son and learning to be a better mama. And I do see him reacting positively to changes I'm working hard to make. Parenting kids from hard places is harder than I'd ever imagined. To be continued... for the rest of my life.

In other news, Sam just turned 3! And, as everyone promised, 3 is looking to be harder than 2. He's very, um, strong willed. And persistent. And strong willed. He's also silly, funny and still a great sleeper, especially at night. He knows is colors, numbers, letters and he knows left from right. He's super duper smart. He loves to read and has most of his books memorized. He loves cars, trucks, transporters, taxi cabs and you name the construction vehicle - or any vehicle for that matter. Unfortunately, along with such intellectual excellence, does not come potty training. Not. Even. Close. Ugh. Again, to be continued...

Confessions of a not good mom.

If you're an adoptive parent (AP) you have been to the classes. You know, the ones that, if you're like me, you kinda glossed over. The hard stuff. Your child will have attachment issues. (No! We're adopting a young child, so he/she will attach pretty easily!) Your child might have sensory issues due to the complete lack of sensory stimulation growing up in an orphanage. (No! We chose our country carefully so we know that our child is coming from a place where he/she was loved!) There will be racial issues. (Ok, we're not there just yet...)

Our son is amazing. He's full of life, and funny, and wicked smart - likely very gifted. He's curious, a great sleeper, a good eater, and can be very sweet. And. He's hard. Really hard. I did now know how hard until recently - because my world imploded a bit, showing me I'm not in control, at all.

Attachment stuff. Sensory stuff. Trauma stuff. Enough said if you know those words. And here's my tell-all moment. I don't know how to be a mother.  I was the primary breadwinner for the first 18+ months we had Sam home. This allowed me to be very strategic about when I spent time with this child who is increasingly hard to parent. Working in a high-power job was the perfect excuse to not have to be home or to soften or to really understand Sam's needs. (Don't judge.) And, Terry spent a month with him in Ethiopia - so those two were super-bonded, and I didn't want to interrupt that. (How convenient!)

Insert wrecking ball, universe wanting to teach lessons, middle-age life-changer - you name it. Things have changed in our household. Now, I'm the primary parent.

Annnndd, I suck at this. I am not calm. He needs calm. I am not creative. He needs creative. I am reading books on sensory and attachment stuff, seeking out energy work and calming techniques and googling "how not to react when your child hits you in the face" and "why is my 3-year old so scared/angry?". I am deep breathing, I am putting sticky notes up reminding me not to yell and quoting calm, spiritual people. I am rocking him, reading to him, singing and dancing with him, coloring with him, crawling with him, feeding him healthy food, trying desperately to help him calm. And, it's not working. I am not calm enough to help him calm down. I'm supposed to regulate his emotions and I can't even regulate my own, much less his. Give me a team of 10 marketing people to organize, restructure and optimize - I'm your gal. Ask me to fix a business problem, done. Put me with a very challenging almost 3-year-old, I'm a mess.

I look at women who have that "natural mother" gene, and I'm perplexed and sad. Why didn't I get it? How come I can't soothe this child? Why do I get so easily effected when he's upset, rather than being that "rock in the river" I'm supposed to be, and that he so desperately needs? I thought when he came, that natural mother thing would appear. It didn't. And, he always wants his baba (father). He cries for him and tells me "I want baba, not mama." Talk about crushing a mama's heart...

What helps? What works? My mom's group, melatonin, singing and a weighted blanket. Those the the things that are working. Hopefully, we'll have more tools come our way.

Home 18 months.

I have nothing profound to write, just that we are settling in as a family. 

It's been a rough few months for each of us, with different challenges individually and collectively. We're working through it - and in many ways - the difficulty of what we've each been going through, and what we've been going through together, has brought us all closer. After all, no one ever said it would be easy. 

Sam has been afraid of a lot lately, and struggling with a few new things. Mostly normal 2 1/2 year-old stuff - and then some. His fear is giving us a chance to pick him up and reassure him. An adoptive mama can understand the blissful feeling when a child finally lets himself "melt into you" after almost a year and a half. (OK - I lied, that is pretty profound, right?) 

When Sam cries in the middle of the night and says "mama, I'm scared", I welcome it, (almost hope for it once in a while, as strange as that sounds) because I know picking him up and rocking him back to sleep is soothing deep fears we'll never understand. I still take him out of his crib 3-4 nights a week for a midnight rock with mama. He used to fuss a bit, but now he snuggles right in. I know, deep in me, that this ritual over the last 18 months has been healing for both of us. The only problem is that he's getting so big, it's hard to lay with him on my chest in the rocker, much less get him back in the crib!

