Sam's Bear is on his way to Ethiopia

We went to Build-A-Bear this weekend and made a bear that has recorded messages from mommy when you squeeze his hands, and from daddy when you squeeze his feet. My mom had made this t-shirt for a previous bear, but it fit this new bear perfectly, so he's well-dressed and headed to Africa.

I can't begin to tell you how nightmarish our last week has been, so I won't. Suffice to say things have gone from bad to worse. I could seriously strangle every single !#!&@(^%  person at our agency right now. Too much has transpired to write about, and, quite frankly, I don't have the wherewithal to share it now.

Mom and dad are coming to visit and to help clean up our yard after the snowstorm, which looks like a hurricane came through. But, mostly, I think they're coming to be with their baby while her heart is breaking trying to get her baby. And, my husband is the most amazing man in the world. I'm thankful for parents, and husbands. And of course sweet pups. And I'm scared to death.

Bustin' A Move

Terry is headed to ET next week to see Samuel, meet with our agency, our agency's attorney, USCIS and the Embassy. We don't expect this will result in any immediate action on our behalf, but we need information. I have a ticket booked for later in November to visit Samuel and meet with whomever is appropriate at that time.

The lack of information from our Agency is infuriating. The actions of the United States are unconscionable. The inability to actually "do" anything for Samuel is heartbreaking.

Snake Attack! And a whole lotta BS.

OK. I'll save the snake attack bit for last.

In terms of Samuel - no news, things continue to get more convoluted. The biggest problem we have right now is that our agency won't or "can't" update us on Samuel's file. It is infuriating and I have given them a pretty big kick in the rear asking / demanding we get an update. OK - in truth I've done this multiple times now. But this time I am losing patience. I am pissed. We're to talk with them Monday. We continue to work with government officials, make requests/demands, etc. But until we know what is in Samuel's files we're basically stuck. Yes, so our agency/orphanage now are the ones screwing us in addition to the government. Nice. (I realize that's strong language, not as descriptive as what I wanted to write...) We do need to keep a good relationship with them, so I am trying to control myself, but getting strong in my requests for information. 

I actually have to force myself (with the help of my hubby/dog) to let go of all of the blogs / Facebook information being posted / phone calls to be made / letters and emails to be written, etc, as it can be overwhelming and could easily kill or at least seriously maim a person. I did start a private blog where we're discussing who's doing what, who's talking to whom, what can we do as a group, and all things Ethiopia adoption related for those of us "stuck". I am trying to check it once a day versus every 5 minutes. It's seriously easily a full time job. Thanks, US government. Thanks, agency.

The good news is the giardia I obtained while in Africa is almost gone, and I'm feeling good enough to hike again. Thank god, as it is my most favorite past-time, and it helps with the stress (see paragraph above about getting totally consumed by the adoption problems.) 

Anyway, on a hike today,  Jackson and I were struck at today by a small rattlesnake!!! He was probably 18 inches or so. He missed us and took off like a shot (the snake). I jumped 2 feet in the air, as did Jackson. I (loudly) screamed "HOLY SH!T". When I pulled myself together, I apologized for my language to the Mennonite family with small children a few feet behind me on the trail. The mother, complete in her bonnet and modest dress, insisted we go back to see the snake - leaving the men and dog behind (I was like, right on, sister!). So we did, but that rattler was long gone. Then I took a few family pics for them, they were from Ohio, and Jackson and I were on our way.

I have come across more snakes than usual in the past month or two, and also have had some in dreams. This, of course, this led me to be interested in what the snake animal totem is about. I learned:

This a powerful totem -- it is the symbol of transformation and healing.
The Snake is wisdom expressed through healing.

It also signals a transition in your life - new opportunities and/or changes. 

Hmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmmmm.... 

A few pictures below for your viewing pleasure - although none of the snake, unfortunately!

In all fairness, I was kinda warned?

  But it's our favorite hiking spot - we're here weekly.

After a hike, old dogs sometimes need a little ice on their sore wrists :(

And, while I was in Orem, Utah for work this week, I got a hike in there, as well, at Dry Creek Canyon - 2 miles from my office. It was absolutely spectacular!

