Blown away.

I continue to be simply blown away by people.

Early on, I blogged about the kindness of people as we started the adoption process. It continues! The above gifts are from family, co-workers, friends, and even from an amazing woman I've never met, who reads this blog and went through the Nepal process with us. (Yes, she sent us gifts! We've never met. We've never even talked on the phone!) Kindness and goodness surround us, and we are truly blessed.

I'm humbled. (And clearly, based on the majority of gifts being shoes and books, you people know me well!)

It's not over until it begins.

It's hard to believe it's been more than a month since we learned about Baby Boy Stone. (Ok, 5 weeks, 3 hours and 30 minutes. But who's counting?)

And yes, it's entirely possible to fall in love with a picture. We are fortunate enough to have received 2 great referral pictures with THE phone call. Then, as a total surprise, we got 2 update photos a month later!  And I'm not bragging or anything, but he is the cutest baby ever. Seriously. He is. We've already had two marriage requests from friends with babies. Obviously the dowry requirements will be extraordinary :).

I am in complete and total denial about the timeline, and assume/hope all things will work out to get him home in some kind of record time. Any thoughts to the contrary, and I dissolve into an ugly, crying mess within seconds. (Seriously, ask Terry.) In the meantime, the list of to-do's grows exponentially, as do my sleepless nights - up with thoughts about him and all we have to do. I don't often go an hour, hell, 10 minutes, without thinking of him.

It's a strange feeling, having a child half-way around the world with whom you're developing a bond. One you know you'll need to love, nurture, protect and raise to the best of your ability - but who you can't hold in your arms. The most common and very sincere question we get is "Well, why can't you just go get him NOW?" (See aforementioned comment on dissolving into ugly crying mess...)

And of course it's not over until it's over. Or, it's not over until it begins might be a better way to state it. Until his little brown feet touch the ground in the US, I won't be completely at ease with this process.

Super Secret Blog.

So now it's just a super-secret group who has access to this blog. (And if anyone has been holding out on me and works for or has any affiliation with the Ethiopia Government, the US Government, Joint Council, any adoption agency or even worse, Unicef, now's the time to let me know. Seriously. Please do.)

So I decided to take the blog private after good advice from good friends. We've come SO far, and it would be a shame to run into any problems at this point due to having a public blog! Not that I'd expect that, but it could happen. (Last summer, friends of our walked into the office of the ministry in Nepal and their blog was up on screen. Yep. And that was Nepal - Ethiopia has a much larger and more advanced program and staff.)

A few relatively unexciting updates on the adoption. It's been 1 month yesterday since we were matched with Baby Boy Stone (BBS)! And, alas, we did sign something promising not to share pictures, name, etc., publically, so until we're further in the process all that stuff's still private. And I know some people share this type of information on private blogs, but I'm not there yet. Maybe after we go to court. Whenever that will be.

I got my polio vaccination on Friday, meningitis on Monday. We were surprised about a week ago with updated pictures of BBS. He has gotten cuter, if that's possible! He gained a *tiny* bit of weight and grew about 3cm in length and 1cm in head circumference. Our international adoption doctor commented "He needs to be in a home environment." Uh, DUH.

So there you have it. More cleaning/purging/etc to get ready for BBS this weekend.

Taking blog private.

In this post-referral world, I'm considering taking my blog private for a while. If you're a frequent reader and would like to be added to the list of private readers, please post a comment with your email address, or email me.
Thanks!

Baby prep: underway!

Operation baby boy Stone prep is officially underway at Casa Stone!

We have a shared google document started with our ever-expanding list of things to do. I've gotten a few vaccines. (Note to self, schedule one for this week!) I bought the book most recommended to me "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child".

I started cleaning the baby's room this weekend (think: purge!). I really had no idea that it had pretty much become my second closet. It's amazing how much crap one can accumulate in a short period! So I thought that would take a day - it's gonna take more like a week. I need to sell the bookshelves that we have in the baby's room (crate & barrel shelves anyone?) and pack up the books until we can get built-in shelves somewhere in the house. (Anyone in Colorado know of a good, cheap, dependable handy-guy who can build shelves?)

This weekend, Terry designed and built an awesome Trellis for the front of our house. And while this isn't directly baby-related, it's something checked off the list. So, in that sense, it's baby related! And now our clematis have a happy place to grow. :)

Up next: register for baby stuff, continue brutal purge of unnecessary crap we carry with us. (And I'm talking physical, mental and spiritual of course...) And on and on and on...

"Waiting is a state of mind, the usual state of mind. Presence is when you're no longer waiting for the next moment, believing that the next moment will be more fulfilling than this one." - Eckhart Tolle

I know. I know. And I'm working on it. (But I still want him home!)

And then, there are the stairs...

I am a little overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we want to get done before baby boy Stone comes home. (And, yes, I realize much of this is what we WANT to get done vs what we NEED to get done.) All of this when Terry is working to start a business, and I have an extremely busy time at work with multiple new employees and projects.