Otherwise, as spring gives way to summer, we spend as much time outside as possible throwing rocks in the creek, playing in dirt and doing little-boy stuff. I try to get Sam to rock his animals and give them a bottle. This lasts for about :30 seconds and he's back to cars and trucks. He named the baby bear we got for his best friend blue bear, "truck bear". This kid is ALL boy. It's not going to be too much longer before he resists putting on lipstick with mama in the morning. I wish we were younger, or we'd started sooner - it'd be fun to have a sibling for Sam. But we're pretty sure the Stones are only going to have one pebble, and what an amazing little pebble he is.

Mama's favorite...beautiful boy.

 Construction site fun - playing in the dirt.

(It is an awfully nice mama who spends her Saturday morning at the construction site, I might add...)

Bubble hat.

Just before he put the stick in his mouth. 

Is it too early to be hoping for a scholarship?

Ebbs and Flows.

It helped to write that last post - and especially to hear comments from my blog friends. And as my mother always told me - things are usually better in the morning.

I've reached out to a few other adoptive mothers and seems what we're experiencing lately is more the norm than not. This seems to be true especially for boys, and especially for adopted kiddos. (That's not to say that people with biological kids do not experience major drama during the 2-4 year age, it's more that I connect more with adoptive parents, because we share a more similar experience.) We have a great therapist with whom we work (she specializes in adoption/attachment). She promised me, during an "emergency" visit - that yes, although right now Sam is a very hard little dude, that doesn't mean he will always be this way. And that these are tough years, and having a 2.5-year-old little boy who is also has significant trauma in their past often gives parents the great pleasure of experiencing the terrible twos and threes "on steroids". At least I know I'm not alone, and I'm not crazy.  So we'll continue to seek ways to help him, and help us. And we'll enjoy the good times and try to stress less about the hard times. (And I'll pray to all the mothers before me to help me continue to find my elusive inner Zen Mama.)


Sam is growing like a weed - and the most "full of life" person I know. When it's happiness he's full of - which is a lot, he is an absolute joy. He's funny, silly and active. He's very active. (Did I mention he's active?) He's talking up a storm - it's so fun to get to know him through language. He is obsessed wtih cars, trains, airplanes and all boy stuff. His ideal day would involve a lot of time in a parking garage, hours throwing rocks into the creek, multiple emergency vehicle viewings (with sirens), no nap, a long bubble bath, and some good reading time.

Here are a few pics since I last posted.

Easter eggs - first chocolate!

Mud, tractor, water, awesome.

Channeling that Zen Mama.

Just silly. That's all.

Throwing rocks in the creek.

Is it me, or does he look 5 here?!

Still a silly porkchop.

The hard parts.

I feel guilty for what I'm about to write. I'll probably end up deleting it.

Yes, we went through a lot have a family. More than most, not as much as some. And...

It's hard. And I feel like I can't share the hard parts, because I've been met with comments that indicate I should just be happy that we have such an amazing son because, after all, isn't this what we wanted for so long and we worked so long to have?

Lots of things are true. We really worked hard for more than 3 years to have a child. He's amazing and we're incredibly blessed. And, this is hard.

Our little dude is having a rough time. He's terrified of so much all of the sudden - loud noises, people, the dark...and many things he can't name. He's also testing boundaries, saying "no" to nearly everything, and having many temper tantrums many times daily. He's throwing, yelling, screaming, testing, hitting, whining, screaming. A lot. The defiance is really shredding me to pieces. He's still our amazing funny, silly little guy - but more often than not right now it's like a monster has taken him over.

We went to a BBQ tonight with some good friends who also have kids from Ethiopia. Sam has seen these kids and people many times, and been to this house - although not in a few months. We talked about the BBQ all day. He was excited to see friends and new toys. We got there and he screamed bloody murder about everything. Didn't want to go outside, didn't want to stay inside, didn't want to see the kids, didn't want to be held, wanted daddy then wanted mama. He saw an older boy that he has seen multiple times before (and who is a doll) and came running to me - screaming - then said "I don't like him." He fussed about his food, he ignored everything I told or asked him to do, resulting in him falling out of his chair and banging his head pretty good. (Fortunately, these were people who have adopted as well, so they understand the big emotions that any kids - sometimes especially adopted kids - have, and I got great support from the other parents.)

Sam finally came over and got into my lap and said "I'm scared. Go to our house."We had already decided it was time to cut our losses - but it was very interesting to me that Sam was able to a.) express that he was afraid and 2.) ask to go home - he usually cries when we do go home! We have only seen him this completely dis-regulated one other time, just last week when my parents arrived for a visit. It was a nightmare - I was so embarrassed. Of course my parents are the best and they were supportive - but I know they didn't want to be around him because he was just so hard and having tantrums about every little thing. That's a horrible feeling. You want your parents to adore your kids. At least I do.

So yes, I get it - these are things that shouldn't be shocking to me knowing Sam's past. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this is probably not completely out of the ordinary for someone with his background. He's having trouble with transition, he's feeling strong emotions and can't regulate, new situations scare him a lot more than usual at this age. We've alway's said he's exceptionally willful, stubborn and 2 & 1/2 on top of the adoption-related stuff. I get all that.