Now, in closing, before you question my work ethic...let me assure you that my between my early morning calls with Europe, my late night calls with Japan due to a big product launch and doubling my responsibility since my boss left last month  - I feel quite fine about taking a hike over lunch or after work (before my Asia shift starts).

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

We went on a hike today - some time away to celebrate you turning 1. No phone calls, no email, no letter writing, no lawyers, no private investigators, no agency, no US Embassy, no Senators, no USCIS. Just a family of 3, desperately wanting to be a family of 4. We love you.

We stopped and sang Happy Birthday to you, baby boy. We had a wonderful day. We miss you and our hearts are breaking.

The "new norm".

I am going to come clean as to the real situation here. I have been avoiding writing about it as I didn't want to come across as "feeling sorry for myself". I didn't want to complain and wallow in my pain. I am now numb. At the same time I am mad as hell.

I had a bad feeling in my gut on Friday. I had a total breakdown. And I now believe it was my intuition. The mother in me knew that everything was about to change. And change it did. Things have spiraled down quickly with regards to adoption in Ethiopia for many. So, here's the reality we're facing:

1.) Since Friday, we have learned that cases with our agency and others are being sent to Nairobi for adjudication. You can read the link to get an idea as to what this means, but basically it's an escalation point, and a totally new layer of bureaucracy from our beloved nation. It's adding many, many months to the process. And, the eventual outcome is unclear as to what even happens with the children.

2.) The US Embassy will not clearly state what requirements they're looking for that "define a true orphan", or why these cases are being sent to Nairobi. They will not say what has changed, and why 85% of cases are being sent for adjudication versus just months ago when 85% of cases were approved. The keys here are vagueness and subjective decision-making versus objective decision-making.

3.) We have learned that there is no progress (that we can tell) with Samuel's case. We simply cannot get answers from our agency on what is happening with the additional requests for information on his case. I will again use the word vague. A theme is emerging.

While last week I was packing Sam's bags for the trip to bring him home from Ethiopia, we are now speaking to immigration attorneys. We are considering hiring a private investigator and are at peace individually and together as to how to proceed based on what we could learn. We are continuing to work our state governments and utilize any support we can get from friends and families' connections. We are planning trips to see Samuel and meet with our agency in country. We are making phone calls, writing emails, demanding information and preparing for war. Yes, our world has completely changed. This, our agency tells us, is "the new norm". I have a couple of choice words for this "new norm" and all of those involved, and they are: 1.) Screw. 2.) You.

We have no idea what the future holds - but for sure, it's one of two things: our greatest dreams realized, or our greatest fears come true. There's no grey here.

We were matched with him on March 22nd. Samuel turns 1 on Saturday.

The girl with the flower.

I just want to offer gratitude for your thoughts, prayers and simple kindnesses. It's what's getting me through most days. The love & prayers, notes & phone calls we have coming our way are the most beautiful gifts. And we're very grateful.

While we were in Ethiopia, Terry traveled North - to the town Samuel is from. I stayed and got an extra visit with Samuel. We sat outside at the orphanage in the sun, surrounded by many older kids who were playing tag. Once the kids saw Samuel and me - they were fascinated with both of us. They don't see white people super often, and they don't often see the babies - who live in a different part of the orphanage. The surrounded us, and we played pattycakes and they touched my hair and Samuel's cheeks.

Anyway, there was a little girl who was carrying a flower just like the one in this picture above. She was so sweet - and shyly approached me to touch my strange white skin, and to see Samuel. She wasn't the youngest, or the cutest little girl. But something in her touched me. I tried to find her the next day, our final visit with Samuel, as the orphanage was going to see if she had been matched with a family. But Terry got violently ill - and I had to tend to him and get him to the clinic as soon as possible. I had to very quickly say goodbye to my son. I had to take care of my husband. I couldn't find the little girl with the flower. I hope she's ok.

I will never forget that day. All those kids. All those beautiful children. And Samuel, most of all. So far away. So very far away now.

No news. Nothing to report. 

We miss you so much.

I think of you every day. Every hour. Most every minute. 

We're doing everything we can short of moving heaven and earth to get you home. And if we could find a way, we'd move heaven and earth, too. 


We hope you're safe, and warm, and happy. And I hope blue bear reminds you of us. We'll be there soon...as soon as we possibly can, and maybe even sooner.


Love, your mommy, daddy and brother Jackson.