So, here's what I think about at night:

1. Get  remaining immunizations!
2. Finish adoption training courses
3. Buy crib
4. Buy bedding
5. Buy used dresser/gliding chair/etc
6. Buy stoller and carseat
7. Visit yard sales for other baby items
8. Sell existing furniture in baby room
9. Clean out all "stuff" in baby's room
10. What to do with all of the books on the bookshelves?
11. Paint baby's room
12. Paint mural in baby's room
13. Get blinds for baby's room reworked (we have them, they don't fit)
14. Clean our storage room to move china cabinet into
15. Get new, baby-safe coffee table
16. Register for showers
17. Send my wonderful girlfriends who are doing showers, names/dates
18. Buy deep-freezer
19. Prepare meals to freeze
20. Write thank-you's for baby gifts
21. Add baby to insurance
22. Daycare??
23. Read baby books
24. Read parenting books
25. Read bi-racial family books
26. Purge all the junk from the house, since it's a small house, and much new stuff is coming in!
27. Sleep in as much as possible
28. Prepare for absense from work
29. Find pediatrician
30. Babyproof house
31. And then, there are the stairs. They'r pretty scary for a toddler. The dog (and even some friends) won't go up them. They go down as well, so it's a 2-story drop from the top stair. Eek.

I would assume this is about half of what we need to do. And yes, I know what you're going to say. "It'll all come together". And I do believe it will. But it still keeps me up at night! In an excited way.

**Warning - Annoying New Mother Post**

Don't say you haven't been warned!

So, fair is fair. You listened to me cry and moan for months after Nepal closed. (I still mourn for that child, so I might again.) But NOW, you get to listen to me babble and spew about all things "first-time new mama". Like how I showed his picture to the flight attendant and she ooohed and ahhhed. And how my first purchase, and rightly so, was a pair of shoes for him with little doggies on them. :) And how I went into H+M in Austria and bought THE CUTEST little boy sweater vests and t-shirts! And how I talk to him lots of times a day, and wonder what he's doing.

I need a nickname for baby boy Stone, and FAST! I know I am going to blurt out his name here and not realize it until later. And we're not allowed to post his name or any other private information to public forums. But - I can tell you, it's definitely his name, and we're definitely keeping it. :) And no, it's not Pebble, but maybe that's his nickname? Have I mentioned baby boy Stone is absolutely gorgeous? (Does the blog title make sense now?)

Oh - and, my apologies to all of you who I didn't believe when you said: "It'll make sense when you get your referral...you'll see that your baby found you." Not only did I not believe you; I wanted to chew your head right off your neck. But, ahem,: "you were right". There have been many "coincidences" around baby boy Stone. It's all that stuff that makes me think "Yep, this child really has been headed straight for us, this is our son." I wish I could tell you, but suffice to say I am quite amazed and moved. Have I mentioned this is the cutest baby boy ever?

I picked up a stone for him on the banks of the Salzach river today. It's in the shape of a heart.

Mama's takin' a road trip.

I love a good road trip!

I figure it might be the last chance for a road trip for quite a while, so I'm all over it! I'm headed out of Regensburg Germany today to drive south, through the mountains of Bavaria, to Salzburg for the weekend. Such a beautiful city - I'm excited to see it again. 

The original plan was a weekend in Prague, but that plan changed for a number of reasons that just aren't very interesting. And I'm actually quite excited to be driving to Salzburg rather than taking a train to Prague - all the little Bavarian villages and beautiful scenery to behold on MY schedule. My zippy BMW rental car is gassed up, I have sandwiches and cold apple juice ready! (There is something about a sticker for my windshield I must figure out before crossing into Austria...I already have a few outstanding parking tickets from my last trip here, so must not risk anything else lest I end up in a Bavarian jail :) )

Since everyone's telling us to "get sleeping in, movies, road trips or anything spontaneous" out of our systems before the wee-one comes home, I feel completely justified in taking this little holiday. Plus it's my 42nd birthday weekend. :) This is a dangerous combination - feeling justified to have adventure and to buy baby things while in Europe.

I only wish my hubby were along to share in the fun.

There's waiting...then there's waiting.

So I thought waiting before the referral was hard! What the heck was I moaning about? (I joke!) But the BR (before referral) and PR (post-referral) waiting are really, really different.

“BR” waiting was like hanging on by a thread. It was “will we be parents or not”? It felt very black or white. Yes or no. Call or no call. Baby or no baby. Parents or not parents. It was ungrounded, whiplash, roller coaster kind of wait. Total scattered craziness, in short.

“PR” waiting is more like climbing up a rope. Rather than just hanging on and hoping the thread doesn’t break again, now I have to climb. It takes more strength and focus. It’s less craziness; more deep heartache and intense protectiveness.

By some miracle, he is now part of me and will always be. I am starting to feel like a mommy. (Me? Of all people!) It’s subtle and profound at the same time. I have a picture, a name, a baby. I need to hold him, love him, talk to him, look in his eyes, to take care of him…to make sure he’s OK.

I attempt to span the distance between him and me, between now and then, with learning to be a mommy; with preparing to be a parent. All the while knowing that the waiting (the worry) will never end, it will just change over the years.