For 2 days, since the suggestion that adoptions in Ethiopia will be cut by 90%, I have felt like someone has been standing on my chest. I can't breathe. I can't sleep. My heart hurts - I mean, it physically hurts. Today in particular, I am having the hardest day I've had since August 6th. I am terrified of losing another child. Most days I keep the fear at bay - today it is my constant shadow - waiting to swallow me if I drop my guard for one second. I'm not tough right now. I'm on the verge of breaking into a million pieces.
But then you helped me. I got home to find a card from some friends telling us that we're in their thoughts, and to hold onto hope. They lost a child in Nepal, too. These people (who we really hardly know) took the time to write a note, address it, stamp it, put it in the mail - and while in their own very hard place - they let us know we were in their thoughts.
This card, supportive comments on this blog from people I know and love, and people I've never met, phone calls, texts and check-ins at the office; my mom and dad, my husband: you're holding me together. Thank you.
Namaste.
PS - I do regret that I sound so darn emotional lately. I'll try to work up a really positive or maybe a funny post. Or at least link to someone else's that will make you laugh.
3 comments:
My God give you the Strength to keep going. My heart break for you and the children in Ethiopia. You have to believe that there is a plan...open your hearts to hear it. After 5 years of waiting Luke came home but not untill be were drug through 3 country closings. God never said that life would be easy but he has a plan and he will grant peace. We want to adopt again and we are done broke after Ethiopia. This time we feel we are being lead to a large sibling group through our state. Why?? I don't know.... we never wanted a large family but God knows what is best. You are in our prayers.
Thinking about you guys. Hoping and hoping that things will move forward.
You have every right to be emotional right now. Please don't apoligize. I understand, because I feel I do the same to my friends. I have to really make an effort not to talk about adoption when I am with them. But I could not help it yesterday. I vented to them about the injustice of it all. My heart is so heavy for you. I linked my blog to yours and encouraged people to sign the petition. I talk about you often to a group of women that are supporting me right now through all of my adoption trials. It amazes me the people that have come to mean so much to me that I don't even know. I pray often for you and the many families that are waiting for their children. I look forward to the day I can celebrate with you when you get to the other side of this journey. I keep holding on to the hope that we will get to the other side.
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