And, despite that, it's still fricking hard and frustrating and exhausting. And I feel like I'm failing because I'm not the Zen mama I wish I could be. I go to sleep every night wishing I was a better mother, certain I am a horrible one. promising that tomorrow I won't lose my temper or get frustrated with his intensity. And nearly every day I fail. I look at other mothers who all seem so much more nurturing than me, and I have yet to see a child even close to as intense and emotional as Sam is.

We'll find some more adoption-related resources for support. I'll reach out to other moms. I'll remind myself that Sam needs me now more than ever, even if he can't say or show it. So, I'll go do what I've often done since he came home, and pull him out of the crib and rock him on my chest, hoping somehow he knows mama's here. And tomorrow's another day.

28 Months Old + Boring Blogs

Sam is 28 months old today! 

I'm reflecting on how boring my blogs are anymore. My posts used to be: "What's happening with adoptions globally?", "Will we get a call?", "Woe is me! The waiting is so hard!". I had witty titles, linked to stuff, and shared deep thoughts and emotions. Now, I'm just pretty much documenting life for Sam, keeping family and friends in the loop, and, well, it's pretty boring stuff. I got a baby, cut my hair off and quit my blog. Such is the life of the mom of a toddler.

Here's a bit of what's going on right now, Sam:

• The nickname "porkhop" doesn't make much sense anymore for you, baby, cause you're getting long and lean! You're still little, but no longer shaped like a pork chop...you're thinning out and growing up!
• We learned you need glasses which we're getting this week. We're amazed that, despite being VERY far-sighted, you love to read, and know your colors, most of your numbers and letters already!
• Speaking of reading - you recite many of your books with us (probably 20 or so...) as we read them. We love that you love to read, as it's our only (relatively) quiet time together.
• You have a memory like an elephant. (See above on reciting books...)
• You are OBSESSIVE about cars, trains, airplanes and ask at least 10 times a day "if we are going to the airport?" I am not exaggerating here. (I got to take the corporate jet back from a meeting in Orlando a few weeks ago, and Sam's now convinced mommy has her own plane.)
• You are still pretty much the same guy we met a bit over a year ago. You're funny, chirpy (you never, ever shut up), curious, silly, smiley and don't like to be away from us. Ever. 
• No doubt, parenting is hard. You're a busy guy with lots of emotions. You didn't get 500,000 impressions of a mama rocking you and helping soothe you in your first year - and so you have trouble regulating and calming. And this, my baby, breaks my heart beyond what words can describe. I'm trying to help you. I want to help you. I don't know how to help you sometimes. I hurt for you.
• Now that you're over 2 - we get the joy of experiencing just how "strong" a little soul you are. (I called it from the first referral pic where you were staring down the camera at 5 months. Kindred spirits, I think...)
• You get angry. Often. You scream, and you can brew up huge tears in mili-seconds. Therefore any incident has you looking, within the 30 seconds it takes you to calm down, like you've been crying for 30 minutes and we've been beating you. You look pathetic, bottom lip quivering, soaked face and drenched shirt. Snot everywhere. And all because either mama picked up the wrong train, tried to make you share the soccer ball, suggested it's time to wash your hands, the doggie picked up the ball or the word "nap", "diaper" or "toothbrush" is mentioned in any way, shape or form. And God forbid we leave the park. Brutal.
• Having said that, you're like your mama - usually quick to heat up and quick to cool down. (But seriously? Please, please, please stop screaming NO! about everything. I know this is a phase, but I don't like it. One bit.)
• You're starting to sing which is c-u-t-e!!
• And even cuter, you like to hold your stuffed animals up and mimic playing puppets with them. Usually you pick up boo bear, who you hold facing you, wobbling his head and as if he's asking you a question: "want to go to airport?" - to which you answer: "OK BOO BEAR!!" Giggle giggle.
• You're a great sleeper, although naps are getting later and harder to get you down. You still need to be rocked to sleep for your nap or you just plain won't got down.
• You sleep all night unless you're sick. usually 8-7. Awesome. 
• You wake up happy. Lately you've been waking up from a nap to tell us "nice nap!" before we can ask.
• You're getting braver with food. You still take it out of your mouth and throw it at my head. You still avoid veggies at all costs. But we're tricking you since mama's doing a juice cleanse, you're getting cucumber, spinach, beet and other veggies in with your "apple juice. Tee hee.
• You are settling into us, as we are you. 
• We truly do love you move each day.

We love to hike together. Sam is bribe-able with a "hiking car".

Well hello, goat!

 Christmas presents from Aunts Tracy & Dana

 Cutest. Little. Santa. EVER.

 Baba, Sam & hiking car

 Mama, Sam & hiking car

 Choppy McChopperston & hiking car

Sticker fun

Cold day hike

See! I told ya. Boring! But that's us. Life certainly feels anything but boring each day!