So I thought waiting before the referral was hard! What the heck was I moaning about? (I joke!) But the BR (before referral) and PR (post-referral) waiting are really, really different.
“BR” waiting was like hanging on by a thread. It was “will we be parents or not”? It felt very black or white. Yes or no. Call or no call. Baby or no baby. Parents or not parents. It was ungrounded, whiplash, roller coaster kind of wait. Total scattered craziness, in short.
“PR” waiting is more like climbing up a rope. Rather than just hanging on and hoping the thread doesn’t break again, now I have to climb. It takes more strength and focus. It’s less craziness; more deep heartache and intense protectiveness.
By some miracle, he is now part of me and will always be. I am starting to feel like a mommy. (Me? Of all people!) It’s subtle and profound at the same time. I have a picture, a name, a baby. I need to hold him, love him, talk to him, look in his eyes, to take care of him…to make sure he’s OK.
I attempt to span the distance between him and me, between now and then, with learning to be a mommy; with preparing to be a parent. All the while knowing that the waiting (the worry) will never end, it will just change over the years.
2 comments:
wow. that's a profound difference - I can't imagine being on your side of things. I'm still in black and white. Thanks for keeping us in on your journey.
Thoughtful and wise. This waiting is not easier but it is different. Glad we are hanging on (or climbing on) together.
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